Stop the maddness

This madness has gone on long enough! It’s got to stop, and Mr. Ohh! is just the man warped enough to stop it.

This week I got my annual green milkshake in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know how you celebrate, and frankly I don’t really care. You do whatever comes naturally to you. What I want to do is stop the green monster! The green machine! The green whatever it is! Perhaps I should explain.

First of all, as far as nationalities go, I am very happy to be a mutt. So, when I say I’m part Irish, it’s true. Of course, I’m also part German, Polish, Mexican, Spanish, English, Fey Changeling, Dragon, and East Texan. If you’ve ever been to the USA, you’ll know what I mean. I’ve actually had a psychic tell me I was part alien. Of course that could’ve been the East Texas coming through as well. Even if she’s correct, that just proves how much of a mutt I am.

Feeling a little green

As a being of the world, or many worlds as the case may be, I know something about customs. And where I live, St. Patrick’s Day means green. They dye the river green. Which is funny, because the river’s pretty green normally. But, that doesn’t matter, they still dump green dye into the river every St. Pat’s.

I’ve drunk green whiskey and beer, and eaten green eggs and ham, and my name isn’t even Sam-I-Am. Why do I suddenly feel like writing a long rhyming poem? Hmm? Either way, what I want to say is green beer tastes like beer, and green eggs and ham taste like eggs and ham. It doesn’t matter if they’re in a house, with a mouse, with a fox, in a box, or even here of there. They taste the same anywhere.

It doesn’t matter where you go on March 17^th it’s green. But here’s the rub; I want to know why. St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland. Those were black and various shades of brown. He explained the trinity using a shamrock. Those are a deep green laced with purple. Nowhere in the story of this saint is he associated with anything bright neon green! It’s just not there. But his day is all about it.

Woe That’s minty

Here’s the thing, the milkshake I got was very green and also very spearmint. Spearmint is not native to Ireland! The only Irish mint is Water Mint which has reddish stalks and lavender colored flowers. Another Not Green!

In case you hadn’t noticed we just got through the Christmas season. Mint is the flavor of that holiday. Why must we be subjected to it all over again on this one? Personally, I think the mint growers of the world are staging a coup.

They already advertise mint-julip as a refreshing drink in the hot summers of the southern US. Mint toothpaste and gum are all over the place selling us on fresher breath. What good is that? People aren’t supposed to smell like mint, they’re supposed to smell like, oh I don’t know, maybe people. I’ll tell you this, If I see a kid this summer selling mint-ade from a homemade stand. I’ll know the takeover is complete.

Then again, I don’t know why I’m surprised at all this. The mint people have been running a smear campaign against vanilla for years. Think about it; If something is boring, or colorless it’s said to be vanilla.

Questionable flavors

Nothing could be further from the truth. Vanilla is not colorless. It’s actually a dark honey-brown color. It’s really quite pretty.

In point of fact, vanilla is a rare tropical orchid, first cultivated by the Native Mexicans in the 14^th century. They called it, “The gift of the gods.” Does this sound bland and colorless to you?

Now, of course, it’s all over the world, but it wasn’t all that long ago everyone had to settle for mint ice cream every time. T hose scheming mint people want us to think this is good enough.

I was at a coffee house the other day and they were offering flavored gourmet hot chocolate. They had three kinds of mint, orange, chili pepper, and even something called ‘Dragon’. I not sure if this was flavored with actual dragon or not, but it was there. My point is they didn’t have vanilla flavored. I asked about this. The lady said most of them have vanilla in the recipe. Thing is they never mentioned it. Those devious mint growers are trying to silence the masses!

What I’m thinking is, those evil minties have an inferiority complex. Sure, it’s cultivated, but you can find most mints growing as weeds in the woods and along the highways. Where as vanilla is a large, yellowish white, sweet-smelling orchid that many beautiful women have worn to adorn themselves.

Flower power

No woman in the history of mankind has ever placed a small fuzzy mint flower in their hair to symbolize beauty and fertility. I’ll admit some grubby kid might have picked mom a bouquet of mint flowers while tromping through the mud and weeds. Yes, mom loved it, but she threw it away as soon as possible, and made the kid wash the stink off his hands.

That’s another thing. Both plants have white flowers. But when you think of mint, you imagine crisp bright-green leaves, which are nice I’ll admit. On the other hand, when you think of vanilla, you conjure up visions of a long, curly, brown, dried-up bean. And as any child will tell you, “Beans are yucky. They should be avoided at all costs.” Even our sensibilities are being bombarded with negativity.

The way I see it is mint verses vanilla is the quintessential war between the two hemispheres. Peppermint is native to Europe and the Middle east, and spearmint is from Asia. Vanilla, and cacao for that matter, were first discovered in central and south America. Obviously, the old world is jealous that the new world got all the better flavors.

Now that’s cold!

And, why wouldn’t they be? They’ve been going for thousands of years thinking they’ve raised ice cream to the heights of flavor. Then a mere six-hundred years ago they find out their confections are bland in comparison. In fact, even strawberries come from the Americas. It must have been a terrible blow to dairy farmers all over Europe and Asia, when these flavors started showing up. Yes, they still have a lock on cheese. But frankly what would you rather have, two scoops of ice cream or limburger? This ice-cream debate between east and west was later named, The Real Cold War.

Look, I’m not saying mint isn’t valuable as a flavor. I drank my green milkshake happily. I just want to tell the world, those minties are pulling the plant-based wool over everyone’s eyes. Vanilla should not be swept under the rug. This very day, bakers are using gallons of vanilla, but they name their creations for the other flavors. Every cupcake, pound cake, and even every loaf of apple bread, has three tablespoons of vanilla in it. But it’s never mentioned in the name.

Are We Going To Stand For This???