As I write this, I am smiling. I have been declared a hero. No, I don’t need medals or citations. Just the knowledge that I have saved a small town from total disaster is enough for me. However, if you want to send cash, I will humbly accept it saying it will go toward animal preservation and well-being. Oh, and a new car. I feel like the knights of old, sent out on a quest to eliminate the offending beast, and of course be rewarded by the king. The thing is I didn’t get the beautiful princess’s hand in marriage. What a Gyp!

The tale of Sir Ohh! goes as follows. You’ll have to imagine the guy in funny clothes playing a lute. This tale is only a few weeks old and the proper music hasn’t been written yet. Also, they’re still counting up the number of Hey Nonny Nonnies they’re going to need. Those things are expensive. Either way here goes:

Come one come all and hear my tale

From a place a way out east.

Sir Emery Ohh! could never fail

And avoided slaying the beast

Sing Hey Nonny nonny nonny, Hey Nonny nonny nonny

Hey Nonny nonny nonny no.

Wow that’s twenty-three dollars in nonnies alone. I better just regale the tale in my normal fashion.

I was visiting my friend, Z, in a lovely little town. The best thing about his mini-metropolis is the fact they have a petite zoo. Surprisingly, it is kept to very high standards and the animals have lots of room to move around. Unfortunately, due to a limited budget, most of their animals have been sent to them from other zoos, and are not what you’d call the cream of the crop, as it were. One of the main attractions, is a lion named Chuck who is a little scrawny and spends most of his days sleeping.

Anyway, I was visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and we went to the zoo and the local brewery to have some fun. We were on our fourth round when the news came in. Chuck the ferocious lion had escaped the zoo and was at that very moment walking down the center of Indiana Avenue. Two types of people reared their ugly heads. First were the fear mongers who were locking up their children, screaming it was the end of the world. Second were the idiots who wanted to get pictures of the big cat and ran to the scene to rubberneck. I don’t have to tell you what group I was in, Oh and I got some great shots.

By the time we got there, Chuck the lion had found himself a shady place and was resting under a bush by an oak tree. The police were keeping everyone far back from the site, and the zoo had sent an animal wrangler, named Dave, to sedate and recapture the beast. The problem was Dave was afraid of lions and the zoo didn’t have a tranquilizer gun. So, there we all were. Chuck sat in the shade roaring anytime someone took a step toward him. Lots of idiots were standing a safe distance away, snapping pictures and video hoping to produce the next Ken Burns documentary. Dave and the chief of police cowering by the Zoo truck waiting for someone to arrive from Chicago with a tranquilizer gun, and hoping none of the idiots tasted good with a little catsup.

After twenty tense minutes, Dave got a phone call. Someone at the park said if they put sedatives in some hamburger, it would put the lion to sleep, and then he could be loaded in to the truck and returned to his habitat. Easy Peasy. Dave had the right pills and the cops went and got the meat. The issue was no one was close enough to chuck balls of ground chuck to Chuck. Another great idea shot down by cowardice.

Here’s where the story gets good, and if there were a minstrel dressed in bright colors playing a lute, folks would be getting really excited right about now. I kind of wish there was a troubadour regaling the tale of my greatness. It would go something like this:

They wanted a strong man to send

But a foolish one works I hear

Remember Sir Ohh! and his good friend

Had just finished four potent beers

Sing Hey Nonny nonny nonny, Hey Nonny nonny nonny

Hey Nonny nonny nonny no.

Yes, you guessed it. My buddy Z and I volunteered to walk up to a hungry lion, and throw three-pound beef bombs at it. If that’s not a recommendation for dark, high alcohol beers, I don’t know what is.

Dave made up the drugged beef and Z and I moved several steps toward Chuck. I can still hear Z’s brother encouraging us saying, “Good Luck Guys, but if this doesn’t work can I have your car?”

We walked with purpose and the lion roared. Luckily it was a hot day and he was enjoying the shade so he made no move toward us. We each carried two beef bombs and were told if Chuck ate any two of them, he would become docile. All four and he would be sound asleep. We got to within throwing range, and I let one fly. It landed very close to Chuck’s face, and the lion, who had apparently not read Dave’s memo did nothing he was supposed to do.

Chuck roared his happiness at being fed, and gobbled down the first meat bomb. He seemed to understand that the treat came from me, and so he jumped up and stepped toward me to get more. The beer suddenly wore off and I got suddenly more aware and screamed. Z freaked, took off, and ran back to the safety line. I was frozen to the spot when I heard Dave yell, “He only wants the meat, get rid of it and he’ll follow it. I threw it as hard as I could, but sadly three-pounds of ground beef, with several pills inside was never made to fly well. It landed by the open zoo truck right next to where Z, Dave, and the chief of police were cowering. Chuck moved slowly toward the pile of ground mush laying in the ground. This gave me an idea.

I yelled, “Z, throw all your meat inside the van.” He did, and when Chuck saw this he jumped over a hedge, right into the truck. Dave closed the door and Chuck was secure, ready to go back to the zoo, ending the wild animal stalemate.

I guess all’s well that ends well. We went back to the brewery and the chief of police bought the first round. Z and I received VIP passes to the zoo so we can visit Chuck anytime we want to, which is never. I have had my fill of lions docile or not.

Thank you, folks My tale is told,

Upon your ears I’ve sketched

Stories like mine are very old

The truth may have stretched

Sing Hey Nonny nonny nonny, Hey Nonny nonny nonny

Hey Nonny nonny nonny no.