I am lost in a confusing world

My life just keeps getting messed up, and I can’t figure out why. I have my suspicions, but it concerns my children, and my wife thinks I blame my children far too much. The thing is we have a different view about them. My wife sees my three teens as the babies they used to be and I see them as the adults they will, hopefully, soon become. I would really like to be right on this but I have been stuck with a bad alliance; Them!!

I mean I was at the market the other day and asked my eighteen-year-old son what he wanted for dinner. I was hoping for something sophisticated like Asian Beef with broccoli, but no. He wanted Chicken Nuggets. And, not just any nuggets mind you, he wanted the ones shaped like dinosaurs. Also, he didn’t want normal fries. He wanted the potatoes that were shaped like little smiley faces. Are you people understanding this? My adult son, who will soon be going out into the world and making decisions about the future of government, the planet, the cars we drive, and what superhero movies will be released, wants his lunch from kindergarten. You’d think he’d have grown up better than that.

Is it my children or my own up-bringing??

Some of you might be thinking this is fine because it’s comfort food or he’s remembering his childhood. Well, I don’t want him remembering his childhood. I want him remembering about manhood. Childhood is playing games in my basement and eating my food. Manhood is getting a job and leaving my house. Yes, it also consists of his mother crying. In have taken that into consideration. I’ve taken hundreds of pictures. If she cries, she can look at a picture. Pictures don’t eat my food.

 The thing is, my kids are much smarter than I am. I got a job when I was eighteen. The three of them are smart enough to con their father and not only avoid the whole job thing but they have me waiting on them hand and foot. I’m not exactly complaining that it’s different than when I was a kid. I’m just wishing that I was smart enough to get in on some of that action. If I could have conned my parents into another few years of peanut butter sandwiches and tomato soup who knows how I would have turned out. But No! I’m not only another drone working for the Man, this drone’s working for the Child as well. I’m working for everybody and frankly I want a raise.

The Asian Ways

I am lost and my busy American lifestyle is offering me nothing to soothe my soul, with the possible exception of chocolate brownies and pizza, but even frosting on the brownies isn’t enough, I need something more. Through this blog I have met several folks from Asia and think that I may find my path to enlightenment there. I admit I had a bit of trouble finding which path.

Before I go on, let me state categorically that I don’t have the cash to actually go to Asia to study, and as I despise truly doing any kind of work, I may have misinterpreted a fact or two. I guess I’m not really looking for actual enlightenment, more of an enlightenment light.

Confuciunism

The first stop on my journey was Confucianism. The funny thing is Confucius’s name was really Kong Fuzi. I wonder if her was related to King Kong. No, probably not. Confucius taught, “He who learns, but does not think is lost. He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.” He was also said to not teach his students but to ask them questions. That’s like taking the test before you learn the subject. It’s just not right! Well just this much has certainly got me Kong-fuzied! I decided against this path. I’m already confused enough.

Hinduism

My next stop on my search for something which I don’t know what it is was a look at Hinduism. Do you realize how hard it is to find something that you don’t know what it is? It’s like buying a holiday gift for your mother. You’ll know it when you see it, but you might have to go to three hundred places to see it. Now where was I. Oh yes, I was in India. Well Not really.

In Hinduism they respect everything, because it is all an aspect of Brahman. I found out this includes my neighbor across the street. I don’t like him. I don’t even remotely want to respect him. It was a real moral dilemma. Then I realized I wasn’t invested in the belief yet so I started hating him again. Problem solved.

Buddhism

Finally, I looked into Buddhism. This one looked really good because I was looking for enlightenment and that’s what Buddhists are seeking. To them enlightenment takes the form of finding a place called Nirvana. How you find it is you live your life on the path to Nirvana. Sounds simple right? Wrong!! The thing is they don’t tell you where the path is. In point of fact only a few folks have found nirvana and when they did, they just smile a lot, tell you about it, and then you see statues of them in Asian restaurants. But no one is allowed to tell you where it is. You have to find it for yourself, and this can take several lifetimes I am told. Who has that kind of time?

I mean I only allotted two weekends to find this enlightenment. I’m a busy guy. I have responsibilities. Do you honestly think my wife would let me jet over to Nepal for six months? Not happening. Who would mow the lawn? Then what about my boss? “Sorry I was gone so long, John? I was trying to find enlightenment.” John’s next words would probably be, “Good thing you’re experienced. Now you’re trying to find a new job.”

The American Ways

I was about ready to give up when I found the person who could truly show me the way. It was in the form of an advertisement in the back of a magazine. “Buy my book ‘Life Reveled’ by the great Dude-ah.” It was only twenty-nine-ninety-five. Well that plus taxes… and shipping… and handling charges… and copyright fees… and the optional CD which you had to buy… oh and the accompanying workbook… There might have been shipping on that too. Anyway, the whole thing came to just over two-hundred bucks, but I gladly paid and waited for it to arrive.

I got into the total spirit and started wearing a yellow toga. I referred to my life as the great dharma. I even collected a study group in the lunchroom at noon of like-minded people who all were looking to me to shed the great wisdom upon them. Then the package arrived and I ripped into it.

There were many words but this is the Dude-ah’s message, “C’mon man Life sucks then you die get over yourself.” I was elated and devastated all at once with my new wisdom. I removed the toga and went straight to the kitchen and made myself a frosted brownie, pepperoni pizza.

Ahhhhhh, I have reached Nirvana