Colorful history

In 1912 the first electric traffic light was installed in Cleveland, Ohio. Wow! That’s a great bit of trivia. But I’m betting you don’t really care all that much. Actually, I don’t care all that much either. So, we’re all in the same boat. However, there is a point to all this nonsense, and I shall press on.

At that time, the red light meant stop, and the green light indicated traffic should go. This is the same color scheme used by the railroads for some fifty years prior. The yellow caution light was added later. At this point you should be saying, “So what, Mr. Ohh!. We use this system today.” If you’re not saying it, please start, and quit delaying the rest of the post. I’m mean, how rude?In 1912 the first electric traffic light was installed in Cleveland, Ohio. Wow! That’s a great bit of trivia. But I’m betting you don’t really care all that much. Actually, I don’t care all that much either. So, we’re all in the same boat. However, there is a point to all this nonsense, and I shall press on.

No Go

Okay, now that we’re all saying this, I want to tell you you’re all wrong. Sure, for most of the last century, you’d have been right. But not now. I’m not a world traveler. I can only speak for the USA, but here the only fixed thing about traffic signals is green still means go. Well, most of the time.

If you’re turning left, green means, “Go, if you can get through the hole in traffic.” Yes, it is “Go” but there are conditions. Thousands, of accidents are caused every year, by drivers who go when they can’t get through the hole. Their hope is others will stop. Hope is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t stop your insurance rates from going up after accidents caused by stupidity.   

Sort of Stop

Red on the other hand, means everything but “Stop.” For left turners it’s all in the timing. If it’s flashing, you’re allowed to turn even though the signal’s red. Then again, to makes the light catch your eye, that light flashes at something like sixty times a second. It could be said, it’s always flashing, and you never have to stop. Try that one on the judge processing your traffic citation.

If you want to turn right, the law is more confusing. It states that, you have to stop for a few seconds before you turn. How many seconds? It depends on how much a hurry your in. If you’re meeting your boss, it’s probably about five. If you’re late coming home after a night with the boys, it might be a half-second or less. If you’re headed for an appointment with the tax man, it could be hours. You just never know.

Neither is possible

Then again, some intersections post signs stating you can’t do either. Sadly, even these aren’t man enough to be definite. One by my house clearly states, “You are not allowed to turn right on a red signal between the hours of eight to ten in the morning, and two to four in the afternoon, on school days. Or if a dragon is crossing the road. Dragons always have the right-of-way.” This is all written in a six by six inch plaque, (fifteen by fifteen centimeters for the rest of the world), which hangs on a wire twenty feet off the ground.

How are we expected to know that sign is even there? Apparently we’re supposed to stop at the light, search the surrounding area for the sign, consult a Ouija board, call our analyst, flip off the guy behind you who’s honking his horn because you’re taking so long, then turn right on red. Very simple. Right? NO!

Don’t leave town

The worst part of all this is these rules aren’t universal throughout the states. I was driving to a client last week, and wanted turn left. The red light started flashing. At that time, I didn’t have a clue what it meant. Three cars behind me started leaning on their horns to get me to turn. I didn’t know what was going on. A few moments later, a police officer pulled up beside me and ordered me to turn and pull over. I wondered what I did wrong. He took ten minutes away from my life, to lecture me about the laws of his area, and why I should’ve learned them before driving through his town.

Why are all these rules so messed up? Because people are inpatient idiots, and politicians want to keep them fat, dumb, and happy. It started in 1980 with the right turn on red law. Before that the law was simple; Red means stop! People asked, “If there’s no traffic, why should I stop?” If I ran the world, the response would be, “Because it’s the law. Now sit down and shut up.”

What are those people doing?

But I don’t run the world, lawmakers do. They’ve turned laws into IF’s. If this and this and this happen, well you can do whatever you want. Sure, I enjoy a bit of flexibility, but driving was so much easier when I learned to do it. There was only one way to do things, not seventeen. I’m trying to teach traffic laws to my daughter. This is impossible, when every intersection has become a congressional debate.

We came to a place where two lanes turned right. She was in the leftmost lane and tried to go. I told her she couldn’t because only the right lane can turn on red. She asked, “Why?” I couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know why. The only reason I had was the sign up on the high wire said so. She told me it was a stupid sign, and intelligent people should rise up against the ignorance of the people who hung it there. Happily, while she was still ranting, and before the formal protest began, the light changed. She frowned at the missed opportunity of starting a full-blown riot, made the turn, and drove grumpily on her way.

It happened again on a country road, at a Stop sign. This should be pretty simple. If the sign says “Stop,” it surely means, stop. But No! Under the hexagonal red Stop, was another sign reading, “Monday thru Friday 8am to 6pm. Other times use caution.” I’d never seen such a thing. The worst part was we got there at ten to six. She didn’t stop, and I put a spot on the seat. When I asked, she informed me that it was close enough to six, and there weren’t any cops around. She’s just learning and is already as cynical as an eighty-year-old curmudgeon. What’s she going to be like when she hits the nasty age of constant anger? You know, like twenty-two.

Limitless stupidity

Remember I’ve just been talking about Stop and Go. When she saw a speed limit sign her whole world fell apart. The sign said “Limit 35 mph.” As she drove that speed, cars zoomed past her like they were running from a fire. I had to tell her to go a bit faster. She argued how wrong I was. Talk about conflict. How do you explain to a new driver, the cops won’t touch you until you moving 10 mph over the posted limit? I just can’t do it!

As things keep changing, I expect to see signs along the road stating, “Do what you feel like. If the cops don’t like it, they’ll let you know.”

I’m So Confused!!