Bigger Is Not Necessarily Better

A little information about me: I drive a very small car. Many have said that I drive an oversized skateboard. I don’t think that’s very nice. In fact, some people think I’m highly intelligent driving my tiny little car. They say I care for the environment by purchasing a car with high gas mileage. Many girls find me sexy, saying I love the earth by preserving fossil fuels. Though they also say I have my radio on too loud, and wish I would turn it down when the windows are open. I guess you can’t have everything.

Actually, I do let the girls believe I am environmentally conscious, but not so much. I drive a small car because it’s fun. It is truly more fun than you can know when you’ve got sixteen full-size vehicles behind you, and they are all waiting because some dinky little box decided to drive the speed limit. Notice I did not say I drive slowly. Doing such a thing would be nasty as if I were annoying people for kicks. No, no, I drive the speed limit. Somehow, our generally lawless human nature, which was most prominent in the days of the old West when chaos was rampant, has these days dwindled into folks seeing speeding as the greatest way of sticking it to the man. Consequently, everyone gets their jollies driving ten miles over the speed limit. We get extremely annoyed when some person is driving the speed limit and holding them all up. If you’re ever screaming bloody murder because you’re caught in this situation, wave. (With more than one finger please) It’s probably me.

I do it on purpose, because I feel I am the hero of the little guy. All those folks who drive their SUVs and super-large pickup trucks sometimes need to be told that they’re still just like everybody else no matter how big their car might be.

Here’s another fun thing; have you ever been in a large grocery store or mall parking lot and noticed how many pickup trucks there are? If your area is like mine you will notice that virtually half of all the vehicles in the lot are huge non-commercial trucks. Now, I am not against pickup trucks. In fact, I know pickup trucks are very useful. You can load them up with stuff and transport large loads. You can cover them up and go camping and sleep in the bed. They are even very useful for meeting new people, specifically when they have something large to move. That being said, think about the parking lot that we mentioned earlier. You’ll probably notice that ninety per-cent of all the pickup trucks in that lot have sparkling paint or a pristine bed-liner.

You see, unless you work a farm most trucks have never been used for their designed purpose. I don’t understand this. I mean the cabs are not as comfortable as, say, a Cadillac. They are not as stylish as, say, a two-seater MG. In point of fact, those cabs aren’t even as big as my little pregnant roller-skate. What is it that makes people want to drive a pickup truck, never using it for its intended purpose, just so they can put on a cowboy hat and boots then listen to country and western music? I have listened to country and western music and have never been arrested by the music police for not having a cowboy hat and boots. I looked it up and there are no laws concerning what you wear while listening to any specific type of music. So, please tell me why!! Oh, sorry brought that up. I was gone, I’m back now.

I honestly don’t care. If you want to, drive a pickup truck, whether you ever expect to use the bed for hauling anything or not. I’m actually not against pickup trucks in general at all. I am against the largeness of the vehicles. Large pickup trucks are only one of three major categories of monster vehicles that occupy the roads of America. Everything I’ve said about pickup trucks can be imitated with SUVs. I mean how many people in the cities of these United States of America actually take their vehicles off the road? I would be willing to bet the percentage is very low. Yet there are millions of them all over the highways and byways of this great country.

I guess you could call all of this a size issue. Why are we so obsessed with big cars and stuff? What happened to make bigger things so much better? Usually, this is the part of my story where I come up with a grandiose conclusion and solution to the issue at hand. Not today. I am truly baffled by the size of the vehicles in this country. I don’t dislike anyone for driving them, I just don’t understand why.

I have a local grocery store, as I’m sure many of you do. Have you ever watched as the lot starts filling up when these behemoths show up and try to park? I have actually taken an afternoon to watch the entertainment. I find a place where I can see a goodly portion of the parking lot. I look towards the front of the lot where most of the cars try to be and I wait. Invariably someone will leave and have to turn the wheel back and forth two or three times to slide out of the thinly painted parking space. Very soon after another large vehicle will have to shimmy back and forth to get into the very same space. It’s almost like a dance.

I will not, however, say my way is the best way. It works for me and allows me to smile down the highway. Unfortunately, I must also weigh the drawbacks. In my little car I cannot always see the traffic light if there is a large vehicle ahead of me. Also, while it is easy for me to slide in parking spaces in my tiny vehicle, there is often a problem getting back out because two Hummers have parked beside me and I can’t see around them. Although, I do get a warm spot in my heart as I am sitting in the parking space and I watched three or four people attempt to get into it behind me because they couldn’t see around the larger vehicles also and didn’t know I was there.

I have asked around. Actually, I only asked one person because I really hate doing research. I was told, she drives an elephantine car because she feels safe in a collision. I find this even more baffling than before. I’ve priced these cars. They are very expensive. Why would people pay that much money and then go out and have a collision? I think it would make much more sense to avoid collisions. But then again, I drive a small car, so maybe I don’t understand collision fun just like I don’t understand driving a car with its own gravitational pull. Well, I’m sure they don’t understand me either.

If you have comments, want to discuss techniques in cow milking, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at ohhssidewaysview@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you!

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