Truth

The story you’re about to read is true. The names haven’t been changed because I never knew them in the first place. So how could I have changed them. By sheer luck they may be right. Who knows? But, none of this is important. What’s important is that you’re here for a bit of entertainment and I’m blowing it. Sound about, right? Well, I’ll correct that right now. Please don’t run away.

This opening is a parody of the introduction of the radio and television series, Dragnet. The producers were quick to sate categorically; “The names have been changed to protect the innocent.” I’m not sure why. I’ve seen and heard hundreds of episodes. They never mentioned anyone who was innocent. They solved the crime and locked up guilty people. In fact, as if to further prove guilt, they even told us what sentence they received.

But not justice

Thing is, I never thought they received a proper sentence. The show threw the folks in jail and never made them talk at all. I always thought a better sentence would have been; “Success to Thelonius Sissle the unsuccessful, un-sifted thistle sifter.” Try saying that five times fast. Of course, this would only be for major crimes, like murder. Simple theft would only get you a sentence like; “Betty Botta bought some butter, but she said, ‘This butter’s bitter, it will make my batter bitter!” Then again, a three-time loser might get; A tweetle beetle noodle poodle bottled paddled muddled duddled fuddled wuddled battle, A very tough sentence in deed, but I digress.

My point is, in these shows, nobody’s innocent. If they were, it would be a terrible program. Imagine, watching an hour-long investigation, only to have the protagonist scream, “They’re all innocent. Roll the credits. Hopefully next week we’ll have an easier case.” That one’s not running ten seasons.

Then again, police dramas don’t rely on plot anymore. They more often depend on half-naked hard bodies finding themselves in stranger and stranger sexual situations. They feel if they can solve the case in four episodes that’s okay. Just keep your focus on the eye candy. But I think I’ve gotten off topic again.

The story

Where I’m going with all this, (and it’s not Nairobi, Kenya), is that this story is true. I may have embellished a bit in the past but these events actually happened. I figured I had to say this, because they won’t sound true. I was there and I don’t believe them. Either way, here we go;

Last summer I was coming home from a far away craft show and decided I was hungry. No surprise, I get hungry every day. But that’s not important right now. If you were hoping for my mother’s secret recipe for Schnitzel-Banken, I’m sorry. She won’t even give it to me. Heck, she charged my sister two-hundred-fifty dollars for it. But if you really want it go talk to her. In the meantime, please hang around. I’ve got a story to

It’ll only take a minute…

So, I was hungry and saw a road sign for a Chinese take out place. I thought to myself Dumplings? Yes! So, I pulled off the freeway and went in. After parking, I wouldn’t want you to think I just crashed through the front window. Although it did cross my mind. I guess I was hungrier than I thought.

As I walked in, I saw a kiosk for ordering away from the front counter. I was planning to pay cash and consequently walked to the counter. A colorful sign said all orders MUST be done on the kiosk. I didn’t think that was right, but I’m a solid citizen. I follow directions every time… Well, when it’s absolutely convenient.

Or an hour…

I went to the kiosk and looked for the dumplings I wanted. Sadly, it only gave me three options; Appetizer, Dinner, and Snack. They were going to be my dinner, so that’s what I selected. You should’ve seen the number of options I had. It had lists of beef, pork, chicken, seafood and vegetarian. There might have been selections for rat, and tiger for all I know. I mean there was a lot of them. However, I did not see dumplings, so I pressed the ‘Back’ arrow about six hundred times, and tried again.

Now the last time I ate Asian, the dumplings came as an appetizer. I chastised myself vigorously for not remembering this, and selected option two. No dumplings were to be found there either. I was getting frustrated. I almost gave up my quest in favor of spare ribs, or crab Rangoon. But no! I shouted. I want dumplings. The other patrons looked quizzically at me, so I shied back into my shell and selected option three, Snacks.

The snack option looked surprisingly identical to the appetizers. I ran down the list and found a few things that were different. But not enough that I should have been given the third option. The programmer of this thing should be flogged with a wet noodle for making me search twice. As I had neither programmer nor noodle with me, I decided to stew angrily for a few moments, then continue my order. I selected two orders of dumplings and a coke. Then went to the payment screen.

The screens started getting crazy. It literally asked me three times if I was truly done. It gave suggestions each time just to be sure. Finally, it came to the last screen and asked for money. It had options for card, PayPal, and Cash app, but no way to pay cash. I looked for a couple of minutes to make sure. Eventually I went to the counter and shouted, “Is anybody home?”

Or perhaps forever!

A nice lady responded and told me that if I wanted to pay cash I needed to order at the counter. I knew that from the beginning, but their sign told me not to. She apologized and called for Ming to take my order. Ming was what I call thirty-three, meaning three feet tall and three-hundred years old. Also, she barely spoke English.

 I have no problem with people speaking their native tongue as long as they can function in society. However, when you’re in the American Midwest, you shouldn’t give the responsibility of order taking to the person who doesn’t speak the language. I’m just saying.

Just another bot

Happily, I managed to order my dumplings. This is when I finally understood Ming was actually an AI programed robot. As soon as my order was entered in the computer, she smiled broadly and asked, “You want eggroll? I said no, foolishly thinking that was enough. But she asked again… and again… and Again!

I finally had to say yes, just to get her programing out of the loop it was stuck in. Sadly, this just sent her into the, “You want hot mustard?” loop. Intelligently, I agreed immediately, and was able to pay for my order. I only had a few more minutes of all this and I’d be out the door.

My order came up and as I looked in the bag, I saw chicken lettuce wraps. Did I complain? Heck no…

I wasn’t facing the Ming-Bot again!!