Learning problem

They say, “You’re never too old to learn.” This may be true, but at a certain point in life, it should change to, “You’re never too old to pick up some useless fact which will haunt you for the rest of your life.” I have reached that point, and I don’t like it.

For instance; Do you ever stop and wonder how streets get their names? I certainly never did. However, some years ago, I learned how. It’s random! There are no studies, or focus groups done. It’s just somebody walking up to somebody else and asking them to name a street.

Sometimes, several street names all have a theme. Where I live there’s, a development called, Gettysburg Estates. Every street is named after an American Civil War battle. My question is; If you live in the southern part of the development, are you required to hate the folks in the northern part? Do the bylaws state, northerners must plant bluebells, while the south has grey lilies? If you visit friends across the line, can you be shot for treason? It’s very confusing.

I dropped a name…

Now, I learned back then, if someone builds a new street, they ask the locals what to name it. This makes sense except for the fact the locals won’t be local forever. Say your last name is Kowalski. You smile and name the new street Kowalski, Blvd. Five years later, you move. Suddenly there are no Kowalski’s on Kowalski Blvd. Now, the name makes absolutely no sense, and it’s very hard to pronounce. But the name goes on forever. This is a major problem.

Okay, it may not be one for everyone but it was for me two years ago. I live on the end of a cul-de-sac. Back then, they decided to extend this into a street. As mine would be the first house on this new street, contractors asked me to name it. Talk about pressure! I almost asked my family. Then I remembered they’re the ones responsible for names like Wonder Dog, Cap’n Blood and Baby-Bun-Bun. Their track record is not very good. It was going to have to be me.

My first thought was to name it after my grandfather, Fred. Sadly, Fred Street sounded really dumb. I thought of, Frederick J. Ohh! Avenue. Way too stuffy! I wondered about some stupid names like Street Street, or Cammerplast Road. Sadly, the city shut those down as ridiculous, and they were. But wouldn’t it have been great to live on Framufrump Drive?

I put my little grey cells, (thanks Agatha Christie), to the task, and came up with a name we could all agree on. I named the road after my fictitious uncle, Aurthur Greensward Paved. The city complained it was too long to fit on the sign. I knew it would be. Consequently, I agreed to shorten it. I now live on the coolest named street in the world; A. Paved Road.

And it shattered

Tell me that isn’t great. Imagine, telling folks where to send their bills. “Yes, Mr. Banker, my address is 100 A. Paved Road. No, I am not joking!” Or maybe telling an, out of town business associate, “Yes, I do live in Columbus, Ohio, on A. Paved Road.” Wouldn’t it be great to walk out of a bar or pub, and tell the cop testing your sobriety, “Don’t contradict me officer. I know where I live. I live on A. Paved Road, and it’s around here someplace.” I’m just sorry I didn’t think of it before Abbot and Costello broke up. Although, I really can’t be blamed as the separation happened years before I was born. Either way, can’t just you hear them saying;

“So tell me where you live”

“A. Paved Road”

“I didn’t think it was a gravel driveway! Tell me where you live.

“I’m just told you.”

“You said you live on a paved road”

“That’s right and I do”

“You do what?”

“Live on A. Paved Road”

“Does this road happen to have a name?”

“Yes”

“Well, what is it, for crying out loud?”

“A. Paved Road!”

Naturally, the city council had no sense of humor about this. They sent a councilwoman out to the ribbon cutting and she kept asking how to pronounce the name. I told her no less than three times, but she refused to believe me. Look, I named the road. I should know how to pronounce it. Sadly, as with city councils around the world, the politicians never believe their constituents. Did I say that? I emphatically deny it. Must have been somebody who looks like me.

Nature in the city

Then again, city councils are very confused as it is. Near where I live is a housing project called, The Woods. Am I the only one who sees the irony of this. They call it The Woods, but to build it, they had to cut down all the trees. Maybe if they called it, The Former Woods, or Trees No More. I can see those but not, The Woods.

Another one is called, The Eagles Nest. Yes, there are eagles in my area, but none have ever been seen in this development. Eagles nest in old trees, and the nests can weigh hundreds of pounds. There are no trees and no nests, just a bunch of houses. And another thing, eagles are solitary. If each house was a nest, no eagle in their right mind would go near them. They’re too close together.

Where was that?

Then there’s, Hidden Valley. I know of four developments around the country with this name. Two are located on the top of hills. A valley is at the bottom of a hill, not the top. Who was the surveyor in that project? “I proclaim this a valley.”

“Um, but Mr. Smithers, aren’t we on top of a hill?”

“It’s that kind of thinking, Crankshaw, that’s preventing you from becoming a great civil servant”

Another thing is, none of them are hidden. There right out in the open. In fact, there are large signs directing folks right to them. If folks wanted the valley hidden, they shouldn’t have built so many houses there. Too many people know about it. Now, if they’d only built one house, and not chopped down all the trees, they might have stayed hidden. But the way they did it is all wrong.

No smoking

Lastly, there’s one called, Firefly Glen. I can hear you screaming, “Well, what’s wrong with that? There’re probably lots of fireflies, and it could be in a glen. So there, Mr. Ohh! You’re not so smart.” Well, with all due respect, yes, I am. You’re just not seeing things with my warped vision.

When speaking of houses, I don’t want fire-anything. Frankly, fireflies are badly named. They’re not flies at all. They’re beetles. Also, they have no fire, or lightning for that matter. In case you choose to call them lightning bugs. Unfortunately, the development name suggests, your home will likely burn in the first month you live there. Great for insurance fraud, but not for a homey atmosphere.

You might as well name it after my other fictitious uncle, Daniel Christopher Housing. As in D. Housing Development!

Yea! That Works!!