Attention Everyone!

This is an important announcement. In fact, it’s really important. Maybe even super important. It might even be super-duper important with a cherry on top. Wow that’s important, I better get on with it.

Attention everyone! This is an important announcement. Are your fingernails turning purple? I mean when you didn’t paint them that color with polish. Honestly, you could have nails any color you want, but this is beside the point. I’d better get back to it again.

(I mentioned the fingernails thing. What’s next? Ohh yea!) Attention everyone blah, blah, blah… Purple fingernails blah, blah, blah… Or if you have any one of nine-hundred nondescript symptoms, including but not limited to: Fatigue, Stinky feet, Itchy elbows, Yellow teeth, Or a strong belief there are narwhals roaming around in your backyard, (If you don’t have a pool that is) You may be suffering from L.S.M.F.T. If so, you may be a candidate for Fragglesnot.

Fragglesnot is a five-times daily injection, which makes the manufacturer a ton of money, even after kickbacks to doctors for prescribing it. If you need proof of its effectiveness, just read these testimonials;

My butt stopped itching immediately after I started Fragglesnot, and scratched it. Also. My doctor bought a new boat.

A friend of my wife’s suggested I try Fragglesnot for my general hatred of everyone. They’ve since had a falling-out, and I haven’t seen her in months. Thanks, Fragglesnot.

Fragglesnot helped me realize there are no narwhals in my backyard. It was unicorns all the time.

I was worried I was going insane, spending too much money on silly things. But after Fragglesnot I don’t care anymore.

Ask your doctor if Fragglesnot is right for you.

Fragglesnot is available by prescription only. If it was available over-the-counter then doctors wouldn’t get their cut. Do not take Fragglesnot if you’re allergic to it. or any of its ingredients. (duh) Possible side effects include all the same things as the symptoms, because it really doesn’t do anything. Death is also a possible side effect. We cut a lot of corners during testing. The previous announcement is a paid endorsement for Fragglesnot.

Getting to the point

You may ask why I put a drug advertisement in the middle of today’s post. If you’re planning to, go back to kindergarten. Learn your words! I didn’t put in in the middle. I put it at the beginning. If you’re asking why I put it there, stick around and I’ll explain.

Before I get in too deep, let me say L.S.M.F.T. stands for Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. It’s the initials from old cigarette commercials dating back to the days of radio. It’s not a real disease. Don’t go running to your doctor asking them about it. You’d really embarrass yourself and I might actually feel bad about what I’ve done. It could happen. Since I don’t like to feel bad, I’ll also say Fragglesnot isn’t a drug. It’s what comes out of the nose of a Fraggle. Disclaimers complete, I’ll get on with it.

I don’t know about you but I’m growing to hate television, because of drug advertisements. Gone are the days when some aspirin company would show you the cause of your headache and prove they can cure it. Visuals of your stomach being coated by pink goo are a thing of the past.  Thing is I understand headaches, and tummy trouble. I don’t have a clue about ARTMIH, but I certainly know Fungooli cures it.

Very low numbers

What I really want to know is; How many people actually have ARTMIH? I’ve asked all my friends and neighbors, and not one of them have it. Ok, I guess I didn’t ask old man Gosset. You never want to mention a disease around him. It’s a sure-fire way to make sure he gets it. And he’ll tell you about the symptoms, real or not, for hours. Either way, nobody around me even knows what it is. All of them know what a stomach ache is. Yet we see hundreds of ads for Fungooli, and zero for antacids.

If only eighteen folks around the world have a disease, why must millions learn about it in thirty-second bleeps during our favorite shows? And it’s not just TV. It’s internet streaming, and music services as well. Every place I find entertainment wants to know if I have the symptoms of ARTMIH, or any other disease of the day.

The real funny thing is what I learned about advertising during major sporting events. It can cost up to five million dollars for thirty seconds of air time. Not only are drug companies being invasive, they’re being stupid as well. Look at it this way, possibly a hundred-thousand folks will see the add and think, “Hey I should ask my doctor.” Of them about a hundred will actually qualify for the drug. Face it, most folks are hypochondriacs. So, they spent five mil to sell a hundred doses. That’s fifty-thousand bucks a dose. They’d have been better off embezzling those funds, stash ‘em in an offshore account, and spending the rest of their lives in the Caymen Islands drinking Rum Punch.

Let’s throw around some cash

Where do these companies get this kind of cash? They spend a couple of million to develop a drug, then about a billion to promote it, when it only applies to one percent of the population. That’s like one of those Nigerian prince emails. It’s like they’re saying, “I’ll give you a billion dollars, if you’ll spot me a couple of grand.” Only this is real life and they have no problem doing it.

I think the problem comes from all those universities. As a requirement, all students and professors must publish a research paper ever once in a while. With all that publishing, people are just running out of things to research. Now, they’re just scraping the crap off the bottom of the barrel, calling it crapola, writing it up using a lot of big words no one even cares to read, add a few graphs with better curves than a Victoria’s Secret model, then sit back and watch the grants come in.

I think i’ve got it

I’m beginning to wonder if there may be more cash in identifying new diseases, than there is in curing them. I was just diagnosed with something called Sjogren’s Syndrome. At first, I thought the doctor was an ancient Japanese sooth-sayer, and I was destined to be Sjogren. You know the leader of the emperor’s armies.

Sadly, all Sjogren’s is, is that you have a dry mouth and dry eyes for some unknown reason. Crap, I was looking forward to ruling Japan. Ohh well. It has no cure but it got Sjogren’s name in the paper. My doctor said it’s really no big deal, just use eyedrops, and chew gum to keep my mouth moist. But you can bet Mr. Sjogren got a research deal with more zero’s than the pro-football contact of some college athletes.

Then again, what if there is no Sjogren? What if it’s an acronym of a group? Always remember groups love acronyms, especially groups relating to governments. What if SJOGREN actually stands for, Salivary‑Juice Observation & Gland Regeneration of Eye Nutrients.

It probably doesn’t, but it could!!!