Mysterys of the universe

There are many mysteries in this world of ours. Folks have been talking about the Loch Ness monster, Bigfoot, flying saucers, and the tiny creatures who steal single socks from the dryer for years. But there’s no solid proof. If fact, at this very moment, I have sixteen plastic bowls and twenty-four lids in my cupboard. None of them match. They all matched when they went in. What happened? I don’t know. It’s just another unsolvable mystery.

Now, I could discuss all these issues at length. But the only thing that would come out of it would be, I’d have a sore throat and you’d be bored to death. I don’t want either of those things to happen. Especially since, my house would be very quickly surrounded by angry relatives carrying copies of James Joyce’s Ulysses in an attempt to bore me to death as well. Revenge is a terrible thing.

Sitting and thinking… Well sitting

Consequently, today I have chosen a more solvable riddle, and one you may not have heard of. How big is a roll of toilet tissue? If this issue isn’t of dire concern to you, it should be. It boggles my mind every time I go to the market. Although, I will admit, my mind is easily boggled. Regardless, I want to know. You may ask why is this so bothersome? Frankly, you might ask any number of questions, and I’d be happy to discuss them. But that would just take us away from the point. Let’s stay focused, shall we.

So, why am I asking the size of a standard roll of toilet tissue? Simply because, you can’t buy a standard roll. Ohh, you can buy a Mega-roll, a Super-roll, or even a Wow-That’s-A-Freaking-Big-Roll-roll. But you can’t buy a standard roll. All of these big rolls brag they’re as big as four, six, or even two-hundred-fifty standard rolls. Big claims, but how do I know?

I don’t even know if a standard roll uses the English or Metric system. I mean one kilogram equals two pounds. What if two metric toilet paper rolls are the same as one English standard one. We here in America are getting the same amount but the package is misleading. Then again, there could be other standards, which we haven’t considered.

What if the cavemen didn’t have rolls because the wheel was invented after TP? The caveman standard would have been flat. Rolls automatically become bigger, just because they have a cardboard core. In this case, a regular roll would be five or six times thicker. Then again, caveman tissue probably contained more rocks and sand than the modern stuff does. So, you wouldn’t want to use as much. I mean ouch! Enough said about that.

Shopping is confusing

It’s these kinds of questions that really bug me when I’m shopping. Why are bananas fifty cents a pound and oregano five-bucks an once. I can grow oregano in a window box. All I have to do is wait. I can’t grow bananas. Also, they have to travel a lot further. You’d think the shipping costs alone would make them more expensive. But no!

Online shopping is worse. I do a lot of audio work. If you know anything about that, you know it requires a whole bunch of cables and connectors. In my neighborhood there used to be thirty places I could get these just by stopping in. Very convenient. If you’re on a gig and you forgot your adapter bag, no problem. Now, all those places are closed. If I forget something I have to log in, make the purchase online, then wait a week for delivery. Yes, I get what I want. On the other hand, the folks waiting to dance get pretty hostile by then.

  Another weird online glitch is how much you have to buy. Way back when, if I needed a cable I went to the place, put five bucks on the counter, and left. Nowadays, that same cable online costs almost twenty bucks. No, the cable doesn’t cost any more. In fact, it might even cost less. The problem is the five-dollar cable has a ten-dollar shipping cost. Where do they get off charging that much? It’s not that big, and weighs almost nothing. I can send it in the mail for a buck and a half. But shipping from that huge online store, which ships thousands of packages every day, costs six times as much.

All this to avoid shipping

Of course, you can avoid paying for shipping. All you have to do is buy thirty-five-dollars’ worth of goods. I don’t need thirty-five-dollars’ worth of goods. I need a stupid five-dollar cable. But I don’t want to pay twenty-bucks for nothing, so I run around the house, searching for items I might need someday, just to avoid shipping charges. Boy, I really showed them. Not!

Recently, I’ve taken to saving items I need until I get thirty-five-bucks worth. Then buy them all at once. Great Idea? Well, not so much. Last month, I made such an order. The cost was thirty-eight-dollars for four items. All items were in stock, and the order was supposed to be delivered in four days. Yea right!

I waited the allotted time and got no shipment. What I got was an email stating, “So sorry, your package is delayed. Please wait four more days.” I grumbled the required amount, and waited. What is the required amount, you ask? It’s that fine line where the amount of grumbling makes me feel better, but I haven’t done it enough to incur the wrath of my family. So now you know.

Forever isn’t long enough

After waiting now eight days, I decided it was time to track my package. I saw that it moved from facility to facility, and then it was delayed. What the heck did that mean? I got no answer to my query, but I did get another email stating, if I didn’t see the package in three more days I could ask for a refund. I didn’t want a refund! I wanted the stuff I ordered. It is for that reason I waited five days.

Finally, I called and spoke to a helpful, (yea right), customer service representative. She gave me the option of getting a refund, or reordering the items. I told her I wanted to reorder. Well, to make a long story even longer, I was informed I could only reorder three of the items. The other item I couldn’t get because the price had changed. They stopped my whole order because one item had gone down in price by a buck. Apparently, in the time I held it aside to get the required amount for free shipping the price changed. Who knew?

They had no clue what to do about this. Now, I’d already paid proving I’d accepted the price, but their computer couldn’t let it go knowing I’d overpaid. How very inconvenient of it. I was able to reorder the other three items with no shipping charge. But, sadly, not the fourth. When I tried, I had to pay ten dollars shipping on the now lower priced item.

I held on to it again. Someday, I may actually get it!

The Challenge May Be Worth it!!!