Some of you may know and then again some of you may not know. In fact, some of you may not care at all. While others of my readers may care a lot, but I think most of you would rather I quit rambling on with random words and get to the point. Some people would think that was rude. I don’t, because I agree with those folks. I actually would like me to get to the point. This begs the question; If I feel this way, why haven’t I gotten to the point? Great question, and frankly I have no good answer. So, here’s my news; Recently I was in the hospital with pneumonia. Now before you get all worried and wonder where to send flowers, remember that I am fine.
I’m sure the bulk of you are panicking, thinking you are about to lose Mr. Ohh! for good. There is no need for worry, unless you’re planning on sending a card with cash in it. In that case, worry about a hundred-dollars’ worth. I need a few things. That’s about all it’s good for. You see I just had pneumonia-lite. You know; All the bacteria of regular pneumonia with only half the carbs. Or to use another beer analogy; Great Rest Less-Ill-ing.
Also, when I say rest, I mean rest. I was in the hospital for four days, receiving intravenous antibiotics. You can’t do anything while you’re doing that. Now you might be able to play with your phone. Sadly though, I was taken to the emergency room and never thought to charge my phone. Consequently, they put me in my room with a dead phone, no computer, and not a charger in sight. I told them I was Mr. Ohh! and needed these things. They seemed to think medicine and healing were more important than my celebrity. That’s just crazy talk.
The thing is, after a few hours there, I grew to like not being bothered by the spam calls of the world. As it turns out, the warranty on my car, and the great rate on my credit card can wait. Who knew? I also learned that withdrawal from phone video games isn’t so bad when you’re surrounded by nurses monitoring your breathing and oxygen levels, every five minutes. The real issue came in when I found out that the only TV, was elementary cartoons.
I have nothing against early childhood education, especially for early childs. However, for middle aged men it can suck the IQ points right out of your head. There’s this show called Bluey. The aim is to teach morals to kids, but in truth it pulls at your mind like a vacuum. After a few minutes watching, my nurse flirting went from, “Hey, you always make my temperature rise,” to, “Tanks so much, you make me feel hunky dory bedder.” After a while they suggested I see a psychologist who just changed the show to Paw Patrol. This wasn’t a whole lot better, but at least I started talking like a ruff and ready fire-dog.
One thing about being in a hospital is that they never want you to get too comfortable. Every so often, somebody would come in and ask if I wanted to take a walk. This was great except for the fact that the nurse’s assistant who took me for walks was Antione. Now, I am five-foot-eight, whereas Antione is about six-meters tall. I’m supposed to keep my hand on his shoulder for balance. Heck, If I could reach his shoulder without a step-ladder that would be nice. Also remember I am a weak pneumonia patient and his stride is about a half a mile. So, there we were walking down the hall. He took a step; I took an hour to catch up, then he carried me back to my room telling me I shouldn’t over exert myself like that.
Hospitals are a great place to heal, but if you want to recover you need to be at home. When one is recovering from pneumonia-lite they are supposed to do two things; Rest and drink water. My wife set up our room to make it very restful. Thank you darling. She even put a pitcher of ice water and insulated cup so that I could get my water any time I wanted it. Wonderful.
She drove me home and helped me straight to our room. I put on fresh pajamas and laid my head down to sleep. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! A few moments later I heard the creaking of the door. It was my daughter. She had read somewhere that resting with purring cats is very relaxing and will promote health. Thanks Steve and Muffin! Anyway, she thought that if she put Capn’ Blood with me in the bed, she would go to sleep and we would both feel better. My princess was wrong. I don’t know what riled the cat up, but I was attacked with four sets of claws and one set of teeth. By the time I got her out of the bed I was bleeding from both arms.
I cleaned myself up, asked my daughter not to do that again, got myself a drink of water and got back into bed. Ah Lovely Rest. I was almost asleep when my second son came home from work. He came into the room, pulled up a chair and wanted to talk. Normally this would be a wonderful thing. He hates to talk, but I was so close to asleep that I wasn’t sure what he was talking about. The strange thing is that my incoherent answers seemed to satisfy him and he thanked me for the conversation. Someday I sincerely hope he tells me what I said. I hope I didn’t advise him to shave his head, move to Tibet, and join a motorcycle gang.
The next morning is when the recovery really started. I rested, took a little walk around the house and drank water. Boy did I drink water. I already told you about the insulated cup. Well imagine having three nagging children tag-teaming with each other so they were virtually following you around telling you constantly, to drink water. Let me tell you it’s enough to drive you to drink, and not water! I did drink every time one of them asked, just to appease them.
After a day and a half, I got a call the American Lakes and Rivers Conservation Society. It seems I had caused the entire Great Lakes region’s water level to drop a foot and a half and they were getting concerned. They asked if I could relieve myself a little more often to get some of the water back into nature. I agreed, but that only caused a local sewage plant to over-flow. In the end I was regulated by the Department of Parks and Recreation.
After two days I couldn’t stand it. I gave the three of them money and sent them out to dinner. In total relaxation I sat down to watch TV with my wife. She smiled, put her head on my shoulder and whispered, “Have you been drinking your water?”
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On