To be a kid again

You’ve probably noticed, I’m really a kid at heart. If you haven’t, well you just better, or I’m gonna tell my daddy. Uh! Sorry, I was gone. I’m back now. Either way it’s really true. I still like to jump in puddles. However, unlike years ago, now-a-days I hate having wet socks. I also can’t give those soggy socks to my mom for washing. When I try to pass them off to my wife, she looks at me with a frown, and tells me to wash them myself. “Your arms aren’t broken,” she chides. I guess you gotta take the good with the bad.

Another thing I like to do, is go on amusement park rides. Especially the ones that spin you around until you puke up all the food you ate over the last month. I remember one called the cauldrons. That one got me so dizzy I was barfing food that I only thought about eating. Wow! Good times!

Of course, roller coasters were always the best. When I was a kid, they were made of wood, and shook so much you just knew it was going to fall apart in the next three seconds. The seatbelt which was supposed to keep you seated, was never tight enough. We slid around the seats, like they were made of ice. Also, we never held on to the safety bar. It’s a wonder, any of us survived to adulthood.

Can I have a hot dog?

I also loved amusement park food. Boy, am I getting nostalgic, or maybe I’m going crazy. Ha, ha, funny joke I’ve always been crazy. Either way, this has nothing to do with my point, so let’s talk about the food. To say it was unhealthy was an understatement, but no one cared. It was delicious. We had fried potatoes, fried dough, fried pickles, and fried ice cream. Heck, I once saw deep fried butter, just in case killing yourself slowly was off the table, and you wanted to pick up the pace. Also, lemonade was really big. The thing is, no lemons were harmed in the making of this beverage. Who knew what it really was, but we never asked questions.

If you wanted a sandwich, you had your choice; Chicken, which was probably correctly named, Hamburgers, which might have been meat, but of unknown origin, and hot dogs, which contained less meat than the plastic cup your almost lemonade came in. That was the entire menu. The park had six-hundred places to eat, and they all had the same stuff. That was then, this is now. I still love the parks, and the rides. Sadly, though the food has changed considerably.

 First of all, these places are no longer called amusement parks. Now, they’re theme parks. I guess we’re no longer supposed to be amused while there, we’re supposed to write a theme. This is a bad thing. Yes, I’m a kid at heart, but I hated writing themes back when I really was a kid. As an adult, I’m just not doing it and they can’t make me. If they persist, I’ll tell my daddy. I’m not sure what he’ll do about it, but I’ll tell him.

They don’t make them like that anymore

Seriously, the only thing I’m seeing from the recent change is, the coaster seat belts have been replaced with safety bars which trap you in so hard you can barely feel the speed of the ride. Also, the names have changed from Dangerous, Runaway Mine Train, to Sunshine Falls Speed Track. I want danger and darkness, not a trip to unicorn-land. Bring back the old names!

Another thing theme parks have done is mess around with the food. I’m not sure why? Limited menu items are good. They make it easy to identify what you ate when it comes back, on the Super-Spin. I went to one last year which had a medieval theme. The corner stand was serving turkey legs and Scotch eggs. Sure, I tried these edibles, but much to my chagrin, Scotch eggs don’t have a drop of scotch in them. What a disappointment.

I prefer the unhealthy

Another thing is, all the normally fried foods were replaced by waffles. Now, I like waffles as much as the next guy, but when you’ve got your heart set on greasy, salty fries or chips, a potato waffle dipped in ranch ketchup, just doesn’t cut it. Then there’s the fact, you can’t just stop at a stand and get these weird waffles. Ohh No! you have to pre-order them. I don’t get it. You make a waffle by pouring batter on an iron. You have to boil a hot-dog for six weeks and I’ve never had to pre order those.

My wife and I are planning a trip to a resort, which encompasses four of these theme parks. Our travel agent tells us we have to reserve our dining choices sixty days in advance, or we may not get the food we want. I told her all I wanted was a mystery-meat hamburger. She informed me, these no longer existed, but I could get a soy burger, with artificial bacon, covered in organic Bar-B-Q sauce. I declined. However, I must admit, why anyone would make such a concoction is a mystery to me.

Three strikes

After doing some research I learned there are different tiers of eateries. First, there are snack stands. These serve sodas, popcorn, and a special treat specific to that stand. If you feel like a pineapple-upside-down cake with ice cream on top, (yes, they have this), you not only have to be in the right place, you have to be in the right park. You can’t get this anyplace else. I guess Stephen Stills was right in his song; “And if you can’t eat on the snack, you love honey, Eat the snack you’re with!”

Second there are fast food places. Of course, the park doesn’t call them this. They’re called Quick Service Restaurants. Boy that name really makes me feel better. Not! I admit the service is quick, but you still can’t get a lousy chicken sandwich. If you’re at the right one, you can get a cordon bleu sandwich with taco chips. But I wanted the lousy sandwich. It costs less, and I understand what’s in it. This all matters very little if you’re not at the right place. You may be stuck with the bacon avocado croissant, because the meal you want is five miles away.

Lastly, there are two tiers of table service restaurants. There’s the buffet places and the signature establishments. The thing I want to know is how they call a buffet place ‘table service’. Yes, the server comes to your table to take your drink order. But then they point you to the chow line, and that’s the last you see of them. You can’t even ask where the hot-dogs are?

And you’re out

Frankly I prefer the signature places. They are pricier, but it’s the only place I understand the menu. They have steaks and pasta dishes, along with soups and cakes. No, it’s not amusement-park fare, but at least I know what I’m eating.

Of course, in the old days I didn’t know what I was eating half the time either.

But I Was Happier About It!!!