Today I want to tell you all about talent. Specifically, MY talent. Hey, as they say “Some folks got it and some don’t.” The thing is you never know until somebody recognizes your talent and sends you to the right place. Then it’s Beverly Hills all the way: Swimming-Pools, Higher tax brackets, and Tell-All-Books about how many starlets you’ve made “friends” with. In case you’re interested the number is twelve. Unless you count Lassie, then it’s thirteen, but that was only some heavy petting.

Yes, today I took a break from my extensive entourage to sit quietly and talk about how I made it to the top. What?? You doubt that I have an entourage as big as a Rap star? Well:

Uuuuum! Sorry about that. I was gone. I’m back now. Although it is true. I mean, look at it my way. I’ve got one son who just learned to drive and I’m teaching another. Therefore, I always have a chauffeur. My daughter loves to cook. That’s a personal chef if ever I saw one. There’s two brothers-in-law who are constantly with me, trying to sponge cash, like a couple of bodyguards would do. Lastly, I have a beautiful wife hanging on every word I say, so she can correct me and I don’t make an idiot out of myself. Yep, I have a great entourage. In fact, I can verify as truth that my group is bigger than Tu-Pac’s is. I’ll let you figure out why.

However, don’t you all to get the wrong idea. Fame is not all sunshine and roses. At least not in my yard. There’s a big tree which causes so much shade that the roses won’t bloom right and… Ah, what was I saying? Oh yes, the troubles with fame. It does require that you have some real talent. For some that talent is looking good. Others train to perform for years. Then there are still others whose talent lies in being born to parents in the industry. Lastly there are those who can do something that nobody else can do. This is the category I fall into, but before I jump into that let me tell the story.

I was sitting at home cutting my toenails, completely unaware that fate was going to guide my hand that day. A friend of mine who is an actor called me up and asked if I was doing something important. It was a tough question. Personal hygiene is important, but if she had something more so, it could wait. I pondered what to say for several seconds, and it prompted her to said, “Mr. Ohh! are you there?” I answered I was and she told me why she called. Apparently, there was an audition for a national commercial, and they were having trouble casting it. She suggested we should go into the city and check it out. Well, we found the place and there was a line of folks coming from an agent’s office. We got in the back of the line.

Funny thing is, no one in the line seemed to know exactly what the audition was and those coming out were mostly just shaking their heads in embarrassment, or swearing about how unfair it all was. I tried to talk to one of them and he just looked mean at me and turned away mumbling four-letter words. The kid with him whined about being discriminated against. Then looked up and moaned, “You’ll find out!” from then on, I stared at the floor and waited for my turn.

Eventually I was in the front of the line and a guy with a sweater tied around his neck and a clipboard came out to get me. I went into the room, a little scared about what they were going to ask me to do. I had previously decided I wasn’t going to take off my clothes. Sorry girls.

They asked my name and experiences then took me into a room with a table with a twenty-ounce iced tea sitting on top. There was a man and a woman watching with stern faces. The woman said, “I want you to chug that tea. Any questions?” I was a little surprised but I opened the bottle. She interrupted me, “You understand We want you to chug all of it without stopping.”

I said, “Sure,” and brought it to my lips. She stopped me again, “No breaks for breathing.” Okay I replied and drank the tea. All three of them were amazed. Ostensibly, nobody else could drink a whole twenty-ounce tea. Who knew? I’ve been doing it for years. Two days later I got a call telling me I got the commercial and was told when to report to the studio. I was not prepared.

When I got there, they dressed me in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Next, they threw a bucket of water on me and told me to act like I was tired and sweaty. The place was air conditioned to about thirty degrees. I wasn’t hot, I was freaking cold. They did sixteen takes of me twisting off the cap. I haven’t got a clue why, but I did it. Then it was time for lunch. Imagine being soaked to the skin dripping all over the place and trying to enjoy a sandwich. Not Happening!

After lunch they threw another bucket of water on me, stood me in front of a green-screen, and told me to chug the tea. I did. The director yelled, “Cut” and told me everything I did wrong. What?? I drank the tea, wasn’t that enough? So, I stood there and did it again with direction. He yelled “Perfect.” Then said, “Let’s reset and do it again.” Again, What??

This led to two problems. One, I had to go to the rest room. Frustrated, he said Okay. The second problem was worse. I had just chugged forty-ounces of tea and he wanted more. Well I came back and did the best I could: Six more times, and he wanted more. I had to go to the bathroom so bad the whites of my eyes were yellow. I felt like I was going to explode. I did leave for a few minutes, but I knew that trip was only temporary relief. I couldn’t take it anymore. Just like a trooper I walked backed to the set. I swore if I ever saw a bottle of tea again, I would go rabid.

He and the woman were looking at a monitor, then looked up at me, “Okay, are you ready to do one for real?” My eyes went as big as saucers and then the whole crew laughed. The director said, “We got a couple good ones here, you can go.” I left grumbling, but when the check came, I was much happier.

I’m Okay now, but I did get a call from a soft drink company, asking me to do their commercials. I guess some talent just can’t be hidden.