Save Her! She’s A Damsel In Distressed… JEANS!!

I do all this for you

Do you want to know what I don’t understand? Of course, you do, because you hang on every word I bring to this forum. It was really just a rhetorical question at best, but it probably makes you feel better that I asked for your opinion instead of just blathering on and on like many of my non-educated compatriots. That’s why you come here. Not only am I good, but I’m good to you. Now, let’s all sing Kumbaya. Or better yet, let’s Not!

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If not read on

Everything except the cheese

What I will never understand is cheese, and the simple fact we have it so prevalently in our diets. Think about it a second. At one time, cheese did not exist. Then eight to ten thousand years ago, some dude we’ll call Crag, decided he would milk his goats instead of eating them. Who knows why? This is the most unnatural thing I can think of. Like eating rocks, you just know not to do it.  I’m guessing he was either drunk or his wife put him up to it, because she wanted a latte. Even back then wives and girlfriends could be a problem.

But you see that’s not all. Once our buddy Crag had the milk he had to walk even further along the stupid trail. He didn’t drink that milk, or even open a Starbucks franchise, and sell the lattes his wife liked. Ohh No! He decided to let the milk sit and go bad. Crag looked at it every day, and it was starting to smell bad with chunks floating in it. Did he throw it away like a normal person would? Nope again! Crag collected the smelly chunks, mashed them together into a cake, and let that sit a few months longer. Only then did Crag pull it out, offer to cut off slices, and melt them over the roasting mammoth the tribe just killed. Thus, the cheeseburger and bar-b-que were born. I guess the smelly cheese was an improvement over the disgusting mammoth. Who am I to judge? But I digress.

And of course, Bread

I feel the same way about bread. Think about it for a moment and you will realize it just doesn’t make sense. Have any of you actually made bread? I don’t mean in a machine. I mean hands on, rolling, mixing, loafing, and messing up the entire kitchen for a week. I have. It’s not pretty and takes all day. This was with a recipe and instructions, and even then, I blew a few steps. Inventing this must have been crazy hard.

I figure eleven thousand years ago, Gronk our inventor, had just settled down to be a farmer instead of a hunter. He probably had asthma and couldn’t keep up. What does he plant? He probably goes for things you can eat right away: Beans, Potatoes, Carrots, Cucumbers, maybe Parsley. Nobody even knows why parsley exits, but for some reason everyone keeps planting it. Anyway, then some shyster comes by and convinces him to plant wheat. What? You can’t eat wheat.

Anyway, Gronk’s crops come in, and he has all that good stuff and the wheat. What does he do? The only thing I can think of is that he just left it in the field. I bet, this made for less yelling from the wife. Then I figure all that wheat in the field got stepped on, and mushed into dust. I figure after that, on a rainy night Gronk was out binging and came home to see the rain had turned the dust into a paste. In his less than fully capable state, Gronk had a great time dancing on the paste, rolling it into balls, kicking it, juggling it, and generally making a nuisance of himself. When he got inside, I’m betting he randomly placed the ball of paste near the fire and went to bed.

Undoubtedly, when he got up, with a hangover, the next morning, the paste was flawlessly and accidentally baked to perfection. Wifey loved it, and consequently Gronk never mentioned it had been in the mud, between his toes, and under his moldy sweaty feet the night before. There are just certain thing guys should keep secret in order to have a happy marriage, then as well as now. Either way unnatural and totally accidental bread was invented, and the rest is history. I bet Gronk’s descendants even provided the buns for those smelly mammoth-cheese sandwiches I mentioned before. I’m thinking the buns were the best part. Those had a few thousand years to perfect the recipe.

But what I really don’t understand is

Speaking of buns, we come to the next thing I don’t understand. The other day, my son and daughter went to the store to buy a pair of jeans each. After doing laundry I, certainly concurred. Their old jeans have many holes and should be replaced. Well, they came back with jeans with more holes than the ones they were replacing. I don’t get it. I understand Distressed jeans. I even had a pair or two in my youth. They were faded white in places and well worn in others. Sometimes, they even had a small, indiscreet hole, which would show off what color underwear you were wearing. Scandalous! The thing was ninety percent of the original denim material was still connected to the jeans.

However, these jeans weren’t distressed, they had already been dead, after a long debilitating sickness, and buried for several years. They were zombified. Undead jeans, walking the earth, and eating the knees and hems out of the living. More than half the original material was gone. One pair was barely a pair of shorts with long seams down to the floor where the hems remained. My daughter tried them on for me, and I told her they were certainly NOT dad approved. She just laughed and called me old fashioned. Here’s a question for all you out there; Is it old fashioned to expect clothing to actually contain cloth? I used to consider myself pretty hip, but now, who knows?

And while we’re on the subject

My daughter also bought a jacket.  It has long sleeves, but sadly two inches below the armpits, and one button below the collar it just ends in a frayed mess. I remember when jackets were supposed to keep you warm when it got cold. Apparently, that’s not the case anymore. Jackets are part of a style and nothing should ever cover your belly. Why? I don’t know, but that’s the way it is.

A while back my grandmother showed me a dress with a bunch of oddly shaped holes. She told me moths had eaten it and it was ruined. Boy, was she mad. If this distressed thing keeps up. I going to get some of those moths, and advertise All-Natural Organic Clothing Distressing for a fee. No Metal involved. It’ll sell because it’s got all-natural in the name. Folks are crazy for that stuff.

Could it be a nature thing?

I might do the same with the expired milk in my fridge and start making bread with my feet. It’s the way Mother Nature would have wanted it. Hey wait a minute Nature didn’t think of any of this stuff. Clothing, bread or cheese.

It’s just not natural.

How about a cup?

Hey everyone, before you go I just need one more minute of your time. Do you like my stuff? If you do, we should get together for coffee. That’s probably not possible so why not buy me a cup of coffee to show how you feel. It’s real easy just click below. Thanks a bunch for reading and listening



14 thoughts on “Save Her! She’s A Damsel In Distressed… JEANS!!

  1. I was born a cheesehead and don’t really care how it was invented. Same with bread. There is nothing in the world like the smell of fresh baked bread – and cutting off that first slice while it’s still hot (use a very sharp serrated knife to avoid disaster) and putting real butter from a real cow on it…then a slice of cheese…I’ve got too much drool on the keyboard now to cont…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Since I was a little kid, I hated drinking milk. The odd smell, the weird consistency and that aweful skin on hot chocolate milk! I grew up to be a cheese lover, despite the odd smell and consistency?!?
    Also, saw a very young girl yesterday thinking, isn’t she too young to wear a tummy top? I hate to tell you, Sir, but we might be getting old

    Liked by 1 person

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