Ah, the bliss of scanning my back yard at this wonderful time of the year. The grass is dead. There is no need to mow and there are no flowers to give me hay fever. The leaves have fallen and what hasn’t been raked is covered with snow and can’t be seen. The birds that are left are all puffed up, looking more like plush animals than aerodynamic miracles. The whole place looks pristine, but it has a secret. My neighbor has dogs. The wonderland of my yard is really a mine field filled with frozen stink bombs ready to go off at the first thaw.

Yea, winter looks pretty, but there are plusses and minuses just like every other season. I guess I’m just not a big change of season kind of guy. Unless, of course, you are talking about spring, and Tom Lehrer’s favorite springtime activity. If you don’t know what that means, well I’m not going to mention here. Just go to Youtube and search “Tom Lehrer pigeon” and you’ll know what I mean.

On second thought, don’t go there. While the song is hilarious, it’s really not very nice. Pigeons are okay, a bit rude as birds go, but you would be rude, too, if you were as tasty as they are. Not much meat, but they sure got some yum going on. Now, where was I? Oh yes, pigeons. I know they can be bothersome, but they’re just like all the other city dwellers, crammed into overpopulated areas, scraping every day to get enough to eat, and hanging around outside the best restaurants acting like they’re better than everybody else.

In the city it’s all about attitude, whereas in my yard there is a better class of birds. The evil in my yard comes from the rodent population. The ones with big fluffy tails that my daughter says are so cute. I’m talking about the nemesis of every decent suburban home owner. Squirrels!

Before you all give out a collective AWWWWWWW, I will admit they are cute. But they are also totally evil demon spawn of Satan himself. Just watch them for a day and you’ll know. Just try to hang a bird-feeder with squirrels in the neighborhood. The bushy-tailed rats will eat the food before the birds ever get there, or die trying. In my yard, they even destroyed and stole two feeders. These were especially overpriced because, “They are completely squirrel resistant.” Who cares if they’re resistant? Those mutant beasts just steal the whole feeder, and take them to some raccoon with a lock pick. Of course, raccoons are running the forest dwellers underworld. Why do you thing they wear a mask? I have no doubt they’re running the illegal catnip market and are skimming profits from the local bunny clubs as well. How many more innocent mice have to be drawn down to the depths of this gangland degradation before somebody listens? But I digress.

Yes, the rodent gangs are bad, but it’s those free-lancing tree dwellers in their penthouse nests that you have to worry about. It’s easy to see how wicked they are. You don’t have to look any further than the neighbors chained-up dog. The squirrels just mark how far the chain goes and stands two inches further out chittering away at the poor canine strangling itself against a collar at the end of its leash. Also, have you any idea how so many old lady’s cats get stuck in trees. They get there by chasing the errant tree rats up to a branch. But Beelzebub was wise with its demons. Squirrel claws are made so they climb down trees as well. The wholesome feline can’t do this, so they end up trapped by the evil ones.

Another thing is, those high-rise tree cretins look down on the rest of nature, and scoff. They’ve nary a care for the environment at all. You ask how I know? Well, it should be obvious. Squirrels openly flaunt the fact that they wear natural fur. They don’t care who knows it. They just snap their tails and run blatantly across the yard as if to say, “I can afford it, so I’m going to do it. Who cares what you say?”

You might try to tell me: other animals do the same thing. Well, this is true, but at least those foxes and rabbits have the good taste to be ashamed about it. All those other animals hide in their dens and brush, hanging their little heads. They have to do it but they, at least, know it’s wrong.

You might ask yourself, “How could such an evil creature come into this beautiful world?” Sure, you might not, but then again you might. So, on that possibility, I’ll answer your plea. I have two theories on this. The first is the simple one. At some point in the past, aliens from the far-away planet Sciuridae, came to earth and dropped off their prisoners. The ones decent society could no longer tolerate. Earth then became the official trash pit for alien monsters. These prisoners have been plaguing mankind ever since.

The second theory is a bit more outlandish and unbelievable than the first, but probably more accurate. Stay with me on this. About 66 million years ago, a secret society of dinosaur scientists embarked on a grave experiment. Using genetic engineering techniques, probably developed by rogue tyrannosaurs wanting longer arms. They created living servants. These Shenshou, as they were called, were employed as slaves to the dominant dino-masters. Things probably were ok for a while until the servants became self-aware and started reproducing themselves. A lot like robots in some Isaac Asimov book. Anyway, after some bloody revolution 65 million years or so ago, they destroyed their cruel masters, and the dinosaurs were no more. This gave rise to the rise of mammals. Meteor from space my eye.

This is why we must beware. I suspect the current bad behavior of the squirrels is just the start of the next great cataclysm. They’re trying to take over again. You think I’m wrong? Well, in Great Britain, there is a recent article stating a problem with gray squirrels, calling them an invasive species. Yes, I said invaders. It’s happening right now. What can humanity do to save itself?

Well the article also contained the solution. Ivan Tisdall-Downes has seen the light and come up with a solution. Tisdall-Downes is the chef at Borough Market restaurant Native. He is gathering the gray beasts even as we speak and turning them into… Lasagna! Yes, he has seen the problem and is serving it for lunch.

Take that you monsters.

Hey everyone. Thanks for reading Mr. Ohhs! Sideways view. I hope you’re having as much fun as I am. If you like it, I bet a friend of yours will like it too. Share it on Facebook or send them this link MySidewaysView.com They’ll love you for it and might even return all the stuff they borrowed. Hey It Could Happen! (if you don’t have any friends, I’ll step up for the low low price of just $5/week)

If you have comments, want to discuss the cartoon Secret Squirrel, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at ohhssidewaysview@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you on;}}{\*\datas