The setting

As the auditorium fills you see the black curtain hiding the stage. It is a scene of dread, and you feel a cold chill running down your back. Yep, the guy behind you spilled his Vodka & Tonic all over you and your seat. Why’d it have to be a sellout? No changing seats. The guy apologizes and offers to buy you a drink. You accept. Heck, if you’re gonna smell like a distillery all night, you might as well have the drunk to match. He returns with your double-whiskey, sits, and the ice cubes in your pants melt just in time. The house lights dim.

The curtain rises on a darkly lit schoolroom. Maybe. How would you know? You’ve never seen what a schoolroom looked like in the late sixteenth century. There’re no apparent windows and the desks are high with tall stools. On second thought, this might be a room where scribes work. You’ve seen pictures of that. Then again, the title of the play is Teachard III, so a school is more likely. The whiskey must be kicking in. It’s only been a few seconds and you’re already thinking deep thoughts. Just then, a single spotlight illuminates center stage, and a wizened man, wearing a cassock, steps into the light. The play begins;

The prologue

“Greetings to thee. We seest before us a tale of ruin. The sooth tis naught for the feint of constitution. Ere I speak of same, thou must be warned. Prithy, I now taketh the moment to speaketh my name. It is Prologous, as my tale is the prologue.” He bows and rises, then shakes his head violently.

“Hang on a second! Did any of you understand that crap? I surely didn’t. What I should’ve said is; Hey folks welcome to the show. I’m Prologous, and it’s my job to give you the prologue. Actually, I’m Father Robert of Chester, but you don’t care about that. My part is so small, you won’t remember me at all. It really sucks to be me. Anyway, this is a tale of woe and sadness, blah, blah, blah. Some of you will relate, others won’t. Whatever, I’ll be back at the end to sum it all up. Here’s the show.” As he exits the light, he mumbles “Why did old Shaky-Rear have to make everything so complicated, Man!”

Act I

Lights come up on the whole stage and you find out you were right in your guess that this was a school room. A man and a woman, in appropriate dress, are having a heated discussion. Through the dialogue we all learn the man is domineering. The woman has finally had enough and this argument is about her not obeying the rules. In a fit of rage, she pulls a dagger from her desk and stabs the man in the heart. His death scene is way overplayed, and wordy. C’mon! Nobody says a page-and-a-half of dialogue while bleeding to death. Also, with all those words he never called out for help. Not very believable! You are sure you could’ve done it better. There just aren’t enough good actors doing Shakespeare any more. Where’s Sir Laurence Olivier when you need him?

Anyway, while you were pondering things which didn’t need pondering, the woman has hidden the body in a small hole in the wall conveniently located behind her desk, and plastered the hole closed all in thirty seconds. Boy, she’s good. Nevertheless, as you refocus, she is expounding a great monologue about how women will no longer be repressed, and that she will dispose of anyone in her way of becoming headmistress. You sigh, as this is a trite plot, and hope the progression of the story is good, because you paid sixty bucks to see this.

As the story progresses, we learn the woman is named Peggily Teachard, and she is responsible for showing the all-male student-body how to cook and sew their own robes. You know, woman stuff. Of course, she’s against this, as women should be allowed to learn math and science. Consequently, she is angry at all her male students. The only hero the boys have in all this is a highly-intelligent serving girl named Lady Victonica. They come to the lady with their desperations, and Lady V chastises and thwarts Teachard whenever possible.

Sadly though, she is not completely successful, and certain people seem to just disappear after speaking to Teachard. Then in a really great scene, at the end of the first act, blood is found behind Teachard’s desk. The squires come and open up the wall to find the body of the man from the beginning, who was father to one of the students. Next, in an extremely confusing bit of writing and acting, Lady V is arrested for the crime, and sent to the tower. All while professing her innocence, in a three-page soliloquy. You wouldn’t think Teachard would be suspected yet? It’s only the end of the first act, DUH!

Act II

Unfortunately, you sleep through most of the second act, but only exposition happens then anyway, nothing important. You awaken just before the third act curtain with more ice down your back. This time it was his wife. Another free double whiskey, and you’re all set for the rest of the show.

You quickly find out, during the second act as several unimportant folks have either disappeared, or shown up dead, Teachard has made convenient alliances with Duke Buckingham and Earl Surrey. Strangely enough both of their middle names just happen to be Of. Hmm! She has also traded her good relations with Margaret Queenie for two assassins to be named later. On the other side Lady V is now in bed with Margaret Queenie, figuratively not literally. This was, after all, not the enlightened age. Also, she made friends with houses, both in York and Lancaster, though she put a realtors bid on neither. I’m not why you would befriend a house rather than the folks inside? But hey, I’ve never claimed to understand Shakespeare. Boy, I guess things do happen during the second act. Stay awake next time.

Act III

It has come to pass Peggily Teachard is headmistress, because everybody else who’s qualified has wound up dead. In a terrific uprising scene, worthy of Le Misérables, the students storm, and free Lady V from the tower. Lady V then confronts Teachard shouting that her bullying is unfair. Of course, the students agree, and attempt to oust her. Regrettably, Teachard hides in a third-floor ladies’ room. This stops the students cold, as the term ‘Gender Neutral’ has not been created yet. Without the sexual revolution in existence, it is up to Lady V to bring her out. They have a really cool sword duel where Teachard offers the entire worth of the school for a horse. Odd actually. I think an automatic rifle would be more apropos at that moment, but who am I to say. Anyway, Teachard dies, and Lady V is the hero. Predictable Shakespeare ending.

Epilogue

Lastly, Father Robert comes out and delivers the epilogue. “Don’t do what Teachard did. Or do. What do I care, I’m only a bit player. The shows over. Go Home!”

Thunderous applause!