This is a highlighted post originally from July 8 2018
OK, I am officially FREAKED OUT!!! I acquired a new laptop recently, and it’s stalking me. It’s not a love thing like that old Twilight Zone episode. It’s more like an awkward meeting at a party. I just took it out of the box and it already knows who I am and all about me. But before someone sends me to therapy, perhaps I’d better explain.
I was excited when I got it home and took it out of the box, being extra careful to avoid the instructions. Boy, companies are sure making it harder to dodge those things. I mean, it used to be easy. There was a little book that was tossed to the side, and that was it. Now, the book has evolved into three fold out flyers in several languages, as well as a larger poster sized page with pictures only, describing the placement of all the jacks and cable hookups. The thing is, it is color coded, so the second you see it, your eyes shoot right to it and WHAM, you’re looking at the instructions. A guy can lose his man-card if he’s caught reading instructions too often. It’s a good thing I was alone, because if my macho brother were there, he wouldn’t hesitate to report me to… oh wait, I was supposed to be talking about something else.
Anyway, I safely got it out of the box and onto the desk, flipped up the screen, and pushed the power button. The display came to life and was shocked to be greeted by the word “hi,” white on black in 98-point Arial font. Windows 10 has gotten a bit to forward for my liking. I’m not against friendly salutations but when they come, I prefer to see a smiling face along with it.
Either way, right after the greeting it displayed, “hold on, this will take a few minutes.” What! Are we dating? That’s exactly what my ex-girlfriend used to do every time I came to her apartment. I’d knock, she’d answer and invite me in, say those very words and then I would wait on her sofa for about a half-hour. Then again, maybe I should date the new computer. It only made me wait five minutes, before it started talking again. Is this why so many millennials prefer machines to people? It’s worth investigating.
Next it asked for my e-mail address. Now, that’s just got to be some kind of pick-up line. Hi Mr. Ohh!, can I have your e-mail? (you’ll have imagine the white leisure suit and the ‘come-on’ voice) What am I, some kind of sleazy barfly? I have standards. I am not about to be seduced by a lousy computer at my own desk. Especially, since it can’t even buy me a drink. The worst part about this whole situation is, I channeled my inner cheap tart and gave it my bloody e-mail. That’s when the weirdness started. (As if this wasn’t weird enough)
After only that tiny bit of information, the machine came back and asks if I was me. It knew my name. It also knew the picture I used on my last system as the wallpaper. I swear I never loaded any pictures into that spawn of hell, but it not only found and loaded the pic. It displayed it for the world to see. Then, when I went online, it knew all my favorite sites. There they all were, on the favorites bar just like they used to be. So much for buying a new computer to keep the wife from seeing all your dirty pictures.
Now, I have to take a step back and tell you a little about myself. I do not shop online. I have purchased precisely four things in line in the past year over the internet. I also X-Out every ad as soon as possible. Consequently, there is virtually no buying history for me in the that great electronic cloud wherever that is. So, in a last-ditch effort, to get me to buy something, I would be asked to view a lot of Toyota, and Home Depotcommercials. Then I purchased fifteen dollars worth of materials to make a keychain from a site which had such things. Suddenly, it was if Toyota went out of business. Now I exclusively get ads from this tiny site. Then I purchased some software, only to find their ads on my machine every day. The thing is, the ads are for the very program I already have, plus I have made the key-ring and don’t need another one. So, now I am forced to look at ads for the stuff I already have. I am seriously starting to miss Home Depot.
Now I thought, this advertisers plague was due to some lollipops inside my old computers memory. Wait not lollipops… Something else… Hold on I’ll get it in a minute… I got it! It’s chocolate-chip cookies. Or was it oatmeal? Either way those tasty treats couldn’t be in my new machine. It was factory sealed. Therefore, I was looking forward to more pictures of new cars. It was not to be. The stalker inside my new nemesis knew what I bought so long ago, and once again tried to sell me the stuff I already own. Spooky, huh??
I understand, I am no longer a teen-ager and these electronic things are beyond me, but this kind of stuff is still very unsettling. I thought about it and finally realized that I have stumbled into a great conspiracy. Since I don’t use credit cards at stores and do not shop the internet like everyone else does, the government must think I am some kind of subversive. If that’s the case I’m sure the Supreme Court would have no trouble handing out surveillance warrants to NHS, CIA, FBI, AFL-CIO, SAG, PDQ, and all those other confusing initial agencies. They must be watching me. There’s just no other explanation. I’ll show them. I am going to take a nap. I am going to be the most boring person under investigation they’ve ever seen. I’ll bide my time until they all have gotten careless, and then I’ll strike.
It probably won’t be much more than striking a mosquito as I sit on the porch, but the drive for potential anarchy is there. Wow, that sentence wore me out. Okay spy-guys watch me sit.
If you have comments, want to discuss whether avocado toast is a government conspiracy, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at firstname.lastname@example.org I’d love to hear from you!