Have you ever seen someone stumble across a sidewalk, trip over a curb, cough several times, then jump up and down, while whimpering and holding their ears? For most folks, the thing to do is ask how that person is. They will undoubtedly answer, “I’m Fine” You and I both know he is not fine. He is lying. There’s not much you can do about it. I guess you could challenge him saying, “You’re lying, mister, and I won’t leave you until you tell me the whole truth.”

If you do, one of two things will happen; Either he will smack you upside your head with his cane, trust me, this hurts, or he will regale you with a five-hour story you really didn’t want to hear in the first place. This is far more painful. I mean, you were just being nice and he tortured you. As I said, it’s better to just let it go.

People are lying constantly, and I don’t understand it. We are all taught from an early age to always tell the truth. Sadly, there are just some questions where the truth doesn’t work. “How are You?” Is a great example. Folks all over the world use this as a greeting but never want know the answer. Think I’m wrong? The next time someone asks you how you are, tell them you’ve been projectile vomiting, or have explosive diarrhea with dangerously toxic flatulence, better still something extremely contagious. Watch their face. All the courteous smiles and loving eyes will run away, and so will their feet.

At certain times we all lie so much everybody just expects it. American politicians are like that. Then when one suddenly sits at the desk and starts signing executive orders, millions of folks are up in arms. “Hold On a second!!! He said he was going to do that and then he did!! What is up with that?” They really shouldn’t worry. Ninety-eight percent of what a politician promises he can’t do because of the rest of the government. They know, as they sit there with a stern face signing papers and spouting rhetoric that it all means nothing. Therefore, in essence, they’re still lying. So, sleep tight kiddies.

Probably the most popular place to lie is on your computer. Take that BadBoy4758 and CatLady9875. I’ve read your posts and neither of you are over eighteen, or voters, or even different people. Both of them, and fifteen other online identities, are my friend’s kid who is trying to start an International Whipped Cream Battle League with the hopes of turning it into an Olympic sport someday. He’s not the only one who plays like this. The anonymity of the web allows for massive lying.

What?? You say you would never lie on your computer or phone? Then let me ask you: What button did you press when you last saw these words, “I Have READ and Understand All the Terms and Conditions”?? Oh, sure you read that twenty-seven-page document. I believe that, and I have some land in Florida to sell you. Actually, I don’t so that was a lie as well.

We have gotten so used to everyone lying to us that we don’t notice it anymore. The words New and Improved quickly come to mind.  Say you always buy Bob’s Laundry Soap and next to it you see New and Improved Steve’s Detergent. What are you going to do?  The chances are, you’ll buy Bob’s because that’s what you always buy. You might not look at either and just check the price cards and pick up the cheapest. Even if you are sucked in by the hype, and pick-up Steve’s, you’re still not getting anything. When you do laundry, your clothes are all-the-way clean. How can Steve’s improved detergent get clothes cleaner than all-the-way clean?

Of course, Bob is no better. His slogan is, “Use Bob’s to eliminate wash day drudgery”. Will someone please explain to me how a different soap can do that? You still have to drag the clothes to the laundry room, put them in the washer, move them to the dryer, and fold and put them away. Which of these chores does changing soap take away?

This is why I love the ads on my computer. They love to tell me about all the things I need. They look at my purchasing history to select those ads. I bought a battery for my drill online, and for the next month I got nothing but ads telling me I need a new drill. I didn’t need that. I already bought the battery and it fixed it. They also love to tell me how much I need to shop for women’s apparel, especially underwear, from certain sites. Now I don’t want to judge anyone else’s lifestyle but I never wear women’s clothes, and therefore don’t need it. Also, If I ever get my hands on whoever told my computer I need women’s underwear, I’ll murder them. It’s all a bunch of lies.

The television is no better. To that media I not only need tools and clothes, but cars, drugs, and especially lawyers. Apparently, I need several lawyers to cover all the things that have happened to me. I just wish I knew what happened that I need a lawyer for. According to the lying commercials, a lawyer’s primary function is to get you money, and you don’t have to pay them, until they get the money for you. Sounds great but it’s a lie. I went to a lawyer and asked them for money and they wouldn’t give me anything. It seems you have to join a lawsuit and wait a year before you get anything. That’s hardly fair. The ad says they’ll get all that’s coming to me. What they don’t say is that nothing is coming to me.

Then they say I need a big luxury car. I may want a big car but I don’t need one. My twenty-year-old little box of a car gets me to the same place as the big one and the payments are lower. I don’t need a car that goes two-hundred miles-per-hour either. There is absolutely no place to drive that fast so stop lying about what I supposedly need.

Those ads also say I need drugs for breathing, pain, mood disorders, and erectile dysfunction. I didn’t know I had any of that stuff, but I need the drugs. And just how much do I need them? Well for that I have to ask my doctor. Well now, that’s going to be quite a conversation. I could show up at my doctor’s office with a shopping list asking which drugs I need. Then again, my doctor is a woman. Do they think I should walk into her office and say, “Hey baby, do you want to check me for erectile dysfunction?” I could get arrested for that.

No thanks I’ll just keep getting my drugs on the street corner like…

Wait a minute, I didn’t mean that. It was just another lie. Yea that’s it, a big honking lie.