The Guy Who Invented This Should Be Shot!

On By Mr. Ohh's Sideways ViewIn Sideways Shopping

Not the best of times

It was the worst of times and trust me I didn’t need two cities to know it was, because I was in the drive-thru line, at a local hamburger place. If I had another city, some best of times might’ve shown up, but I couldn’t have gotten there anyway. I was in the line at the drive-thru. Actually, the two cities, Dickens was talking about were Paris and London, and I’m not anywhere near them. So, if anyone is, let me know what kind of times you’re having; best or worst. It might be nice to have something to think about while sitting here, bored out of mind, in the line, at the drive-thru.

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Not the worst of times

Actually, the day started out great, I took the day off for an appointment, and found out I’m just nuts, not certifiably insane yet. That was the first big cheer. I went shopping with my daughter and she just couldn’t find anything right. So, I earned some serious ‘Dad’ points, and didn’t spend a dime. Two big thumbs way up for that one. Next, I took my son for a driving lesson and both me and the car survived with only minor cuts and bruises. In truth, he’s getting a lot better and I was dreaming about a day in the near future when I could sit on my behind and send him out to run my list of errands. Sweet! The best part was that my other son, as usual, bought an expensive item for his computer, with his own money, not mine. Yeah! Was that a good day or what?

A tale of two dinners

I came home from my adventures and reclined in my big chair and my wife told me she was tired and wanted dinner out. I quickly agreed, imagining an intimate table for two, soft music, romantic candle light, delicious portions of salmon, all served with an extreme lack of progeny. I love my children but sometimes I don’t need to hear about girlfriend fights, high school drama, and continuous begging for me to buy tarantulas and snakes as pets. I just wanted a little wife time. Is that too much to ask? Sadly, it was not to be.

You see what my wife was thinking was that she was really tired from her busy day and didn’t want to cook dinner. She knew I had a busy day, and would cry and whine so much about cooking, it would spoil her appetite. She knows me so well.

Therefore, take-out was the only solution. The thing is, I hate take-out. I begged one of my lovely children to cook dinner, but as you may have guessed there were no takers. I couldn’t believe it. There are five people in my house, and none of them wanted to cook dinner for their glorious father, hardworking bringer of the bacon, and master of the house, as long as my wife says it’s okay.

What was even harder to believe was with three and a half drivers, several delivery companies on our phones, and my insistent complaining, for over an hour, I was still the one sitting in this freaking drive-thru.

They were giving me the Dickens

The real problem is that my family betrayed me. They conspired against me to put me in this situation. It was almost like one of those spy movies where the hero doesn’t know he’s surrounded by his enemies, who kept putting him in dangerous places. In this case they wanted me to be bored to death. Let me explain; First, where I am, all the fast-food restaurants are closed to the public because of the virus. Only the drive-thru’s are open. Next, my wife’s credit card is full so she can’t use a delivery app. Very clever on her part. Lastly, they all know at dinnertime, the line will be very long, probably around the building, and into the street, ending about three counties over. They all laugh evilly as a leave, but I as the unsuspecting hero go willingly, because it is for my family. Heck, they probably aren’t even my family. They undoubtedly replaced my real family in an attempt to stop Mr. Ohh! from spreading joy and laughter throughout the world, but I will prevail. Then again, they might just be my hungry kids.

Wuthering Patience

 In case you don’t remember, I was still in the drive-thru. The line was moving so slowly and I was starting to get philosophical and began pondering the great questions like; How do the folks who create models of dinosaurs know what color they were? Nobody ever saw one but they all seem to agree that T-rex was a tannish-brown color. When you’re the biggest, baddest, predator in the world, you don’t have to hide. It would be so much cooler if it was hot pink and its food was neon green.

Another thought was, did Sir Isaac Newton really understand how many millions and millions of high school students he was screwing up when he invented algebra? What if it was just a practical joke for a few kids he was pissed at? “I’ll Make them learn all this crap, and they’ll never understand that it’s really nothing more than random stuff I made up! Ha Ha Ha” Then some other professor picked up the notes and made everybody learn it from then on.

Still another great question is; Why won’t that idiot in the white van, three cars up, move forward? People in front of him have moved three times and he just sits there. “Get off your phone you idiot! Pull up so I can get my but out of the Stinking Street!” Hey look it worked we are moving slowly; Ten feet, twenty feet, and stop. A new place to wait, now I can take thirty seconds to admire the new scenery. Ohh Boy!!

Once white van moved the world seemed a little more hopeful. I was finally in the home stretch; I was going to be able to order my food in just a few minutes. Ohh Crap! I just remembered, I never decided what I wanted to eat. They gave me a list of what the rest of them needed but no one asked me. In truth I wanted a pizza, but you can’t get one here in the drive-thru. Pizza has a better system all around. You call on the phone, tell them what you want, and they make it. Then they bring it to you. No muss no fuss and no drive-thru!

The ending can make it a classic

Okay forget that. Do I want a hamburger or a fish sandwich? Or maybe chicken? Chicken is good, especially the sandwich with mozzarella cheese and red sauce. It’s like a pizza on a bun. That’s what I want. Now do I want fires or tater-puffs? Tater-puffs are great but the last time I got them they were soggy and yech. Decisions, decisions? Einstein didn’t think this hard coming up with theories of the universe, sheesh.

Well now you heard the drive-thru saga, you may be asking yourself what ultimately happened. Well, I choked. I got out of line and went and bought fried chicken, something nobody wanted. It’s their fault they should have sent somebody else.

Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer

Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On

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28 thoughts on “The Guy Who Invented This Should Be Shot!”

  5. When you read it on the post, it says Paris and London but when I listened to your silver tongue read the post you said Paris and Moscow. What does Ma’s cow have to do with anything? Your explanation of Algebra makes the most sense I have ever heard. You were lucky you were in one of those drive-thrus that you can escape from. I have been to a couple where you are stuck, but good, if you get past a certain point. Fried chicken was a good choice, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so glad you got the food in the end….did they all moan about the fried chicken or were they so hungry they just ate it?
    Be safe and avoid drive throughs ….if you really did mess up with the fried chicken perhaps they will never send you again😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Up here once you are in a drive through, that’s it, no getting out except by going all the way through. There is always a building on one side and a rock wall on the other, just no way out of them things. I think whoever invented them hated people. And then you get those people right behind you that constantly honk their horn thinking that will make the line move faster!😬😬🤯🤯😂😂🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  22. One time there was a guy behind me honking his horn continually, he had his car turned off since we were not moving, but it was a cold winter day. When the line started to move he couldn’t start his car! That really got the horns honking then!😂😹🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Actually, the two cities, Dickens was talking about were Paris and London, and I’m not anywhere near them. So, if anyone is, let me know what kind of times you’re having; best or worst.

    I grew up in London. I don’t live there any more. It wasn’t bad, but having lived in a small village now for many years, I much prefer it. No theatres, cinemas or museums locally (though the train station is close, so I can venture to such things whenever I wish) but there are plenty of public pathways through woods and fields, very relaxing; and most importantly of all, the neighbours are friendly, and actually talk to each other.

    I’ve also lived in Paris. I won’t go into detail (too intimate) but that was definitely some of the best of times for me. “A day in Paris is like a year in any other place” – so true!

    As for the drive-thru issue: oh, dear. Sorry. I’m that guy who infuriates you by not creeping forward five feet when a tiny gap appears in the queue. It’s because I know that idling a vehicle is both a waste of money and contributes to climate change, and that the amount of fuel required to start an average ICE is about seven seconds’ worth of idling fuel, and so I sit there, ‘inappropriately’ according to others’ views, all too often. I’m terribly sorry that my choice causes you distress! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Actually, I was wondering when someone would bring up this mistake. I remembered this about an hour after I posted this and there was too much to change so I left it. Thanks for your story but fear not I drive a Hybrid I was just looking for laughs 🤣🤔😵

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