Oh Boy am I excited! I have been designated to receive a unique honor. This one-of-a-kind opportunity doesn’t come along to just anybody. I, Mr. Ohh! have been moved from just being one of the masses to the status of royalty. If you’ve ever heard the song Royals, by Lorde, you know she’ll never be royal. Too bad for her, because I have earned that status. I am royal. I now receive special offers fit for the Royal Family. Prince Harry can’t even get these offers because he moved to California. Boy that must be awkward at family functions. Every one sitting around the dinner table talking about the great things they get and Harry slumping in his chair wishing the conversation would change to something different like Mr. Ohh!’s Sideways View Blog and Podcast. Of course, they’re followers. Now that I’m receiving these kinds of special tributes, all us high status folks must stick together.
After an intro like that you must be wondering what great praise was bestowed on me. Well before People Magazine stops by to put me on the cover, I’ll let you in on my secret. I opened my mail to find a letter telling me a local car dealership had an exclusive offer just for me. As one of their premium customers I can get an oil-change, six quarts of oil, not just five, for only $19.95. That’s only £14 for my British friends. Now, aren’t you all jealous of me.
Well, you shouldn’t be. This offer was sent bulk rate, which translates into a whole bunch of folks got it. Therefore, my offer isn’t very exclusive after all. In point of fact, I have a regular mechanic who gives me this price all the time, and if I need to repair something, he’ll give me a free oil-change. Frankly the dealer just wants me to come in and buy a car from them, so they send me silly offers to make me think I’m special. It’s all just a marketing ploy.
It’s not even a good strategy. They should at least try to make me think there is something special to their offer. A couple of months ago I got a fancy flyer telling me my van, and only my van, is worth ten-thousand-dollars, because they needed used cars desperately. This offer was only for me and it even had a picture of my car when I bought it. Wow! Aren’t I special? My first thought was; Why would a New-Car dealership need used cars so urgently? Well, they had a terrible problem. It seems so many people bought so many cars, they ran out of preowned cars, and now they’re forced to sell only new vehicles. This sounds like a good thing to me, but to them it was an almost insurmountable problem. Marketing at its best.
I went to look at my car. The thing is fifteen years old, has almost three-hundred-thousand miles on it, various dents, and a whole bunch of rusted areas. The stated book value of my car is negative two-hundred-dollars. I’d have to pay someone to take it, and these folks want to give me ten grand for it. I said “Hell Yes!” and gave them a call. Boy the small print came out of the woodwork on that call. I couldn’t sell the thing outright to them for ten grand. It was only worth that money as a trade for a new car, and only after an inspection. The flyer didn’t say anything about those things. I told the guy about the car and even if I bought a new car, mine was only worth a grand as a trade. So much for truth in the stuff that comes in the mail.
Those marketers tell me how exclusive I am all the time. Sadly, it’s all a lie. They tell the same things to everybody, just to make them think they’re something special and then do what they want. Another word for this is flattery, and as Arnold Lobel said “Nothing Is Harder to Resist Than a Bit of Flattery.” This brings two questions to mind; “How can I avoid being taken in by flattery in marketing?” and Who the heck is Arnold Lobel and why should I care what he says?” Actually, that was three questions but I believe my point is made.
After all this stuff, you might think Car Dealerships would be the worst in this whole flattery/ sales thing. You’d be wrong of course, but might think that. The worst one I’ve seen is political parties. I got an exclusive letter just last month form a party telling me they were starting a new campaign to completely disrupt the other party, and I could be one of the first people to give money to this cause. Oh Boy! Lucky Me! Which party it was doesn’t matter. All that matters in these letters is their disdain for each other, and they know just how much I hate those guys, right along the party line. To think. I could be the first one to donate to their idiocy.
Sadly, for them, I know how to think for myself. I know that’s just crazy talk, but I just can’t stop. The letter said they knew I would want to be first to contribute to this wonderful cause, because of how wonderful I am. Wow, just wonderful little old me, and no one else. I admit I’m wonderful, just ask me and I’ll tell you. But I’ve never donated to any political cause. The news tells me every day that these causes have millions of dollars already. So why do they need my paltry ten-bucks? Once, the president wrote me a personal letter telling me how he needed my money to continue to fight the enemy from within. It even had my name inserted in the letter several times. Now, the president has billions of dollars and frankly I think he’s as evil as the enemy. He’ll survive without my money.
What gets to me more than anything else is those marketing types truly believe that I’ll believe anything they’ll tell me. Like I’m so ignorant that the bulk rate postage stamp doesn’t tell me they sent thousands of these letters. I would ask, “How stupid do they think I am?” Only my wife reads this and she’ll tell me. My son is the same way. When he drives, he leaves the car’s gas tank completely empty. Then I get in, see how empty it is, and get mad. He says, he knew the car was low but I must have burned up the last gallon by opening the door and sitting down. Not starting the engine, mind you, just closing the door. Heaven forbid I would open the window; I’d end up burning all five quarts of oil as well. He has a great career ahead of him in marketing.
I could explain more but I have to go now. I just got a hot letter telling me I’m a finalist in a multi-million-dollar Give-Away, And I have to send this form back really quick.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On