Snack asiles

The other day, I found myself in the snack aisle of my local market. I probably shouldn’t say, I found myself. In point of fact, I never lost myself. I was always right here, and the other day, ‘here’ just happened to be the snack aisle. Actually, I hasten to add, I’ve never lost myself, or anything else for that matter, in the snack aisle of the market. Well, except perhaps my willpower. Therefore, I shouldn’t need to find anything there. The thing is I always end up there, and never seem to find any more willpower.

I guess you could say, I’ve lost money in the snack aisle. I simply have to enter that paradise of nuts, chocolates, and chips, and money just seems to disappear. This, of course, is also untrue. I don’t lose money until I go to the cashier, and pay for the snacks my lost will made me pick up. While I’m not advocating shoplifting. I could save a lot of money if I did this. However, my willpower would still be gone. Then again, if I ever decided to be a petty crook, it would be a bad situation all around. I’d end up in prison where Bubba would be asking for smokes, and all I could provide would be cupcakes. Very Ugly! No paying is still the best option.

Snack Thinking

Of course, we all know, Snack Foods are God’s way of telling us, Man was not meant to live forever. Even so, I try to avoid it. The problem is, I can’t. The marketing gods on Mount Olympus, Mount Kilimanjaro, Mount A Horse, or even Sermon on the Mount, wherever the heck they are, have decreed, No Man Shall Exit a Shop Without First Going Through the Snack Aisle. It’s a law of nature, handed down since the beginning of time when the first cave dwellers had to walk past raspberry bushes while bringing home mammoth burgers. They paid in thorn pricks, and blood. Ouch! We pay in money. Thank heaven for progress.

Here’s another interesting little tidbit, in our world of mass convenience where the ultimate powers have handed down such laws, we have to thank retailers. Since we are required to go through a snack aisle, retailers have stepped up, and put snack aisles all over the store. Every end cap has got snacks. Every Checkout Lane has been filled with unhealthy yet tasty nibbles. Boy, when they comply, they comply big. I don’t know what the penalty is for not going past snack food, but it must be serious. So, a great big Thank You goes out to the army of women and men who ensure we are getting enough salt, sugar, and fats. Because of you, we never have to feel the wrath of the marketing gods.

Snack Controversy

Some of you may be crying out, “This country is in crisis. Too many people are eating too many unhealthy things.”  These heretics would have us ignore the commandments, and remove snack aisles forever. “We eat too much fat, and salt,” they scream. I say, to those disbelievers, “This is why God created marshmallows!” Read the label, marshmallows have zero fat, and no salt to boot. They’re like puffy diet food, which actually tastes good. Also look at the back of a can of nuts, there’s just oodles of protein. So, sit down you anti-snackers, and chew your tree bark quietly.

Snack Mix-ups

While on the subject, sort of, I have to ask the great ones, or anyone who happens to walk past, “Why do they insist on mixing things?” You’ve all seen it, there’s mixed nuts, trail mix, bridge mix (which is trail mix dipped in chocolate), and the ever-popular Chex Mix. Even Frito Lay has jumped on the bandwagon and mixed Doritos and pretzels. Those sages of salt would have us believe, mixing snacks enhances the flavor and experience. But it doesn’t!! Everybody just re-sorts everything.

Take a can of mixed nuts, it doesn’t matter if you do this by yourself or in a group; Just put them close by and wait. Of course, the can will slowly empty. Observe how it empties. The cashews will go first, followed by the almonds and walnuts, then the Brazil nuts and other less common offerings, until you are left with half a can of peanuts. Just as this happens, everyone in the room will suddenly no longer be hungry. The strange thing is if you put a can of peanuts in front of the very same group, after a short while, the can will go completely empty. What is this phenomenon with peanuts? They’re fine by themselves, but inedible in the presence of other nuts. I’ve never seen a marketer able to answer that question. Maybe they don’t know everything?

No one teaches us this genetic behavior, but I can tell you, we have it from a very early age. From the moment we open our very first bag of M&M’s, we are hooked. There is absolutely no difference between red, yellow, and blue candies, yet virtually every bag is opened dumped on a flat surface and sorted. I admit, my research has yielded a strange correlation between the green ones and a powerful attraction to the opposite sex, but this has not been scientifically proven. I assure you, chemically they are exactly the same as the other colors. However, even though the aphrodisiac quality has not been proven, I still keep a few green ones close by. Just in case

Snack Questions

They worst item in this random sorting behavior is a bag of ‘Bridge Mix.’ All the raisins, cashews, peanuts, and other sundry salty things are coated in a thick layer of chocolate. It becomes much more difficult to tell peanuts from almonds, when everything looks like shiny dark brown balls in varying sizes. Still though, we try. Years ago, I took a bag to a quiet study group, opened it, and set it in the middle of the table. What happened next was nothing short of amazing. Instead of hearing the sounds of pages turning, and whispered questions seeking clarification on the instructions, the group got amazingly off topic. Suddenly, all I heard was reasonably quiet statements like; “Crap, I thought it was an almond,” or “I think these are the raisins,” an occasional “Yum, I got a cashew,” and of course the disappointed “That was just a ball of chocolate, no nut.” They were all sorting the mix, and because it was a more difficult, than just by color, the task was consuming their brains.

No, I don’t care for mixed-up snacks. You can call me an elitist if you want, but I prefer a single thing in the can or bag when I choose to add to my waistline. This being said, I once saw a bag of Chocolate Covered M&M’s. Admit it, this is chocolate covered chocolate. A bit redundant if you ask me. The fancy shops keep trying to outdo each other by smothering fruit, potato chips, cookies, and even bacon in a thick layer of chocolate. It’s all just too much.

Sometimes I just wish for the old days, and eat a few donuts. Ahhhh!