Researching Research

I’ve done extensive research on this, and I can state categorically that I hate doing research!!! What I know, I learn from observing stuff. For example; I know you should never take food away from a rabbit. This might sound a bit strange, but if you value your fingers, never ever do this.

In an effort to sound more scientific, I’ll tell you about my completely reliable two-and-a-half-hours of intense research. For those of you who use the metric system the time translates to approximately two-and-a-half-hours. I like to be clear when I’m being scientific.

Dogs Cats and Rabbits

Here is my data; When I took a bit of food away from the Wonder-Dog, he looked up at me as if he’d lost his best friend. He trudged silently over to the counter, grabbed the largest knife I own, and dropped it at my feet. Next, he rolled over, showed me his belly, and begged forgiveness for whatever he’d done wrong. If I couldn’t forgive him, he whined, then I should stab him now, because he is unworthy of living in my house. What a drama queen! Sure, dogs are basically three-year-old children with abandonment issues, but this performance was ridiculous.

Capn’ Blood’s reaction was completely the opposite. When I took the treat away from her, she just paused for a second. Taking a moment to wash, she looked up at me with an evil look. She mewed in a tone that surely meant, “Haven’t you bled enough this week? Remember, I know when you sleep.” I gave the food back. Actually, I doubled it, just in case. She nibbled it and purred a quick, “That’s better. Don’t make me tell you again.”

Baby-Bun-Bun was a different story. I tried to get the treat away from her and promptly lost my index finger up to the first knuckle. She bled me as if she were a cat. So much for the myth that rabbits are cute, fuzzy, docile creatures. When you don’t bother them, they’re okay. But interrupt when they’re eating and they turn into Monty Python’s Beast of Caerbannog.

It’s the bad puff

You may ask why I did this bit of stupid research. Frankly, I don’t blame you. I’m asking the same thing. However, all this rose from an emergency. You see, someone in my house dropped a cheese puff. The rabbit found it and started to munch. For rabbits, salty snacks are a great big honking “No No!!” They can cause serious health problems. Consequently, when I saw the bunny chomping the puff, I jumped into action, and tried to take it away.

At this time, I’d like to state categorically those folks are right. The health problems will come. I had to get five stitches when I tried to take it away. But don’t worry, the rabbit is fine.

I guess this isn’t research in the truest sense of the word. On the other hand, I did learn a lot. True research happens when folks with useless college degrees ask questions which have no bearing on anything. For instance, the last time I was in the hospital I watched a documentary about cuttlefish. Now, I was completely happy to just watch the beautiful undersea panoramas, and various odd fish swimming by. Sadly, there is always a narrator in these things to ruin it.

Let’s document that

The narrator told me all kinds of fun facts. It was interesting up to a point, but it made me wonder. Who has that kind of time? Somebody took hundreds of hours of cuttlefish videos, edited them down to a one-hour documentary, paid some famous actor to narrate, then released it on a public television station to ensure no one would actually see it. Unless, of course, that watcher is stuck in a hospital bed, unable to move and taking lots of pain killers. This however is the exception and not the rule.

The worst part was when the thing shifted to their mating habits. What do I care about that? Either way the video got very explicit. In my drugged state I had to check the station listings to see if I accidentally switched to some vague cuttlefish porn channel. Nope, I was still watching the animal network. But I’ll tell you this, the Puritans would have been very upset.

Fish stuff

There is one species which mates, then the male pushes the female into a crevice, and guards her. Other males try to get to her, but the first one fights them off, or not. If a second male gets through, he mates with the female, and then becomes her protector. This crap goes on all night. It’s like the 1980’s singles bars I’ve heard about. Except the fish do this without the benefit of alcohol. What’s their excuse?

You’d think that would be enough, but no. Some of the wimpier males start to act like females, and slip past the dominant ones. They sneak over to the female then they too mate with her. You have to wonder what the female thinks about this. “Hey girl can we be besties? Those brutes are really putting a damper on my good time. Wait! You’re really a guy, just wearing that dress to get to past them and meet me? Well, that’s kind of romantically kinky. Let’s go!”

With everyone mating with this one female all night long, you have to wonder who’s the candidate for the paternity suit. Unfortunately, it’s much more complicated than that. You see, the males don’t fertilize the female’s eggs. They just deposit a sac into the female and hope for the best. Hence the battle to stop all the other males.

Real girl power

The female has the ability to pick which sac will win, and all the others are rejected. How the hell do scientists know this?? How much cuttlefish porn do you have to watch to figure this out? “Dr. Chauncy, we observed the female smoking a cigarette, then heading to the bathroom. Of course, we didn’t watch her in the bathroom. That would be rude. But she was humming the name of one of the geek-fish when she came out.”

Either way, you might ask, “How does she select which suiter is good enough for her eggs?” I’m betting she hooks up with all her friends at some coffee house and they compare notes on tentacle length. Cuttlefish have ten of them. Then again, she might text her mother with each male’s resume’ to see who’d produce the best grand-fish. Don’t ask me, I was on drugs at the time.

I do remember the announcer saying, they usually pick the sac of the male who snuck through the line in a dress. Again, how do they know? I’ve never heard of a cuttlefish showing up on Oprah. “True, the big guy had muscles, but Herbie was so smart getting past him, and very sensitive to woman’s issues. So, I picked him”

My point. Yes I really have one

My point is; Somebody researched all this crap, and now I know all about it. Did I want to know about cuttlefish mating habits? No, I didn’t!! Sadly, though I do, and now I told all of you.

Ha Ha Ha! You have to suffer along with me!!