No so quotable quotes

“Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘We’re out of Toilet Tissue!!!’”

No, this isn’t the famous quote by John Greenleaf Whittier, but it should be. I mean his, “It might have been,” shows regret, and melancholy. But it’s not the saddest thing ever. As far as I’m concerned, being out of beer is sadder than the whole, “it might have been” thing. And neither of those even come close to the toilet tissue issue.

What about, “My horse came in last, and I owe my bookie ten-thousand-bucks.” Folks go running for their lives when those words are said. That’s pretty sad, in my book. All “it might have been” gets is a mopey guy sitting in the dark with a glass of bourbon. Actually, I like bourbon. If this happens, “It might have been” could even turn out to be happy words. Hey John, what were you thinking?    

Sad Words

I realize I’ve mentioned both beer and bourbon already. But being away from alcoholic beverages aren’t the only sad things. Being out of ice-cream and chocolate, is very big for some folks. I’m sure my friend Herb, from The Haps with Herb blog, would think being out of coffee might be the saddest thing ever. I haven’t asked him specifically, but I know he loves coffee. You should check him out.

As a parent, you might think, “My daughter’s marrying a faith healer in Bhutan who takes chickens and colorful rocks as payment,” might be the saddest words ever. Parents are always finding their children’s choices regretful. For myself, I find the cat, that bleeds me every so often, which my son brought home without my permission, very regretful. However, I hesitate to mention these as the saddest words, because the rest of my family loves Capn’ Blood. Either way I think I made my point.

Positive spin

Then again, I’m not the type of person who dwells on the negative. In response to good old John Greenleaf Whittier, I propose this Mr. Ohh! quote: “Of all glad words of tongue and book, the gladdest are these, ‘I’m pleased that never took’” Think about it for a second. It makes much more sense. I even have examples.

When I was in high school, I actually dated the daughter of the richest man in town for a few months. Now, all you, “It might have been” people are probably saying, “Just think Mr. Ohh!, you could be a bazillionaire right now.” This is true. But I’d also be stuck with Deanna, and her collection of weird scary dolls.

What is it about rich girls collecting these creepy porcelain figures? They’re really, really expensive, and, you can’t do anything with them. Folks just place them on a shelf, and the dolls stare down at you, silently judging your every move. It’s no wonder the things are a favorite topic for horror writers. They freak me out, even without the demonic backstory. But I digress.

 If I’d have connected with Deanna, I’d also be stuck with the strange Kentucky bluegrass and dragon-fruit diet she always wanted me to try, her love for that silly yapping rat she called a dog, and worse, I’d be stuck with her father as part of my family. He didn’t believe in ghosts, flying saucers, senses of humor, or even having a personality. The plusses definitely outweigh the minuses. I always cheer my current life when I think about, “What might have been.”

Too Bad For Them

That’s just one of the positives. There are a lot more. Years ago, I fell down a ravine while skiing and broke my leg. Sure, I might have been stuck down there, which would have been bad. So, I refuse the think about it. As it happened, I ended up sitting in the lodge, drinking mulled wine, for two days. I also met and talked with a fashion model who was doing a photo shoot. I had lunch with her and she signed my cast. My buddies missed all this because they were all shooshing down mountains looking for snow bunnies. They’re probably thinking, “what might have been?” But as for me, I might have been with them, out in the cold. Frankly, I’m a lot happier things went the way they did.

My life is full of strange things like this. I had dinner once with the wife of the secretary of the Australian ambassador to the United States. It taught me a very strange thing about international politics. You see she was in the US when she received her diplomatic passport. The thing is it didn’t take effect because she was already in the country. She was forced to leave, go to Canada, then re-enter the US under the new passport to be in the country legally.

I met her in Montreal, because we were the only two people in the restaurant who spoke English. What was, was so much better than what might have been. I would have had to have dinner alone, in a country where I couldn’t distinguish any stupid people, because I didn’t speak the language. Admittedly her Australian brogue was hard to understand, but it was certainly better than French.

Boy would that be a mistake

Another thing; When I was in high school, the counselors all told me I should be a math teacher. Can you imagine that? Math is precise, and I’m an idiot. Imagine some student, struggling with algebra, asking me a question. “Mr. Ohh!, is the answer 2X squared minus 6?” I’d probably answer, “Yes, but only on Wednesdays.”

All this would probably happen on a Thursday, and the kid would get so confused. They’d likely join a monastery to seek the answers. I could single handedly be responsible for an entire generation, abandoning engineering for the arts. “What might have been” would’ve been terrible.

Flower child

On the other hand, I once had visions of being an orchid breeder. If you’re good at that you can make a ton of cash. If you’re not, then you’re me. I’m just not the type of person who can force flowers to have sex. They should be allowed to pursue a healthy family relationship, with children and grandchildren. Remember, some of those flowers might not want to breed right away. If they went to college; a solid career might be the better choice for them.

Hey, after all this positivity, I don’t want a bunch of flowers crying to me, “It might have been.” Therefore, I kept this as a hobby. I grow orchids, but don’t breed them. Of course, when I say “grow” I essentially mean; I buy very expensive plants, encourage them to bloom for about a year, then watch them die. It’s gotten so bad that when one actually blooms, I wonder what I did wrong.

In conclusion

In conclusion, I just don’t understand old Johnny’s quote. Although, he might have been the guy who invented, Self-Service checkouts. Those are supposed to make things faster. The idea is sound, until you get behind the lady with three-hundred items, and doesn’t know what a bar-code is. That’s happened to me last night. I patiently waited for her, jealously looking over at the regular lines, and thinking…

It Might Have Been!!