Wolves and opinions

Last year, scientists cloned three extinct dire wolves. You may not care about this at all. Or you might think cloning is wrong. Then again, you might be angry enough, to stop believing in science and religion both, create an online forum about how the shadow government is hiding all the unicorns in secret underground bunkers, and dragons are morphing into bankers in an effort to ruin the world’s monetary systems.

While these are worthwhile opinions, they aren’t mine and therefore wrong. Look, I didn’t make that rule. Social media did. Frankly, when I was growing up people were allowed to have opinions. But, in this age of social media, having your own opinion is highly discouraged. You should all be thankful, you have a great genius like Mr. Ohh! to tell you the way things really are. Gosh, it’s hard to be as wonderful as I am, but someone has to do it. Anyway, back to wolves.

Terrible Decendants

 Dire wolves became extinct about ten thousand years ago. Scientists say this is because of the end of the ice age. Sadly, they too are wrong. I believe the real reason is because they saw a chihuahua, and died of shame. They were great predators and their descendants are tiny dogs who bounce when they bark.

I don’t understand how this happened. It blows my mind. When I take Wonder Dog for a walk his turds are sometimes bigger than all the the other dogs we see. My neighbor Maggie’s dog, Mufasa, looks more like a dustmop, than the great lion king he’s named after. Many’s the time I’ve thought of attaching a long handle to the little cretin and used him to sweep out my garage. A wolf would be totally embarrassed if they saw this.

Actually, more likely they’d chomp the little morsel in one bite. However, this is beside the point and doesn’t advance what I’m trying to say, so I’ll ignore this fact. La la la. That truth is all gone. I could be a politician the way I ignore reality sometimes. But again, I have gotten away from the point.

Don’t believe the hype

What I wanted to say is that scientists did not actually clone dire wolves. They looked at dire wolf skeletons, gaged their size and muscles, made several guesses about color, fur length, and how they’d would look on the cover of Time magazine. Next, they morphed timber wolf DNA to enhance these traits, implanted this in a female wolf, and prayed it would all work. She had the designer babies, but they are not truly dire wolves. They are an approximation.

Frankly, scientists don’t have a clue what extinct animals look like from the skeletons. Take a rabbit for instance; If you look just at their skeletons, you’d never know about the long floppy ears and wiggly nose. T-Rex may have been covered in pink feathers, had a fat nose, and a long floppy dewlap like lizards have. These are things you can’t tell from just a skeleton. Frankly, science assumes too much.

It could happen

Seriously, wouldn’t neon pink fluffy dinosaurs be cool? Or perhaps, the wooly rhinoceros with three-foot-long ears? Scientists assume they had short ears, because today’s rhinos have short ears. Big assumption considering they’ve never seen the extinct one. They have no imagination.

Frankly, they don’t even know what color green the plants were. Again, they assume. What if they were one of those greens that glows in black light. Wouldn’t it be cool if as the sun was going down all the plants started to glow? Add the technicolor pink dinosaurs and you’ve got a great image, worthy of a children’s book.

The reason I bring all this up is because I saw a children’s book the other day, and it said definitively, the dinos were green. They also said some were striped with browns and orange, as camouflage. How can they know this? They never saw one!

I didn’t see nothing

Science does not deal in facts. They deal in assumptions from what they see. I once read an article saying a planet ten bazillion miles from us is exactly like earth and likely to have intelligent life. Are they better than us? Frankly, I haven’t seen any evidence of intelligence on this planet. Especially when it comes to scientists.

You ask why I dislike scientists so much? Hey, what’s not to dislike? They make everything so complicated. Take the Kookaburra for instance. For a thousand years that was its name. Then science showed up and it suddenly became The Australian Laughing Kingfisher. Like we needed to add nine syllables to its name when everybody already knew what it was. Your cat is considered by science as Felis Catus Domesticus. I just call it Death Machine. My name is easier to say and describes the animal much more accurately. Even an ordinary rabbit is stuck with Oryctolagus cuniculus. Why do they do that when it’s so much easier just to say, “Bunny?”

Don’t listen to wisdom

Also look at AI. Ten thousand science fiction books have been written telling us that AI is a bad thing. Now I know scientists read books. I actually know a research chemist, and she’s got more books in her house than my local library. I guess that doesn’t mean she actually reads them. But it’s a decent bet. Anyway, I can just see a group of physicists sitting around at a bar talking;

Wow here’s another book about AI

What do they say about it?

It’s Bad!

Real bad, or just a little bit bad?

Really, really bad.

Well, I guess that settles it.

Settles what?

Now we have to create it.

Just what I was thinking. Let’s get started.

It’s all about Me

Then there’s my personal gripe with scientists. I have created what I call Cultural Paleontology. Basically, it means knowing what existed in prehistory from stories and tall tales passed down through generations. No bones, just stories. Thing is science has to have bones. If there’s no bones, it didn’t exist. And there’s no bones about it.

I have actually given talks about the subject that very, very ancient sino-man actually saw and named the dragon. But when I try to speak to the learned men and women, they send me off. Telling me that dragons were whale bones. How can something which was probably only two feet long be confused with a six-foot whalebone for crying out loud.

You just gotta laugh

What’s worse is when I talk to the so-called experts, they tell me that they’ve probably only uncovered only about one percent of the species which existed. So let me get this straight; They’ve only uncovered the tiniest number of species, but the one I’ve uncovered can’t possibly have existed because they have no bones. Look I admit I’m an idiot, what’s their excuse?

Then again, they do give me something to laugh about. I see everyone who thinks they know it all as fair game for being made fun of. I’ve made a fairly comprehensive study of so-called experts, and I’ve drawn some interesting conclusions: They’re idiots just like the rest of us. The data clearly shows… Hang on a second! I shouldn’t be talking like this.

Does this make me a scientist?? Ah Crap!!