Over the years, I have done a considerable amount of research, and the results have been astounding. The greatest thing I have learned from researching is that I hate to do research, which makes this post a greater thrill for all of you.

You see, our lives are slowly being ruled by electronics. The Sci-Fi apocalypse is true. Instead of Skynet taking over, we just carry the robots in our pockets and call them by sweet but obscure feminine names. I would like to be the hero, like they have in the movies, but frankly I’m addicted to my cell phone as well as all you. I certainly don’t want to end up covered in sores, sweat, and crud as if I was in a Dwayne Johnson movie. That’s just not me. So, unless somebody else steps up, the devices are all here to stay.

The issue is; If we’re going to marry ourselves to small obscure electronic rectangles, we should at least know which is best. Or at least know which will be highest in fiber for when our 401k’s go bust, and we end up eating all our possessions. Well, once again, Mr. Ohh! is here to help. I have done an exhaustive study into the nutritional value of eating small tablet computers and found they’re actually poisonous, and the gravy is terrible. I realize I may have blown dinner for many of you out there, but try to smile and eat some more of the fuzzy mac-and-cheese you have, in the back of the fridge. That green mold is really very healthy and has antibiotic properties. It’s a win-win.

Now, to the question of which is best. There are four basic platforms; Siri by Apple, Alexa, by Amazon, Cortana by Microsoft, and Google by well uh… Google. If this were the only criteria the whole thing would be simple. Cortana is simply the best name. That’s a name I want to meet in a dimly lit restaurant and sip expensive cocktails with.  Consequently, Google loses. Who would want to date a woman named Google? I dated a woman named Raspberry once and even that was better than Google. Sure, if you talk to her, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s definitely blind date material.

“Hey Joe, I’m taking Alexa out tonight and I need you to take her friend out with us.”

“What’s she like Bill?”

“Well I talked to her and she’s got a great voice.”

“Okay, what’s her name?”

“Google!”

“Oh, Sorry I can’t. I promised I’d lick diseased petri dishes clean tonight.”

Siri isn’t much better. Although Siri has something going for her; Ten Billion Apple fanatics. Apple could release a green rock and sell a billion of them. Folks would ask, “What is it?” and the answer would always be, “I don’t know, but it’s made by Apple.” The loyalty for their stuff is incredible. They’re the only company I know that can sell an overpriced broken product, tell the world it doesn’t work, and still have folks lining up to get one. But does that mean Siri is the best? Well, let’s see.

There is a publication that rates everything you might buy from diapers to zebra patterned underwear. And while wearing zebra underwear might lead to the need for diapers, the magazine has never, to my knowledge, rated digital assistants. They rated the devices but not the assistants. To me that’s like giving a produce office an A+ rating without mentioning the assistant embezzled fifty million in artichokes. Sure no one would have bought those green messes in the first place, but it should be mentioned.

Anyway, on this date, I Mr. Ohh! will solve this oversite and rate digital assistants as to their merits and failures. It’s a big responsibility but with your faith and understanding I will make it through. Boy, that sounded impressive, almost as if it should have had a march played behind it.

Okay, to get started. We have already covered that two of the current four popular assistants have crappy names. Saying “Hey, Google,” sounds like your calling a dog and frankly Siri sounds more like an industrial byproduct than a woman. So, the first points go to Alexa and Cortana. Next, I want my assistant to be personable. Siri and Alexa are very business-like almost like my mom telling me something I should have known. I don’t want my mom as my assistant. Cortana and Google get the points for sounding the best.

Some of you might want know about appointments, reminders, directions and stuff like that. BORING! They all do that. They’re all connected to the same internet. They all spell the same. They all give the same weather and so on. Also, they all play music. They differ here because they pull from different sources. I’ll give the music edge to Alexa because I like Amazon’s playlists, but that’s just me.

Now on to the important stuff I asked all of them to tell me a joke;

Cortana: Don’t trust the atoms, they make up everything.

Alexa: What is a shark’s favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Google: Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Siri: If someone could reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape

HMMMM. I asked for jokes and Alexa and Google gave me riddles. We must consider if that’s important. Next all but Cortana’s rely on a pun. Puns are good material but it’s making this more difficult. I asked again:

Cortana: What do you get when you cross a cat with an owl?  A Meowl!

That’s way bad, zero points for Cortana.

Alexa: What happened when the math teacher gave out extra homework. The Addition caused Division to Multiply.

I like that one. Two points for all the extra math references

Google: What happens when a frog’s car breaks? It gets Toad

Tough call. That one was so bad it’s good, one point. My son who is sitting nearby rolled his eyes and covered his face. That’s worth a second point.

Siri: Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They always take things.  Literally!

This is good and I’m giving it a point, and a bonus for originality

So, the score is as follows:

Alexa 3

Google 3

Cortana 2

Siri 2

Ladies and gentleman we have a tie. The magazine I referred to earlier would stop now and just say, “This is our rating.” However, I want a clearer winner. So, we go to sudden death.

Alexa: What did one ham sing to the other in the oven? It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes

OWWW No points! Alexa left the door wide open; all Google needs is to score and they win. Folks you can cut the tension with a knife.

Google: What type of shoes do frogs wear? Open Toad.

Folks I can’t believe it. Google used the same pun twice and is disqualified. The crowd goes crazy. Security has to escort the judges out of the box, because of the angry mob.

As a final note I must say that no digital assistants were injured while writing this blog.