On the job

On my last job, which really isn’t worth remembering, I had a very gung-ho supervisor. She had a unique way of doing things. She would ask me to do an impossible task saying, “I never ask anyone to do anything I wouldn’t do myself.” That’s a terrible thing to say. If you’ve ever heard that quote, here’s some things to remember. I always remembered them. I’ve never said them. She was tougher than me, and I’m basically a coward. But who knows? They might work for you.

First, I’d like to point out that the world record Pole Vault is 6.26 meters or 20 feet 7 inches for my non-metric friends. This was accomplished by Armand Duplantis in August of 2024. By her logic, he could legitimately ask me to pole vault. He could do it, but I certainly couldn’t. This doesn’t make me bad. It makes me a wimp.

The supervisor was also a foot taller, and a former Marine. There are bunches of she could do that I couldn’t. Plus, she had two sons. Does this give her the right to ask me to have a baby? I don’t think so. But if you believe the stupid saying, yes, she had that right.

It’s only a buck (or more)

My point is simply that sayings are silly. Unfortunately, we use them all the time to get our way. A local burger place near me has their, “Dollar menu.” The thing is, everything on it costs way more than a dollar. Why doesn’t it go away? Why can’t they call it something else? Why do they but so much freaking ice in my drink that I have to ask for a refill after just two sips? Okay, the last one was a little off topic. Even so, I want to know the answer.

As for the first two questions I know the answer. ‘Dollar Menu’ sounds good. It’s clean, and people notice it. If I announce a “Two Dollar and Eighty-Six Cents Menu” nobody’s going to pay attention. Even though, that’s what their dollar menu really is. Marketing gurus with years of marketing college know all about this, even if it is a lie. Personally, I’d call it ‘The Cheap Crap Menu’. This is probably why I’m not in marketing. But I digress.

Literally

Another great work saying is, “Think outside the box.” I’m not sure how they figured this one. I’m never in a box. Logic therefore dictates that I do all my thinking outside of boxes. Frankly, they never gave me a box. If they did, I could work inside, and think outside. Not practical, but possible.

I mentioned this to an old manager of mine. He just weirdly stared at me for a minute, shook his woefully, and closed his office door. Apparently, that was what he wanted me to hear, because he didn’t bother me for a week after, and I got a lot of extra work done.

It’s all about the box

Of course, I was taking the saying literally, when it’s supposed to be imagery. What it means is don’t be confined in your thoughts, and to be creative. This is a good thing to say. A lot of bosses say it. Sadly, none of them mean it. Corporations hate creative thinking. They want you to do as you’re told and never ask questions.

I was once working on a project with a nitrous oxide system. It leaked like a sieve. The specifications said it couldn’t lose more than point one percent. After many hours of work I got it down to point three, but couldn’t get it any lower. I used ‘outside-the-box’ creative thinking. I altered the design a little bit, and managed to get it to the correct specification. Hurray for me! I informed the project manager thinking he’d give me kudos.  Boy, was he mad. Instead of praising me for thinking outside the box, he removed me from the project, wrote me up for insubordination, took away my toilet privileges, and tried to have me shot.

The truth hurts

Later I found out, they took out all my changes, and again couldn’t get it to spec. They realized creative thinking was necessary. Their solution, however, was a bit different from mine. Instead of replacing my design changes, they changed the specs. When the government inspectors showed up, the thing preformed just great.

Think outside the box? No! The saying they should use is, “Don’t build the machine to conform to spec. Build the spec to conform to the machine.” Somehow, I don’t think that should be how it’s done. Then again, I don’t qualify for management.

Amazingly average

A month ago, my boss hung this sign in his office; “Don’t be afraid to be amazing!” This is a quote by Andy Offutt Irwin. Who the heck is this guy? I actually looked him up and found out he’s a storyteller. This explains a lot because his quote is a feel fantasy.

Frankly, being amazing scares the crap out of me. In my career I’ve had several jobs. In all of them I tried to be the best. You know what it got me?? Nothing! I became so good at my job, management was afraid to promote me, because no one could do my stuff as good as me. Also, my supreme abilities never warranted getting a raise, as I was making what the job paid. Consequently, being amazing became a force holding me back. Hey Andy, being amazing sucks.

 Later, I learned to be good, but not too good. In corporations, everyone rises to their own level of incompetence. If you’re competent at your current job, and not a smidge more, management will see to it that you’re raised into a job you can’t handle. Following this strategy, you’ll move up the ladder until you’re completely unqualified. Yes, all your subordinates will call you an idiot, and resent everything you say. On the other hand, you’ll have a yacht, a trophy wife, and all the imported falafel you can eat, to ease your bruised ego. Remember, when it comes to success, the one with the most falafel wins.

Green eggs and workplace signs

In the same vein, (sort of), is the Dr. Seuss quote; “Only you can control your future.” Now, I’m a big fan of the doctor, but I have to question this saying. I’m only speaking from personal experience, but lots of things have controlled my future over the years. Frankly, my dog has more control on my future that I do.

Every morning, he wakes me up at 5am, and I know what my future holds; a thirty-minute walk, the exciting entertainment of watching him take a crap, and the joy of carrying a bag of poop all over the neighborhood. This will my existence until I no longer have a dog. I have no control of it. The good doctor is wrong.

Then again, when Baby-Bun Bun got sick, I had to travel twenty-five miles to find a doctor who specialized in rabbits. Also, Capn’ Blood’s daily bloodletting usually weakens me so that the future looks awfully dim. I’m not in charge of my future. The animals are. You know, maybe animals are responsible for all those odd sayings as well.

Hmmm! It bares thinking about.

I’ve Lost Control!!