Let’s talk TV

I admit I don’t watch much, but television is nuts. Seventeen minutes of every hour of television is ads. Commercials are okay. Some of my best comedic material comes from the silly slogans and jingles. I have no problem with advertisements. BUT…

What I seriously don’t understand is” Why don’t they advertise anything you can actually use? Whatever happened to toothpaste, and cereal? When I was growing up, every show showed a grocery list of useful products. Then us kids would run to mom, and have her put them on the list. Mom would invariably say, “No” and we would go back to our cartoons. The system worked, even if it did give the lady gray hair.

Commercially speaking

Now the only thing you see are ads for medicine and lawyers. Ohh, there’s the occasional car ad. But seriously how often do you buy a car? Mine is sixteen years old. It’s not like those commercials are going to have much impact on me. I’m just saying.

The ones that get me are the medicine ads. They go on and on about how good they are and then say “Ask your doctor if it’s right for you. I’ve honestly had this conversation; “Hey doc, I saw a commercial about Quornada. Is it right for me?” and his response is usually, “Um, that’s only for pregnant ladies with brown hair and six toes on their left foot.” It wasn’t right for me but I did what they said, and asked.

That’s another thing, most of these drugs are really specific and only one person in a million is a candidate for it. “Vexmo is just right for you… If you have diarrhea on Wednesdays, live in the southern hemisphere, drink tomato juice laced with vodka and arsenic, and are either a Leo, Virgo, or Pisces. Ask your physician for a prescription today!!” Nobody actually qualifies, but the ads are so positive, everyone thinks about it. “Well, I do poop every Tuesday, I’m actually a Libra, but I’m on the cusp of Virgo. I could start with the juice, and my great aunt visited Australia once. I bet I qualify.” And he’s on the phone to the doctor.

The name is everything

Another thing about these drugs is they don’t sound like what they are. I mean fluoxetine-hydrochloride, sounds like a drug name. On the other hand, Prozac sounds like when my buddy Zach lost his amateur status. You get it, right. Professional… Amateur… Forget it!

One that’s big in the ads right now is a weight loss drug. It sounds like caveman speak. “Ug! You go vee? Uh, uh Wegovy.” They should’ve kept calling it Semaglutide. That sounds much cooler.

I don’t know who comes up with these names, but I’m betting it’s the same people who write fantasy novels. I mean think about to this; The great city of Brevesta, in the land of Lyrica, on the plain of Xaljenz, was being terrorized by a great beast called the Xanax. Prince Eliquis, the son of King Chantix of Humira region, heard about this and decided to do something. He asked his friend Cialis to join him. Cialis kissed his wife, Viagra, goodbye and the two embarked upon their quest. I guess Cialis being married to Viagra is pushing it. Even though it is on the up and up!

Supplimental education

Also, I have to mention the ‘almost’ drugs which are advertised at the same time. Now those are some snappy ads. “Try new Super Beta Epsilon Alpha Omega-16 Garlic Protein! Now with B Vitamins! It will make you more attractive, raise your IQ, be more active in the bedroom, and help you sleep.”

How can it do all that? Wouldn’t something that helps you sleep make you less active? Who wants to be active in the bedroom anyway. I’ve reached an age where the only bedroom activity is sleeping. Maybe when I was younger. Then again, when I was younger, I had no need for Super Beta whatever.

Consequently, all the almost’s, or supplements, are actually just telling me I’m old. I don’t want to be told I’m old. I’m completely happy believing the myth that I’m still twenty-one. Thank you very much.

Of course, the best part of those commercials comes at the end. Right after the announcer tells you you’ll live to be three-hundred, he lowers his voice and proceeds to mumble a disclaimer. I don’t know if you’ve ever actually understood one of these. They usually go something like this, “This product has not been approved by the FDA. There is no scientific evidence of actual progress.” In non-marketing speak this comes down to, “This product doesn’t do Jack. But we’re going to sell it to you anyway.” They make money, you get empty promises. It’s the American way!  

A bit about the law

Then, as I mentioned, there are ads for various law firms. Now there are lots of jokes about lawyers like; What do you call a bus full of lawyers, going over a cliff, with two empty seats? A missed opportunity! However, I don’t mind them. I truly believe comedians need lawyers. They, along with stupid people, make up sixty-five percent of all amateur stand-up comedy routines. Headliner’s materiel is much more varied, but lawyers are like training wheels to the entertainment industry.

Now I only watch about two-hours of TV a week. So, my opinion could be skewed. But as I see it, the only Law firms who advertise on television are the ones who want you to be sick. “Did you stub your toe? Is your teenage acne coming back? Did your dog break a nail? Has your water-buffalo gotten sluggish in the spring weather? Do you need to blame someone for your stupidity? We can help. And it won’t cost you a cent unless we get you cash.”

Look I know there’s a place for personal injury law. But It’s getting out of hand. Last night, I watched TV for two hours and I saw ads for six different law firms all telling me the same thing. They could get me more than anybody else. Not only is this a flat out lie, but if it were true, how would you choose? If they’re all getting the most, that means they’re all getting you the same. Why then do we need six firms in two hours? Wow, that statement made actual sense. This crap has got to stop.

A Phone-E conclusion

Anyway, back to my point, I recently learned something which may explain all this. When I was growing up, the purpose of commercials was to make you buy stuff. That’s not the purpose today. For some unknown marketing reason, advertisers don’t care if you buy stuff. They just want you to see their ads. That’s what’s important. Some AI software has told them that If enough folks see their ads, the company, whatever it may be, will make money. I think computers are messing with us.

I mean, this doesn’t make sense. Nobody watches ads on TV!! When the ad comes on, they pick up their phone, go to the bathroom or both. Then again, maybe they put stupid ads on television, so folks start looking at the ads on their phone.

It’s Worth Investigating!!!