A cheesy State
I would like to tell you all about the great state of Wisconsin, USA. All you lovers of bad jokes now want me to say, “I’d like, to but I can’t! Har, Har” This is not true, so there. However, I did exaggerate when I said great. Nice, or okay, might’ve been better, or perhaps, interesting considering my personal time there. I said great because I have blogger friends like Herb Thiel who I believe come from Wisconsin, or at least have relatives there, and I don’t want to insult them in case they have me listed as partial heirs to their billion-dollar estates. Of course, it’s more likely be like my clown friend Dave. When the reading of his will came around, we were all sitting around the table and the lawyer said, “Next, to Mr. Ohh! who wanted to be remembered in my will; Hello Mr. Ohh!” But back to the point.
For those of you outside of the US, Wisconsin is known for two things; dairy farms and beer. As a kid, there was so much publicity on those two things I thought there was nothing else in the whole state. I was wrong. In fact, my first visit was to a place called Kenosha, which is a Native American word meaning; Keep your Damn cows away from our airports! Kenosha is the home to a large fleet of restored WWI and WWII military aircraft. As a kid, I went there with my family and it was pretty cool. They had flying demonstrations and everything, certainly worth a look. At least it was when I was young. It was thirty years ago and the folks were pretty old then. So don’t book travel on my recommendation. The Kenoshite’s may have started drinking the beer, and the cows may have won back the territory by now. Cows can be very aggressive, and those airfields look mighty tasty.
Beer is the reason for my second visit to Wisconsin. I got a series of commercials and a beer company flew me in for filming and pictures, in January. Wisconsin gets a lot of snow in January. Where I was, they don’t even plow the whole road. They just make a path down the middle of the street and hope the walls of snow, on either side, don’t cave in on you. The job went fine, but for a guy not from there, every short trip became a thrill ride. Just imagine it; I’m in a subcompact rental car with poor traction on a single icy lane, walls of snow looming above me on both sides blocking out the sun and all civilization, a parade of large SUV’s honking their horns, pressing me to go faster. Suddenly, I turn an unexpected sharp corner and am met with a stop light, and thirty lanes of speeding cross traffic. If you can’t stop with all that ice they toss you in a snowdrift in the median, and count the bodies next spring. If you do stop you become a proud hood ornament on somebody’s truck. It’s no wonder they sell so much beer, those who arrive at their destination need it.
I actually looked for something similar at various amusement parks, but ride engineers felt it was too scary, for southerners. The heart attack insurance would be incredible. Of course, those frozen Wisconsinites would laugh and call it Friday. Hey, I thought it was a good idea.
Not very Guda
Then there’s dairy. That’s a silly one. There are dairies everywhere. That’s like saying East Bunkin is known for grass. It’s too easy. The publicists should have stopped at beer. Beer is cool. I mean Minnesota is right next store and all the publicists could figure out to promote in that state was lakes. It’s called the land of a thousand lakes! Big Deal! I like the outdoors a lot, but frankly a couple of lakes and I’m good. I don’t need a thousand. Take a tip Minnesota, find something else. Lakes are just not happening. Beer on the other hand, is more of an everyday thing. Be proud of the beer, Wisconsin. Dairy isn’t the best way to go.
Wisconsin might even know this, because they try to push the whole cheese thing. They even call themselves cheese-heads. Frankly, I’m not a fan. This distresses my friend DB to no end, but I have my reasons. Let me tell you why. You see in Switzerland they have Swiss cheese. It’s distinctive in color, aroma, texture, sharp flavor and even the fact that it has holes in it. It’s aged in six-foot wheels that weigh hundreds of pounds, in a process hundreds of years old. About this time, you’re probably thinking, “Where’s the joke Mr. Ohh!?” There is no joke about Swiss cheese. The joke is American Cheese. American Cheese has no tradition or age. In fact, it’s not even a cheese according to the older definitions, it’s a cheese food.
Melting American Opinions
In most things I’m a proud American, but when it comes to cheese, I hang my head in shame. Even commercials for American cheese say “Every slice contains six glasses of milk.” That’s why it doesn’t taste like cheese at all, it tastes like milk. It’s so bad the Wisconsin factories don’t make American cheese at all. They make Swiss or Cheddar Cheese, and Cheddar is a single city cheese.
Can’t you see it, the town council of Cheddar, England got together and started arguing. I know they were arguing because all councils argue. It’s what they do. They put some cheese in the fridge, from Fenster’s dairy, for lunch. Well, they argued for five years, and that cheese aged. When the debate was settled, they finally ate lunch. I’ve got to believe they were pretty hungry. Anyway, the council declared the aged cheese to be the official Cheddar cheese. Too bad old man Fenster died and never had the chance to call it Fenster Cheese, but that’s how it goes. He did however leave his entire farm to an Ox named Albert. The money from the sale of the cheese made the ox rich who eventually purchased a specially designed Ford truck an ox could drive. When he eventually passed, the truck was donated to an obscure university which was so happy to get it, they renamed themselves The Oxford University. It’s really there in England. Google it. I guess that has nothing to do with cheese so let’s move on.
Then there’s Italian cheese, mozzarella cheese was originally made from buffalo milk. Take that Wisconsin. It was also made from sheep and goat’s milk. Not many diaries in America milk sheep. Yes, I understand lots of folks don’t drink, but I’m still thinking you should stick with the beer thing. I don’t see the sheep cheese thing working out.
An explosive ending
Although, I could’ve got it wrong. I just looked at a Wisconsin product called Noyan Pied-de-vent Richelieu. I have no idea what that is. I’m not sure I say it right. What if it’s an explosive or something? I could eat it, belch and suddenly become Mr. Uh Ohh! flying across the sky.
Maybe that’s what Wisconsin’s going for? All-Natural Air Travel? Hmmmm?
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On