An Investment You Can Hold

Well, it seems trends in babies has dropped a bit on all commodity markets in recent trading. With the closing of Toys R Us/ Babies R Us baby superstores, it appears babies will continue to lose value until a suitable replacement can be ramped up. Thomas J. Whatsis, of the firm Wellington, Farquad, and Why, strongly urges people with large investments in babies to not panic. He advises holders to sleep if they can, continue their holdings, perhaps shake a rattle to attract some attention, but above all do not sell-out to disreputable baby brokerage houses. This can only foster new problems.

No, this is not a quote from the Wallstreet Journal, but it should be. Babies present a large part of our Gross National Product. I don’t want to be overly alarmist here, but even Ron Paul is quite concerned about this baby bubble bursting. (How about that for an alliteration?)

What!?!? You say you’re not aware of this hidden but devastating financial crisis? C’mon, you know you said it. If you didn’t, you at least thought about saying it, and even if you didn’t do that much, you should still continue to read on and be better informed.

What most people don’t remember, or never realize in the first place, is that babies represent a large part of our consumer-based economy. Babies need lots of stuff, lots of very expensive stuff. Imagine the hit to furniture makers alone when there is no longer a need for changing tables. Come to think of it, you don’t really need a changing table in the first place, but that certainly doesn’t stop people from buying them. They’re just one part of the vast economy of useless things babies have which folks rarely use.

Consider the designer shirt-vest combination for a six-month-old. Oh yes, it’s cute to show off junior off as a little man. So cute in fact that grandma buys it at the gallery for a ridiculous price. Money changes hand for the first time. When mom sees it, she falls in love with it and puts it in a closet. But babies tend to leak out of all their various orifices, so mom, afraid to ruin the suit, hesitates in putting it on. After two months, junior has grown out of the said outfit, and thus mom donates it to charity along with all the other cool stuff she got from various friends and relatives which, sadly, baby never wore. The stuff then goes to a thrift store, where it is sold to an on-line re-seller with the tags still on. More money changes hands and the stores use it to provide jobs for the unemployed. (Probably to make baby clothes.) The re-seller then sells it to another grandma who starts the process all over again, potentially over and over and over again.

Think about it. I can conceive of one outfit made in 1967, which has been sold six-hundred-forty-seven times and still hasn’t been worn. They say our economy works when people buy things. Well, this one consumer item has been bought many times, benefited hundreds of needy folks, and still hasn’t been consumed. Also, think of the taxes it generated. It probably paid for a new spy drone all by itself. Okay, maybe a babyone.

And that’s not all. We pay for disposable diapers, over and over again for years. Then there’s those folks who say they’ll save money with cloth, but they just end up hiring a service to clean up the mess. More money spent, more jobs created, and if that’s not capitalism, I just don’t know what is.

Now, don’t you see it. The economy of these great United States of America runs on baby stuff. Still unconvinced? Then look at poor and developing countries. They don’t have changing tables, designer baby outfits, or diaper services, and many of the people are extremely poor. If we really want to make a difference in those places, forget dropping in food and clean water. Just build them a Baby Superstore, and their lifestyles will improve dramatically. This is governmental logic if ever I saw it.

Remember though, it has to be for babies. Children don’t grow so fast. They can wear one pair of pants for a year or more. Grandma only has to buy one pair, and it is so worn out so the re-sellers don’t want it. Also, they don’t use diapers and will eat less-expensive regular food. Yes, children are a very bad investment.

Hey, while I was typing the last paragraph a horrible thought occurred to me. (You’re never too old to multitask) With such a large outlet of baby stuff closing, what will happen to supply? Sure, department stores and online retailers will make up some of the slack, but what will happen when there is a shortage of Binky’s and Nuk’s? These pacifier like baby plugs have been lessening the sound pollution for years. The law of Supply And Demand dictates when these important silencing items become less available the prices must go up. If that happens, will the mothers of America be able to afford them? Will noise levels in developed countries rise to new heights and become a burden on productivity? (Remember undeveloped countries don’t have such things.) Or will we have to resort to “Black Market Binky’s.” The name itself scares me. Maybe it’s good those things aren’t recyclable. Families could root through landfills and search out old ones then sell them to new mothers to… or maybe not. Hey, I’ll step up. My kids had like fifteen of those things each. I will search my dusty attic, find them all and donate them all to Women’s and Children’s Hospitals. Don’t roll your eyes at me, I’m just doing my part to preserve your hearing.

Then again, with all I hear in the news about Russian meddling, perhaps they are responsible. Conceivably they used Facebook and Twitter bots to ensure Babies R Usfailed. Sorry Mr. Mueller, here’s another one headed toward your desk.

If you have comments, want to discuss the pro’s and con’s of once-a-day diaper changing, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at ohhssidewaysview@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you!

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