An Ode to Autumn;

The seasons change.

New smells to savor

Oh, how I wish

They’d find new flavors!!!!

Apple Blossom Time

It’s true! I don’t know what September is like where you are, but where I live it’s all apples, apples, and then more apples. Don’t get me wrong I like apple cider, and apple pies. I mean apple pie is just… Well, as American as apple pie for crying out loud. The thing is everything can be overdone.

I don’t understand what marketers are thinking. Sure, apples ripen in the fall. Consequently, you’re going to see more of them at that time of the year. Corn, wheat, tomatoes, pears, and squirrels all mature in the fall as well. Nobody’s going around promoting corn cider or wheat pies.

Then again, with greenhouses and delayed farming, we can enjoy picking corn husks out of our teeth at any time of the year.

Another thing, I never go to market and find freshly picked squirrels at any time of the year. If this time of the year meant squirrel-fritters, that would be something to cheer about. But No!! Absolutely no one goes out on a crisp autumn morning to go squirrel picking. And don’t tell me, “That’s because squirrels don’t grow on trees.” I see them on trees all the time! But I’m getting off the whole apple topic.

Apple Rotting Time

The thing I wanted to say is this; Around here we see apples all the time. Apple fritters and pies can be purchased in almost every market without a problem. But when fall hits, all of a sudden, we’re inundated with apples. Suddenly instead of three varieties available, there are twelve. The funny part of all this is, they all taste like apples.

Of course, with science around, they’ve created an apple that tastes like grapes. Big Woop! If you want something that tastes like grapes, eat grapes, not apples. Grapes ripen at the same time as apples. So, you can easily get either. The thing is the grape-apples are only available the same time as regular old grapes. So, if sometime in January, you’re thinking, “Boy I really want the taste of grapes. I know. I’ll just eat one of those apples that taste like grapes.”  You’re still out of luck. The apples aren’t around then either. There wasn’t any reason to create the stupid things in the first place. Better living through science? I don’t think so.

Hard time

The silliest example of all this, is hard cider. That stuff is available year-round, and can be purchased anywhere. Still, it’s advertised everywhere as the Premier Fall Drink. But it’s not a fall drink at all.

Think about it; apples ripen in the fall. Next, they have to be pressed into cider. Then this has to be fermented. Fermentation takes at least two months, and usually more. This makes hard cider a winter drink, unless you’re talking about last year’s apples. In that case, it becomes a nostalgic drink for thinking back to another time. That’s not the autumn I know.

Beer Time

Actually, the only real autumn drink is bock beer. It’s potent stuff. Mostly, it’s a fall drink because if you drink some, you fall down. This I understand.

Here’s how the tradition started; The barley ripens. Brewers want to start brewing new beer. There’s old beer still left in some of kegs. That’s what bock beer is. Leftover beer from last year. They have festivals specifically geared to get rid of this old crap, so they can make new. If you like it, fine, but it’s still the dregs.

Nowadays, folks know how to brew dregs beer, fresh. This makes no sense. But, if it’s the only ‘real’ fall drink, they need have it ready for fall. Starting in June! Make sure you’re getting this right; if you want to produce an honest fall drink, you have to make it in early summer. I’m so confused.

Everything in it’s own time

 There is one fall treat which only hits in the fall, pumpkin pie. Pumpkins ripen, then folks make pies out of them. Easy-Peasy. It all happens in the same month. Sure, folks set aside some of that pumpkin, and you can make pies whenever you want. But somehow, you only see pies in autumn markets. I like this. It’s honest.

The thing that’s not honest, is what marketers are trying to do with the spices you need to make the pies. Pumpkin pie spice is everywhere. I even saw a car place advertising a pumpkin pie spice oil change. I’m not sure how that works, and I really don’t want to know. Perhaps it makes your exhaust smell better. Although, I can’t see myself in the middle of a traffic jam thinking, “Hey! Something about that Volvo over there reminds me of home, and mom’s pies.”

Wrong time Wrong place

This whole thing started in 2004 when Starbucks introduced the Pumpkin Spice Latte. The sad thing is; No pumpkins were injured in the making of this beverage. They just added a bit of cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, and proclaimed, “Wow! This tastes like pumpkin pie.” And the rest, as they say, is the destruction of civilization as we know it. Okay, maybe they didn’t say that. But they should have.

I’ve had a few of these over the years, and they taste pretty good. The thing is they don’t taste like pumpkin pie. They don’t taste like coffee either. I’m not sure what they were trying to achieve, or what they might’ve been smoking at the time, but sadly they missed both of these marks.

Continuing our tale of societal demise, those lattes tasted good. Consequently, people bought them. Lots of people, bought lots of lattes, and pumpkin spice was born. In the next twenty years stupid people, in all walks of life, decided adding cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg was the Be-All-End-All in food. I’m here to tell you, it’s not! Really not!! Perhaps the greatest NOT I’ve ever experienced in my life.

But there’s time for everything else

Sadly, as with many subjects, I am the lone voice of sanity screaming from the middle of the desert. As always, no one is listening. This spice thing’s become a real problem. It’s not only in coffee anymore. It’s in cereals, candles, toaster pastries, beers, air-fresheners, chocolates, and even marshmallows are touted as being pumpkin spice. I don’t want spicy marshmallows.

I’m not so sure other folks do either. Yes, the lattes still sell by the millions, but all the other stuff usually ends up on the half-price rack on the first of November. When, everything switches over to peppermint. Frankly, that’s a mistake as well. Peppermint, is a weed which usually dies in mid-August. However, somebody noticed that Santa likes candy canes. Subsequently, everything had to be peppermint flavored. I guess if a stupid mistake goes on long enough, it becomes tradition. Who knew?

The thing is, there is a new monster looming on the horizon. Just as the Christmas season has taken over Thanksgiving, and is even encroaching on Halloween. The fall flavors are taking over the end of summer. This year I saw pumpkin spice sunburn cream.

And that’s just wrong, on so many levels!

I’m out of time