We Hold These Truths To Be In Need Of An Explanation

The Declaration of Independence clearly states that all men, women, and children have inalienable rights. Actually, it doesn’t mention women or children at all, but I was afraid if I didn’t mention them, some group out there would take offense, feel I slighted them in some way, possibly taking to the streets with torches and pitchforks, and most importantly, boycott my blog. Face it I need all the readers I can get so I’m not going to omit anybody. The point of all this is that this great document also states, truth is self-evident. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’s not. It might have been in 1776, but in 2020 truth is a lot harder to sort out.

This is probably because more people these days like to tell lies. No, that’s wrong, people love to tell lies. Telling lies has replaced baseball as our national pastime. Don’t believe me? Take a look at politicians. I was walking through a store the other day and asked every person I saw if they thought politicians told the truth. Three folks said they’re all liars, one couldn’t grasp the question, and one called security and had me thrown out. There you have it. My intensive study shows that sixty percent of all Americans believe politicians are liars. Yet we still support, campaign for, and donate our hard-earned cash to all of them. Does that make any sense?

It’s even worse closer to home.  I read a study, after doing the first one I was too exhausted to continue, so I looked to someone else’s data. Anyway, this study said an average of seventy-eight percent of all listings on dating sites contain lies. With half of those being from married folks who somehow seem to omit that simple fact. Yet every day more and more lonely people go looking for love on those same sites. Even knowing these statistics, they totally believe they will find true bliss. Not bloody likely! Maybe they should take off the rose-colored glasses, turn off their phones and computers, and go outside and meet someone.

Of course, it’s not any better out there. People can lie face-to-face almost as well as they can electronically. They just have to be a bit more subtle about it, so as not to bruise their own egos. I think the biggest lie is one you hear after you’ve been out with someone special a couple of times. The scene shapes up like this. You’re talking and thinking everything is cool. They are staying a little quiet. Then at a moment when you are weakest they blurt out, “I really loved hanging out with you, but I just can’t be happy. It’s not you, It’s me.”

There are three lies here. First, I’m sorry to tell you that it is you. It’s all you and not even the tiniest bit them. Second, they didn’t like hanging out with you at all. If they had, you wouldn’t be having this conversation. Lastly, don’t believe they can’t be happy. Truthfully, they’re probably already being quite happy with some other schmuck who isn’t you.

 The other great lie from dating is the infamous, “I can’t be with you, you’re too goods for me.” Bull Cookies! I got hit by this one three times before I got married. The third time I was so mad when I heard it, I hugged her tight, looked into her eyes, and whispered, “I know I am, but I’ve always considered you a fixer upper. I really think with time and effort even you can reach my level.” She didn’t like that and she let me know with her knee. All is well though, after my testicles eventually fell again, and I was ready to hit the dating scene.    

Some of the next big fib tellers are medical people. Not the doctors themselves, but the people who write the medical crap into books. Look I like a good story as much as anyone, but those books pass themselves off as fact. I learned this the hard way when my sister was pregnant. This was before I was married and didn’t know such things. Well I read a book that told me pregnant women are soft, weak, and need extra care. They have very sensitive systems. This sounded great until the day I surprised her and took her to a buffet restaurant.

If you only glean one drop of wisdom this year, let it be this. Never, and I mean never stand between a pregnant woman and a buffet line. She will run your ass over! Then about the time you think it is safe to stand, she will have gathered five pounds of food and run your butt over again as she’s headed back to the table. Five minutes later, she will walk back to you apologizing and crying so much that you’ll likely drown in the wet carpet, if you don’t move quickly. If you do manage to stand, she’ll probably nail you again on the way to the dessert table.

But buffets aren’t the worst. They’re mostly big enough that an experienced man can dodge a prenatal woman fairly easily. But in the hallway to the bathroom there’s no place to run. Remember what I said about a lady-with-child and a buffet? Bathrooms have an even greater urgency. Never, ever stand between that expecting lady and the bathroom. You won’t survive.

In conclusion, yes, these women need care, but soft, weak, and in need of saving, they are not. And I have the broken back to prove it.

Probably the greatest source of lies are the ads you get in the mail, on your phone, and spam folder. Think about it. How can seven stores have the lowest price of all? The only way this can happen is

if they all have the same price. And if that’s the case, then it’s just the price, not a low-low price.

Then stores have sales. Now the original concept of a sale was to lower a few prices, once in a while, to draw in customers. So how do you justify a sale every week. Then again, how is it a sale if an item is in all the flyers at the same price for nine weeks? That sounds like the regular price to me. The thing is, the item I am thinking of, was discontinued after the nine-week sale at the same price. Lies all lies.

So, don’t you all feel better and more well informed now that you have been educated by these great words of wisdom? I just bet your head is just spinning with all this new truth. But worry not. On these pages Mr. Ohh! will only ever share the truth with you and never, never tell a fib.

Well not really, I guess I just spread a falsehood myself.  Boy this lying stuff is kind of fun.

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