In 1954 many thousands of school children rolled up their sleeves to get the new polio vaccine. You may ask what it was like? Well, I have no idea, I wasn’t there. The thing is the modern press wasn’t there either. Sure, there were celebrities telling folks to get vaccinated, and newspapers taking pictures, but all in all it was just another bit of news that came and went as should be the case.
Today we have another vaccination thing going on, and instead of people just getting their shots they are holding press conferences to show the world they’re not afraid of being stuck by a needle. Big deal!
Then the great goddess Oprah got her shot, and as all of us in America know, if Oprah says it’s so then it’s so. Guaranteed! She got her shot on national TV, and the world cheered. Her entourage got their shots and the world cheered. The deer who ate all my uncle’s tulip bulbs didn’t get shot, and everyone, but my uncle cheered. Well, it’s not everyone, I’m sure there are some hunters who would have liked to hang that head on a wall. The deer not my uncle. Either way, it’s still a lot of people who cheered. The point is these days with the press the way it is, and the world-wide audience, anyone can be a celebrity for just about anything, even getting a needle stuck in your arm.
Then I realized something. I got my vaccine shot as well. I have a world-wide audience. I publish my opinions and writings just like the great woman. She has a production company, and I have a website. Those things are kind of the same. I am just like Oprah. If I play my cards right, I could parlay this one little needle jab into total fame and fortune. My world ranking would just fly into the stratosphere! I am somebody now! Okay, I guess I’m not exactly like Oprah. I mean, I’m not a dark-skinned woman, but all those other things are true.
The question is what should I do with my new found power. Should I use it for good or evil? This is an important question I’m sure all celebrities have had to ask themselves at one time or another, except maybe the lady herself. Oprah must’ve known that she was a force for good even before she started a book club. Evil people can’t have book clubs named after them. Things like that cause their fingers to itch. That is how you spot an evil person in a crowd. They’re the ones scratching their fingers. I understand police departments issued arrest warrants on the basis of itchy fingers in the late eighties, but had to put a stop to it after an outbreak of poison-ivy nearly crippled the American justice system. It’s true! Google it!
Of course, there is the whole Talk-Show aspect of my fame. Oprah made her mark interviewing some of the most famous people in the world. However, there is two problems with all of this. The first is podcasts. There are ten million podcasts out there, and most of them use the same format. The host has a topic they believe in, and then interview people who agree with them. An example might be Henry & Ben’s Blasting Cap podcast. They’re my nephews and they discuss Action Movies, Fireworks, Adolescent Girls, Farting, and other highly explosive issues. Like so many they invite guests that they interview for the show. Essentially making every podcast just another talk show. As famous as I now am I don’t think we need another silly talk show.
And as far as interviewing celebrities go, they’re boring. I rather talk to explosive teenage girls, but I digress.
My children tell me I need to start by being an influencer. An influencer is someone who has lots of followers who will look at their stuff and agree no matter what. Kind of like Moses. Moses had a whole nation of people follow him all around a desert for forty years, and his blog was only ten bullet points. Very short but to the point. Then again, he was also known for raising plagues, so there were plusses and minuses. If Oprah could raise up a plague even more folks would listen to her and she would rule the world. I guess it’s good she can’t. At least I don’t think she can? Let’s just say I’m not going to be the one to test her.
Ya’ know, I could be going at this the wrong way. Maybe, I should go the Meghan Markle route and have Oprah interview me. I mean Meghan was pretty successful but needed a bit more, so she married a prince. I don’t want to put her down because that’s usually a pretty good move. I was seriously considering courting Harry myself but couldn’t get the time away from work to go to England and all that. I guess she was just in the right place at the right time, I hold no grudge. Either way it wasn’t working out, so Meghan called Oprah, and they did the interview of the century.
Bam! Fifty-billion years of the British monarchy is reeling like a losing prize-fighter. Oprah drives the last nail in the coffin that was once the greatest empire in the world. Sure, it was Meghan’s story, but before Oprah had it, it was nothing more than the sad tale of a poor little rich girl. Harry just smiled the whole way through, wondering if he could popularize Polo in America like David Beckham did for football.
So that’s it. I need to get Oprah to interview me and my fame will be ensured. Before I do that, I have to come up with a scandal the world can get behind. My family life is pretty good so there’s nothing there. I haven’t discovered the cure for anything, and I’m in reasonable health. I’m not a world leader and I have no major debt. I could say My kids are in terrible gangs, it would be a lie, but I could say it. I don’t have any big political solutions and am not disfigured. What is it that I have that no one else has?
That’s it! I am ordinary. I will get Orpah to interview me as the most ordinary, boring, sedate, person in the world. I even have the title of the interview; Ohh! Is for Ordinary. I would take my famous ordinary show on the road. Folks have been falling asleep at live shows for years, but at my show it will be a compliment.
The thing is it would be a lie. I am far too dynamic of a person to get away with being ordinary. Then again, I could switch it up. I could interview Oprah. If I did that, I would be the super famous interviewer of the interviewer of the super famous.
Did I say that right? Yea, I think I did. Of course, there is another idea. Maybe I’ll just forget the whole thing, and eat ice cream. Yea, that’s what I’ll do.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On