Spreading question

Here’s a question for the ages; How do you make a peanut butter sandwich? Most people don’t make them right. At this point, another question might be, “Okay, Mr. Ohh!, what’s the right way to make a peanut butter sandwich?” Well, that answer is easy; The way I make it.

This response might incite some controversy. Or maybe create a desire for ancient wisdom. Heck, it may even make you hungry for peanut butter sending to straight to the kitchen. Once there, you’ll probably find you’re out of bread, end up having nightmares, cold sweats, long therapy sessions, and a strange desire to break into a local bakery. In this case, my advice would be, do it on a Tuesday. The bread’s always fresher, and they haven’t sold out of eclairs yet. Hey, there’s no reason for me to stop you. I just want to make sure you maximize your effort.

The answers may have jellied

All this being said, I’ll tell you how I make this mysterious sandwich. The trick is to spread the peanut butter all the way to the edges of the bread. The thing is, I recently read an article about a quarter-million-dollar, government sponsored, study which stated that seventy-two percent of Americans don’t spread to the edges. The results showed most folks only spread to within a quarter inch from the edge, leaving a white bread ring around a peanut butter puddle. I was shocked! Something must be done about this!

The problem is clear, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. This kind of thing just can’t go on. How it got this bad just baffles me. If I have anything to do with it, you have my word, things will go no further. I will face this injustice with all the strength I can muster. Kind of sounds like I’m running for government office. Doesn’t it? Well, it should. I took most of it from speeches, made in various elections.

Nuts about the government

Now that all this has been clearly stated, I have to say categorically, I don’t care a schnartz about how you spread your peanut butter. I want to know why the government is spending so much cash on studies of how we make sandwiches. It bogles the mind.

On the other hand, I’m a smart, yet warped, guy. I could think of hundreds of weird questions, I might need major government funding to answer. In fact, I’ve already submitted a proposal. I’m seeking government funds to study government funded studies, in an effort to research government funding. What will I do with the data I collect from my study of these studies? Heck, I don’t know. I’ll just publish a useless paper like the peanut butter guys did. What else did they use their data for?

Then again, their data did come to good use. I used it as reference material for this post. That’s the thing about studies. Mostly, all they’re good for is providing a factual basis for something else. Usually, it’s someone else’s research. In other words; The primary reason for doing a study is to validate the data collected on another study. This is called science.

My peanut can’t figure this out

I told all this to my son. Basically, I was telling him how incredibly stupid all this was. He verbally beat me up. He informed me all research is valid. You may not see any practical uses for it immediately, but building the knowledge base is always a good thing. He then explained how our travels to the moon, essentially created the computer industry, and made all our lives better. Boy, I hate it when he’s right.

The thing is, whenever research revels something as “Beneficial”, everyone in the world jumps on it. Take marketing for instance; Way back when someone discovered putting “New and Improved” on a package caused folks to notice it more. It worked great. Suddenly, everything on the shelves had a “Brand New Formula” or had “Improved Performance.”  Heck, I even remember one laundry product stating it got your clothes, “Cleaner that clean.”

How can it do that? Once you get past the clean limit, you’re done. Are they saying that if I use their product, I can wear my underwear for a whole day and it’ll still be clean? I’m betting no!

I’m certainly not going to go around smelling day-old underwear in an effort to find out. I’ll let someone else do that research, thank you very much. Frankly, if there’s a person who wants to do any kind of underwear smelling job, he’d probably get arrested. I’m just saying.

I also seriously wonder what they improved. What if all they did was adjust the size of the box? They never tell you that. I’ve never seen a detergent box with the bold words, “Several Ounces Less, But Still the Same Price!!” Not good for you, but it’s a great improvement for their bottom line.

Sandwiching awareness with lies

What those products are trying to do is to get noticed. They advertise outrageous claims and folks flock to them. Whatever happened to the truth? Maybe I should scream that; Four out of five gophers interviewed claim that reading Mr. Ohh!’s blog will cause you to grow hair. No, I haven’t done the research. Then again, are you baldies willing to risk that it doesn’t? You’ve never seen a hairless gopher. Have you?

Think about this; How many stores have you seen advertising the guaranteed lowest price? If this is true, it only means is that all the stores have the same price. It could be ridiculously high, but it’s the lowest price around. On the other hand, the lowest priced item could be trash. It won’t do what you want, but it’s the lowest price.

Near where I live there’s a restaurant, advertising the best sandwiches in the area. About a block away, there’s one saying its sandwiches are he best in the city. Which ones are actually better? Is the local area bigger or smaller than the city? Is the researched city the one the shop is actually in? On the other hand, does their claim of being best cover everyone’s homes? What if grandma Agnes makes better food than both of them? I’m completely baffled as to where to get the best. All I can say is, I’m not looking to go door-to-door for hours just to get lunch.

Spread out your best

With everyone saying their stuff the best I’m getting caught up in a lot of noise about where to go, or what to buy. I betting that if you want to get noticed it might be better to be a bit different. I don’t know about you, but I’d certainly take notice if a product proudly displayed, “The Same Stuff It’s Always Been” I might even like it better than the improved garbage.

Consequently, I’ve decided to open the amazing, “Almost as Good Sandwich Shoppe”. Tell me you wouldn’t notice that. And it would be the truth. The food would be almost as good, as those other places. Except for the peanut butter sandwiches. I’d make sure the peanut butter would be spread all the way to the edges of the bread.

The Way It’s Supposed To Be!!