Well it’s 2019. If your reading this, congratulate yourself because you made it. Then again, I probably could have just said, Congratulations. Because if you aren’t reading this you would never know if I said it or not. Also, if you didn’t make it you could be reading this on some astral plane but unable to understand why I am offering congrats in the first place. In point of fact, looking universally, there are millions of options of why you may or not be reading or deserve kudos. It boggles the mind.
Of course, whenever someone mentions millions of options, my mind goes immediately to the one thing that can be so different in so many ways. Pizza. Yes, this pseudo Italian delight is truly the great enigma. There is a different pizza option for every person on the planet. Yet with all those variations, most of us never waiver in our pizza choices. And those choices are strongly defended from any who might deviate from our norm.
The two greatest camps of pizza warriors are the plain cheese vs pepperoni only armies. If you have more than three people coming to your home you must order both or there will be a war. Pepperoni People will not give a passing glance to any pie which is not covered in the beautiful thin-sliced, cured hard salami relative. But make no mistake. To pizza people pepperoni is not sausage. Sausage is for breakfast, not for a delectable taste treat. Of course, the plain camp is just the same. If you’re a making a pie and whisper “toppings” in the next room, they will be able to taste it on their pie, and it will be rejected.
Don’t believe me? Well there is evidence that the Pilgrims actually left England for the New World because of incorrect pizza. Which way they preferred has been lost to history. Because frankly, the Native Americans didn’t have any oregano for the sauce. Both Domino’s and Pizza Hut refused to move into an area without the spice. Imagine the surprise of William Brewster and John Winthrop. They traveled across the ocean for the freedom to eat the pie of their choice, only to find out the locals preferred Mexican. It’s no wonder there was dissention in the colonies.
The most serious pizza problem is sometimes you never know. Say you’re having a friend over. You call and ask what kind of pie they like. The inevitable answer will be, “Just get something. I like anything.” That’s a lie. Because if you order what you like, your friend will spend the entire evening removing the toppings and explaining their allergies.
You may be asking yourself, “Why is Mr. Ohh! bringing this all up?” Truly you may be asking yourself any number of things. But the one that I mentioned is the one which moves this discussion forward. So, let’s stick with this one. Okay? Okay. I am bringing this up because there is an injustice in the world and no one seems to care. I watched the news all last year and there were bunches of protests. Yet not one even came close to rise up against the greatest inequity of all. At this very moment, it is happening in homes and businesses across the globe and yet nobody seems to care. I’m referring, of course, to stingy pizza toppings.
Along with millions of others, I order a similar pizza every time. I order it from the very same place as well. Yet, the end product is always a mystery. Will there be two pepperoni or thirty-six? Will the sausage be in a few large hunks or tiny grains spread all over? Will there be mushrooms all over or in just sporadic locations? The questions are endless. He worst part is when you open the box, you see there is one piece which is simply better than the rest. Do you take it, or generously leave it for your significant other? A simple snack should be so complicated.
I have studied the constitution and bill of rights of these United States, and although not specifically stated, pizza parity is a guaranteed right of all citizens. The explanation falls somewhere in the “Pursuit of Happiness’ clause. Therefore, it is a federal crime for shops to not deliver the perfect pie every time.
But there is a loophole which chains have been exploiting for centuries. All they have to do is promise to correct all mistakes for free. They were laughing even as the legal-eagles were drafting this nonsense. Think about it. You’re hungry so you call for a pizza. It takes twenty minutes to make and put in a keep-hot bag. If a driver is immediately available, the pie hits your door in five minutes. Payment, tip and pleasantries, tack on another three, and two more for getting it to the table. It has been a half an hour, and you were hungry before you called. Now, time and the incredible aroma wafting up from the box has got you drooling. If you open the box and it’s not right, you’re going to eat it anyway. If it’s covered with olives, anchovies, and bull caca, you’re not going to send it back because you know it will take another half hour to get the new one. You could starve to death by then.
In essence, they committed a federal crime and you won’t report it. Sure, you’ll let them know next time, or go someplace else. But the perpetrators of this dastardly injustice will continue to flaunt the law with no repercussions. What can be done about it you say, with your blood boiling? I say we stage a protest. Make signs, and march on your local parlor. Warn every one who passes, the toppings are not consistent and the slices are not equal. Quality pies must be maintained. Without this basic right, can total anarchy be far behind? I say no. Who’s with me?
By the way, if anyone gets free coupons when protesting, it’s only fair that you send them to me since it was my idea.
Hey everyone. Thanks for reading Mr. Ohhs! Sideways view. I hope you’re having as much fun as I am. If you like it, I bet a friend of yours will like it too. Share it on Facebook or send them this link MySidewaysView.com They’ll love you for it and might even return all the stuff they borrowed. Hey It Could Happen! (if you don’t have any friends, I’ll step up for the low low price of just $5/week)
If you have comments, want to discuss the intricate subtleties between pepperoni and plain cheese pizza, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at firstname.lastname@example.org I’d love to hear from you