Hi all. I wish you a very happy holiday, no matter what holiday, or holidays, you might celebrate. I want to wish all who read this a short moment of peace in this hectic season. Grab yourself a warm beverage, coffee, tea, chocolate, or alcoholic. It doesn’t matter. Throw a comforter, or quilt around yourself and the one you love. (Girlfriend, Boyfriend, dog, cat, or iguana, they’re all good) Sit in your most comfy chair, wearing poofy, fuzzy slippers. Maybe even light a fire, or put that fireplace DVD in the machine. Just get as warm and comfortable as you can. Take a deep breath through your nose. Let it out through your mouth slowly. Just relax. Now are we all snug and cozy? Hey you, in the back, stop thinking about what this season is costing you! This is a moment to slow down, and have one happy moment before you think about the great big mess you left in the other room.
You know the one I’m talking about. The pile of wrapping paper which will likely fill two garbage bags, overflow the trash can, and require you to pay the garbage men to stop by for an extra pick up. Now, think about this, you did this to yourself. You didn’t have to. You’re the one who paid extra cash for colorful wrapping paper, bags and tissue to make all those gifts look so good. You also fretted that might get torn or splashed as you walked the driveway coming or going to the various parties and events. You cared enough to make sure they all were beautiful. Then came the moment of truth. You passed that beautiful, colorful gift, which you slaved over making the perfect bow, to its recipient.
If your family and friends are anything like mine, they said something like, “Oh my it looks so pretty.” Then they ripped the paper to shreds. Yes, shreds, I’m talking total annihilation here. The devastation probably looked like Puerto Rico after Irma, Jose, and Maria hit. Yes, it’s true, and I feel your pain. You spent more on wrapping than you did for the gift, especially if was for your crazy second cousin who you only see once a year unless they’re in jail.
You spent time unknown getting the pattern, folds, and tape just right and they tore it to smithereens. And what are you going to do about it? Nothing. You did all that unappreciated work, family and friends destroyed it, and are doing nothing about it. “Well what can be done?” You may ask.
Lots of things I may answer. In point of fact, I have been anxiously, yet patiently, waiting for someone at sometime to ask me that extremely important question for a very long time. No one ever did, and it’s actually been quite a burden to have all this genius-like knowledge, in my brain, and nobody to share it with. I mean think about it this way. If Einstein had kept all his theories to himself, what shape would the world be in? No moon landing, no nuclear energy, no gravitational waves, none of those wonderful blintzes his mother used to make. All of it gone, just because he had kept his genius to himself. Happily, for the world he didn’t, he shoved his work in to the public eye and we made tremendous advances. Actually, I don’t have any proof of his mother’s recipe for blintzes, or if they were in fact any good. But how can someone change the entire learning of Physics, and not have eaten tons of high quality blintzes. But I think I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
The simple fact is I ate my blintzes when I was younger. Therefore, like Einstein, I am a genius. I can solve the holiday gift-wrapping dilemma. Years of painstaking research has proven that research is boring, so I didn’t do any of it. Instead, I looked at people, good-looking people mostly. I don’t feel it would have benefited me much to look at the ugly ones. My conclusions are simple. Wrapping presents is dumb.
I will pause a moment for the gasp of disbelief which many of you are now making. Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm. Now I will pause another second for all of you to realize the brilliance of my statement. Laaa, Laaa, Laaa. Now will take questions. However, since I am writing all this, and you are not here I have anticipated your questions and will now answer them. This is how true genius works.
Right now, most of you are asking, “What about the surprise?” I agree, if there is no wrapping paper, there is no surprise. The solution is easy. Every one of those gifts left the store in a bag, of if shipped, in a box. Ta-daa tape down the handles of the bag, and the gift is instantly wrapped. No muss no fuss. The boxes are even easier, just put the sealed cartons under the tree.
Now you’re saying, “What a great idea, but if I did that my gifts would look crappy and the others nice.” I have two answers to such questions. First, cast yourself as a trend-setter. Others will copy your actions, and in a few years, everybody will be doing it. Don’t believe me? Bell-bottoms, Boy Bands, and Candy Crush Saga, all caught on the same way. Or you can take the easy way out. Condescendingly inform everyone those boxes and store bags would have been recycled anyway. You alone are saving the planet by not contributing to the pollution problem. No one can argue with Saving the Planet, unless you live in a family of deniers. In which case, go back to the first suggestion.
Your next question is, “What about color? I want to know which presents I brought and be excited about them being given out.” Another easy answer can be found in the daily newspaper, and it’s a great one for recyclers. Yes Virginia, they still print those things. Remember also, they are printed in color. All you need to do is get off line long enough to go purchase one. I suggest you wrap larger packages in the ads, medium in the news and sports sections, and smaller in the opinions. For a few special gifts there is always the funnies.
Think of the joy on the big day. Imagine the great big smile on Jimmy’s face as he opens his new baseball uniform while tearing through the basketball scores. Mom will love getting her slippers wrapped in a lovely picture of meat, from a local grocery. For weird uncle Harold, I’m sure there’s an opinion page he’ll like. Think of the fun you’ll be having, matching each present with the perfect person getting just the right part of the paper. I’m actually shedding a little tear just thinking about it.
Well my work here is done. I have solved another problem, and feel better for it. Hey I just had another phenomenal idea about the wrapping crisis. Most gift cards come in beautiful, colorful envelopes.