Let’s sing about love

What’s Love Got to Do With It? Well, actually nothing, but before you go saying I’ll Never Fall in Love Again you should probably check this out. I realize that Love Stinks and Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, but Wake Up Little Susie. You should know by now that Love Is a Battlefield when someone gets Close To You. Even if you Couldn’t Get It Right by the Last Dance you’ve got to remember that I Will Always Love You. So, Take a Chance. Sure, it may be Toxic, but That’s What Love Is. It doesn’t matter if you’re Royal or just Stumblin’ In, you have got to forget those Silly Love Songs and be Starting Over with your Wildest Dreams. I mean, Wouldn’t It Be Nice to get yourself a Brand-New Key and Cherish it with all your Feelings, Then and only then will you Know What Love Is. And Betcha By Golly, Wow you’ll find that Sweet Love, that Forever Love, and you’ll know that Love Will keep Us Together. Or maybe you’ll be Happy Together with a Father Figure, or Muskrat Love if that’s what you’re into. Hey I don’t judge, it’s a Whole New World.

Now that I’ve said all that, have you ever noticed that singers are a little behind the curve from the rest of us? Other than Mr. Ohh! that is. Who, by divine gift, is the all-knowing observer of the human condition? It truly is a prodigious responsibility, but I have tried to remain humble toward all those little people who never hear my words. We legends do have it tough, but without us the world would never understand.  What don’t they understand? Who knows? But if someone doesn’t understand something it’s most likely because they haven’t been talking to me. I just hope one of you who understands what I’m talking about will let me in on the secret. I’m so confused.

Let’s sing about singers of love

I believe at one point I mentioned singers. Therefore, I’ll build on that, and move forward. These folks make tremendous amounts of money and never quite get the picture. I already mentioned, there are countless songs of misguided love. Clueless singers all over the world tell of all the things they are willing to do for the love of another person. Some of them are serious. Walking for miles, staying up all night, getting a name tattooed on your forehead and even chickens or goats are just some of the sacrifices people are willing to make for that special someone.

However, as I very colorfully hinted at in the opening paragraph, love may be impractical although you have to approach it practically. I mean take the line that shows up in so many songs; You’re the one I’ve waited for forever. Nope, couldn’t happen! You can’t wait forever, you have to do things like eat chocolate bars, walk the dog, and go to the restroom. I guess you could replace that with; I’ve hoped you’d come by forever. Nope again! Forever is a long time and you weren’t around for most of it. There were times of lava, oceans, plants, insects, amphibians, dinosaurs, cavemen, mammoths, cavemen being squished by mammoths, cavemen being frozen in ice, cavemen being killed by neandertals, and the Vikings kicking the Neandertals butts. By the way the final score was 42 to 17. It really wasn’t a very good game, but it seems ESPN replays it every other Tuesday, after Ping Pong, but I digress.

Let’s sing about waiting for love

The point is you weren’t waiting forever. Also, don’t tell me you’re waiting your whole life. For the first four years of your life, you didn’t even know what food was, which is why most of us experimented with crayons, paste, and the occasional dog turd. So, I know you weren’t expecting a date to show up. What I’m saying is, “Hey singers, you can keep waiting until you’re a skeleton, but until you get off your behind and do something, you’re never gonna find that right person.

Of course, singers have trouble with that too. There’s one guy who’s willing to walk five-hundred miles just so he can walk another five hundred and fall down at his love’s door. Dude, Bad plan all around. First, do you realize how long that would take? A person can walk about three miles per hour. That means the thousand miles would take three-hundred-thirty-four hours, or thirteen-point-nine-two days assuming you do it straight through. If you sleep at night, it becomes twenty-one days. If you take off to walk for three weeks, without warning, and drop on her doorstep without taking a shower, dude the relationship is gonna be over. You will be kicked to the curb so fast…

Let’s sing about belonging to love

Next there’s that girl who sings, “You belong with me!” I am not yours. I don’t belong to anybody. Abraham Lincoln abolished that stuff with the Admiration Proclamation which states you don’t have to go out with anybody you don’t like. It’s one of his lesser-known laws. However there still is an amendment that says your mother can make you go to Prom with your sister if you don’t have a date. Sorry, maybe someday the supreme court will revisit this and find it to be cruel and unusual punishment.

Of course, there’s also songs where the singer offers to do something to show their love, like wait a thousand years, or climb the highest mountain, or face a high-school testing proctor without a number two pencil. All I can say to those people is this; Don’t! The potential partner isn’t worth it. If you have to do stuff like that to prove your worth, they’re not into you. Skip the pain and dump them. You’ll be better off in the long run.

Let’s sing about movies of love

And it’s not only songs. How many times have you seen a movie where a guy runs into a crowd and screams, “There’s a beast in the woods”? Then everyone jumps up, grabs torches and pitchforks and off they go. Am I the only one who thinks they should get more information? What if the guy was talking about a salamander? That’s a beast. It’s also only three inches long. However, it does have some funky mating habits, that makes it kind of cool, but it is a beast. You see it lives in creeks and once a year it crosses a road to get a pond. In the pond, at night a million salamanders all go love crazy, in a great big salamander soup. Then in the morning they all cross back over the road and lay eggs in the creek. Don’t worry folks, they close the road for these beastly salamanders.

Let’s sing about salamander love??

Actually, that would be a great outdoorsy, true to life, love song. It might go something like this; Stop the traffic, and cross the road. I wanna be in a great big salamander soup with you! Unlike so many songs, it’s completely true and gets the point across. Then again If it’s too much there’s always. Come up from the creek tonight honey, You’ve been under that rock to long.

Let’s just forget the whole thing

Does the Mr. Ohh! talent ever end? Call a recording company, I’m a song writer now!