Resolution #1 This Year I Resolve Not To Be Eaten By A Tiger

A week later

Well, once again we’ve completed the annual festival of carbs, candy, and creative lies, we call Christmas. It’s an interesting festival, filled with Church Fellowship, silent nights of family togetherness, and an attempt to break all seven deadly sins. I mean Gluttony and Sloth are easy with all that food around, but you have to go some for the others, but that’s beside the point. Now, it’s a week later, the parties end, and we return to our lives and the arduous task of seeking forgiveness.

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If not Read on

A weak Joke

After a week of regrets, it’s time to wish everyone a Hoppy New Year. Yes, I said hoppy. It’s a drinking joke. You see hops is one of the ingredients of beer. If you don’t drink, good for you. Although, I’m wondering how you get water and other fluids into your system. Perhaps you’re a mermaid and absorb liquid through your skin. If so that’s great, but there’s the other issue of how you’re reading a blog on a computer in an ocean full of salt water. I’m sure my friend Peanutbuttersandwichs, (that’s an odd name, but what the hay) at How To Science? will tell you that computers won’t work under ocean water, river water either. So, it may be great that you’re a mermaid, but if you are, it’s unlikely that you are reading this post.

Therefore, we must assume that you drink, at least something. There are folks who say they don’t drink, but I have just proved that’s a lie. What they mean to say is, they don’t drink alcoholic beverages, and that’s cool. They may not know that hops are an ingredient of beer. Thus, my joke was lost on them. Also, if you drink beer to excess, you may not care what makes it up as long as you can fall on your face by the end of the night. My joke could be lost on you as well.

A weak excuse

So, we’ve concluded that my original joke, Hoppy New Year, is probably lost on non-drinkers, extreme drinkers, and mermaids. Actually, I doubt if unicorns or dragons would understand it either. Maybe it wasn’t a good joke in the first place. This is something to think about. Another thing to consider is; What was my point? Who knows? I forgot that two paragraphs ago.

A weak resolution

I will say one thing. So far, in this post I have told a bad joke that no one understands, and forgotten the point of the post. Looks like I need some self-improvement. Well, shucky darn, look what time of the year it is, early January. The time for all of us to make resolutions, and improve ourselves. I could jump right on that bandwagon today, and make a resolution to never tell another bad joke ever. I bet if I worked hard and reaffirmed my commitment every hour, put forth all the greatness that is Mr. Ohh!, I just know that I could make this resolution stick all the way to January second. That’s assuming I pass out on New Years eve and don’t wake up all day on the first. You see I love bad jokes. For me they are a way of life. Sure, it might good self-improvement to get rid of them but doing it all at once would be like trying to defeat a dragon with a toothpick. Yes, the pick would be useful after he ate you for cleaning his teeth, but the dragon won’t be stopped. Although he might be sated for a week or so. So, that would be good.

A weak heart and a srtong solution

That’s the problem with resolutions, they’re always to broad, and therefore to hard. Lots of folks say they’re going to quit smoking. That’s real hard! Consequently, folks fail and they get depressed. However, if you alter the parameters just a little to mean the same thing everyone can be happy. In this case you change it form, quit smoking, to never be on fire. It means the same thing and is certainly a lot easier to achieve. Imagine your friend saying, “This year I resolve to never be on fire.” You can’t be anything but supportive, and I bet you that is a resolution he will keep long past the March date when those sceptics say all New Year’s resolutions are broken.

Another weak resolution made stronger

Another biggie is the ever popular, “I resolve to lose weight!” Very often it is a specific number like ten pounds or eight kilograms. Either way it’s the same. This one has two very easy alternatives. First you could say, “I resolve to visit the gym more often.” Think of how many times you visited the gym last year. Once? Twice? Never? All you have to do to keep this resolution is beat that number. You don’t have to work out you just have to visit the gym. Stand outside the window and wave at the folks inside with a slice of pizza in your hand, Not only is your visit keeping your resolve, that slice will provide inspiration to the folks inside.

If you don’t like that one or if it’s too hard, you can go with the second option; I resolve to change my diet. Tell me, have you had chocolate cake, ice cream, or pie alamode every week last year? No? Well then change your diet. I just used desserts for an example. You could use salty snacks, cookies, dragon steaks, powdered unicorn horn, or even vegetables, if you’re some kind of wierdo into bizarre fantasies. The thing is, just change what you eat and you’re keeping your resolution. That’ll put a crimp in those statistician’s data stream, when you keep that steadfastness long past March.

A weak family connection

 The thing is all you have to do is be creative and you can keep almost any resolution they can think of. The only ones you still won’t be able to keep are the ones someone else makes for you. My sister is a great example of this. At one time she was Miss Ohh! but since she married, she has forgotten the Ohh! family legacy. She sees my wife as being better than me, and actually we agree on that point as far as it goes. My sister somehow feels I should aspire to be as great as my wife. This is like asking Vincent Van Gogh to be as great as Thomas Jefferson. You just can’t compare the two. First Tom was great in his lifetime and was a genius in math, science, art, and engineering. Vincent was nuts, not just a little nuts, totally call the men in the white coats nuts. Years after Tom died folks understood he made some mistakes but he is still respected. Years after Vincent died folks thought his paintings were genius, but they still knew he was nuts. In other words, greatness has varying degrees and I don’t think I need to improve as much as my sister thinks I do.

But a Great Ending

Although it would be better if I didn’t forget my point so often. Then again, a hundred years from now, these writings will be selling for millions. I wonder if there’s any way to get past that whole, I’ll be dead thing?  Hmmm

Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer

Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On

$1.00

18 thoughts on “Resolution #1 This Year I Resolve Not To Be Eaten By A Tiger

  1. I came up with a solution years ago, I don’t make resolutions, therefore I can’t break them. Simple. I like simple. Of course, some people think I’m crazy for not making resolutions, but those same people think I’m crazy anyway, so no problem!😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I take my Resolution from the great Professor Beetlebaum, Doodles Weaver of Spike Jones and His City Slickers, “This year I promise not to tell a corny joke. What’s that? The church burned down? Holy Smoke!”

    Liked by 1 person

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