Have you ever?

Have you ever done something that turned out nothing like you wanted? Of course you have. I don’t even know why I asked the question. Everyone has a deep dark oops, which they don’t tell anybody for years. When it eventually comes out, they have to spend several hours explaining, and hundreds of dollars bribing the guy who found out. You know it’s going to happen. Just look at every other detective book, or TV show. There’s always someone murdering someone because they found out their deep dark secret. To make matters worse, the hero of the thing also has to learn the secret so they can solve the case. But this is beside the point.

In my case it was my son who brought my stupid moment into the light of day. He looked at me and sadly said, “Dad, your idiot is showing.” Since it’s out for all to see, I’ll tell the world. Mr. Ohh! is not afraid of having his idiot showing.

On a side note

I’m not afraid of dragons either. You probably are, but remember dragons are a European thing and have never shown up in North America. I’ll start worrying when they start burning villages on this side of the world.  In reality, I can think of a few villages near me which need to be burned to the ground. So, if any of you Europeans want to box up a dragon and send it over, I’d pay the shipping.

Then again, I’d probably have to fill out several dozen forms and need some kind of a license to import exotic animals. Or perhaps the beast would get free, and become an invasive species. This would open up a whole new can of worms.

Those environmental folks would be all over my butt, for importing the thing. I could sick my cat on the beast. If you’d ever seen Capn’ Blood in action you’d know the dragon wouldn’t stand a chance. But I’d probably be arrested for killing an endangered animal. I just can’t win. Don’t send it over!! I make enough mistakes without that one on my conscience.

Hanging out on the beach

My mistake happened during college spring break. Actually, a lot of mistakes happen during spring break. So, why should mine be different? Thirty-some years ago when I was doing stand-up comedy, I got a job performing at a beach during break. Now I was never a headliner. I didn’t get beaches like Fort Lauderdale, Daytona, or even Bubba beach, guaranteed to be Florida’s dirtiest. No, I performed on the beach of Mobile, Alabama.

Nobody from the Midwest looks forward to partying in Mobile. The kids there were the ones who couldn’t afford Florida. So, they’re a little different. It’s not a Girls-Gone-Wild atmosphere. It’s more like Girls-Gone-Home to get their grandmother, then go to the beach in Mobile.

Anyway, the stage was set up on the beach and there were two comedians and three bands booked for that day. I was scheduled to hit the stage at about six-o’clock when the kids who’d been drinking all day were drunk, and thinking about getting something to eat. And the ones who’d been drinking all last night had barely gotten out of bed. To say the least It was an odd crowd.

I was wearing an open Hawaiian shirt covering a T-shirt. You may not care about my fashion choices, but this fact becomes very important later in the story. Anyway, I was doing a lot of materiel saying how Alabama was a better spring destination than Florida. The crowd was laughing hysterically. Of course, they were also blasted so that could’ve been a big part of it. Admittedly, I’m funnier when you’re drunk.

I think I made a big mistake

Then it happened. I mentioned the Girls Gone Wild videos and screamed to the crowed, “In Alabama we do things differently” The crowd cheered. I egged them on. It was pandemonium. And then, OOPS!

I ripped off my Hawaiian shirt and screamed, “Okay all you guys, now rip off your tops.” Remember I still had on a T-shirt. Also, I have to stress I said “guys.” Now I’m not sure what the Alabama definition of Guys is, and maybe it’s different from mine, but half or better of the young girls ripped their tops off. When this happened a sort of riot occurred. I never expected that! I swear it wasn’t my fault. Apparently, Alabama isn’t so different from Florida beaches after all.

Security escorted me off the stage, I was paid quickly and asked, less than politely, not to return. You see, it appears that while bare-chested guys are quite normal on the beach, in Alabama being a bare-chested woman is illegal. And before you ask, YES, I knew this. What I didn’t know was it came with strict penalties. Also, asking girls to be topless on the beach, and inciting a riot come with even stricter penalties. You guessed it, I was detained.

But it wasn’t all that big

By the way, was this really a riot? I always thought a riot was when people screamed, broke windows, looted stores, drank unfiltered water, and didn’t pick up after their dogs. Certainly not, two-hundred drunk idiots trying not to pass out while looking at boobies. Oops, I said a bad word. I promise I will never again say… I can’t say it. I may start another riot.  

Then again, it wasn’t much of a riot. It only lasted about five minutes, and was broken up by two skinny security guards who thought they were Rambo, an old lady with a cane who didn’t take her top off, and some guy who got mad, because a girl turned suddenly while showing off her… knee caps (yea that’s it) and made him spill his nacho cheese. I’m actually surprised the girl didn’t get mad. Having hot cheese spilled on your, uh, kneecaps can be very painful.

There are always plusses

The only saving grace to all this is, I am now a banned comedian. That’ll look good on a resume. Other comics drop the F-bomb a gazillion times a night and all the get is a parental warning in the label. I’ve got them all beat. I started a riot. Come to think of it, I guess I’m rather proud of that.

Another saving grace was one of the security people was recording the show. After watching the video, the magistrate concluded I was asking only the men to remove their tops and the topless girls were to blame. I was allowed to leave without a fine. That was better than fine. (see what I did there) However, yet again, I was asked to not return.

Now, I actually lived in Alabama for about a year. It’s not a bad place to hang your individually crafted unicorn hide fedora. But now I have a restraining order to not perform anywhere in the southern half of the state. Multiple counties and jurisdictions have banded together to keep Mr. Ohh!’s comedy out of their area. That’s pretty impressive when you think about it. I admit this was thirty years ago, and I don’t know if the order’s still in effect. But how many other comedians can say they’ve ticked off a whole half a state?

Not Many I Bet!!