I want to know, and I want to know now, what ignorant sociopath came up with the plain donut? Is this a marketing tool of some kind? Perhaps, they think we can lose weight and feel-good eating plain donuts. Don’t be an idiot. It’s still deep-fired sugar filled dough. It still has about a bazillion calories. What is doesn’t have is taste. Glaze that puppy! If the thing has a day’s worth of calories before the glaze, why not add the sweetness? You might as well enjoy it.

I’m sorry if I offended any of my more delicate readers with the abruptness of that opening paragraph. However, this issue makes me upset. Bakeries are lulling America in to a false sense of security by making folks think plain donuts are somehow good for you. Well, they aren’t, and that’s the straight skinny from Mr. Ohh! himself. If you can’t trust him, who can you trust?

The worse thing is the bakers are sneaky about it. Where I live, we have a commercial bakery which delivers treats and goods to all the local markets. The donuts come in boxes of eight. Why eight? How the heck should I know? That’s how they come. I wasn’t consulted in the packaging meetings. Sheesh! Anyway, the boxes are four donuts long, two donuts deep, and have a clear window showing three donuts. The assumption is that there’s a similar donut underneath the one you can see. The trick is there are two unseen donuts. So, what we see is a chocolate donut, yummy, an apple crumb donut, oohhh, a powdered sugar donut, drool drool, and a blank space. Once you’re finally able to control your animal instincts enough and open the box, you see two of each of those and two plain donuts. AHHHHHHHHH! Those sneaky bastards. They don’t show the last two, so they don’t cover them in sweet caloric goodness. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.

My wife bought one of those boxes. When she brought it home in the afternoon, she told us all they were for breakfast the next morning. I spent the whole evening trying to figure out which donut I might try. I actually wet my pillow drooling and dreaming about donuts. I jumped up the next morning a half hour earlier than normal and made coffee. While I was grinding beans, putting a filter in the machine, and adding the water, my children came downstairs. I went to the bathroom while the coffee brewed. When I returned, the aroma of fresh java filled the kitchen. Then I went to the carafe. It was empty. My family had gotten to my fresh coffee before I did. But No Matter. I was going to eat an apple crumb donut. My good mood remained intact. I went to the donut box and screamed. In that thin cardboard receptacle were only two donuts left, and they were both plain!

Plain donuts should never have been in that box in the first place let alone the only ones left for me. I am the Dad for crying out loud, the king of the castle. I should be revered and respected beyond all limits. They should bow down to me and kiss my toes and beg me for scraps of bread. I should determine who lives and dies. I am the law beyond all the laws of the earth and sky. The dad is the supreme ruler of the universe!!! Well, okay, none of that’s true, but at least I should get a cup of coffee and the donut I want. Is that too much to ask?

 The thing is, all this has a very simple solution. Certain things like plain donuts just shouldn’t exist. They’re a crime against snacking: Like fat free ice cream, non-alcoholic beer, or baked black spiders. The only to prepare black spiders is breaded, deep fried and dipped in chocolate.  I mean if you want to scrape the glaze off your donut, that’s your problem.

Of course, I’m not advocating eating deep fried butter. That’s taking it a little bit too far. Unless of course you’re sharing with another person. On that note, I have an issue. One of the perfect snacks is the Oreo. It has everything you need in a snack, chocolate flavoring, a good sugar/oil mix, and no nutrition whatsoever. It’s perfect. It does not need to be batter dipped and deep-fried like they do at county fairs. People will mistake it for a chicken leg or something. Next, they’ll be calling it food and civilization as we know it will crumble. I’m just saying.

Then there are those folks who want light beer. Just say NO! Light beer isn’t beer. It ain’t doing nobody no good. They just think it is. Sure, you may look at some fashion model in a bikini, on the screen saying, “How could I hold on to this figure if I wasn’t drinking diet beer?” Diet Beer? It’s a crazy lie. A decent beer has about a hundred-ten calories. Light beer has ninety-six. If you’re a marketer you could say that’s fifteen percent less. If you want the truth it’s fourteen flipping calories. Hey bikini lady, go crazy, just skip a carrot next week. Fourteen calories sheesh!

I was at my doctor’s office the other day and walked over to the vending machine. The sign said they only held healthy snacks. Ok, I can eat a bit of trail mix once in a while. It’s not going to kill me. But the machine didn’t have that. What they had is baked potato chips. What? Why on this green earth of ours would you bake a potato chip. Less salt maybe, smaller portions, okay, but baked? I decided to save the money and eat my shoe instead. It may not be any more satisfying but at least there is some flavor happening.

My personal favorite is one I saw in the diet aisle at the market. I was walking through and looking at the nutrition stuff, and they had an area for snacks. I always thought if you wanted to be healthy you should avoid snacks, but no. So, I took a look. The things were tiny. Ants looked large in comparison. Sure, you could have a cookie for a snack. But if you inhaled the thing would disappear up your nose and into your lungs and you’d never notice the foreign object.

They said the same thing about pizza. Nutrition programs are just so happy they can let you eat pizza. It’s incredible. The thing is what they call pizza is a cracker with tomato sauce, and a scraping of cheese. That’s not pizza. Pizza is at least eight inches around, with browned, melted cheese on top, not a silly appetizer. Pizza is an institution to be revered and respected. So is ice-cream. Cream is the fat from the top of milk. How can Ice cream be fat free?

Sorry about that. I better just have my coffee and calm down.

By the way This plain donut is pretty good, you should try it.