A Prequel (because I’ve always wanted a prequel)

Before I start, I want to say something. Of course, even after what I just said I understand I’ve already started simply by saying, “Before I start…” However, before I continue starting… Now there’s an interesting statement. Can one truly ‘continue starting’? I mean starting is something pretty well defined. I guess I really can’t say any of this crap is accurate, and should probably start over. That I can do. All of my high school English instructors say I can.

 Either way, I want to say something, and it’s not said lightly. I have done research on this point, and even made practical attempts to do it myself. Ohh, the manufacturers will deny this, but they are only trying to save their own hides. For you see, I have learned, after hours of trials and disappointments, that there is only one easy way to install a toilet seat, and this is to hire somebody else to do it for you. End of statement.

The seat makers will argue there are bolts and plastics which make this job simple. HA! It is not simple. It is a pain in the arse. The nuts are thin and the bolts long making a ratchet impossible. Ninety percent of the job can’t be seen, so you’re feeling your way through the disease riddled muck of years.

Toilets are in tight corners no human fits in. If I could a teach rat to use tools, it would have a hard time doing the job, assuming it consented to risk its life. The plague was one thing, but this mess? NO!

The tale

Anyway, I’ve said my piece; I give you the Tale of Sir Ohh! And the Evil Home Repair. (you’ll have to imagine the music)

     ♫ I sing you the tale of the brave Mr. Ohh! Who mounted his steed to the home store did go. The beast was quite fast with a beautiful tan, Alst it twern’t a horse, it twas his minivan. Sing caloo and callay and caloo and callay, and I’m not really sure why I’m singing this way. ♪♪

Yea good folk take a seat on the green and listen for a while. Alst I ask is thy enjoy my tale, but if thou art feeling sporty, my hat is in need of a few coins.

It was the last day of summer as autumn brings forth the coloured leaves, and wives wishes for husbands to get off their fat… cushions and do some jobs about the house. It was this way for the famed Mr. Ohh!. For sooth he had promised to replace the cracked toilet seat for nigh on these three months. Time had caught him, alst his wife, he could object no longer.

The journey

This is how, without a bracer of coffee, Mr. Ohh! made his way to the home store, to procure a new seat. It was there he met the sphinx. A large female, sporting an apron, breathing fire and riddle:

I have time naught, for you or others.

Who don’t first check, you stupid mothers…

I know you can’t answer, my anger not sated!

But is your bowel round, or elongated?

The sphinx’s riddle confused Mr. Ohh! He had not checked. He had no Idea there was more than one type. The creatures unholy glare made him sore afraid. He had to answer, lest he face the wrath of this beast. He mustered his courage, looked the thing in the eye, and said, “Elongated,” without the slightest idea of what the word meant. But tidings, were in his side, the beast stepped aside, grabbed a box from a shelf, charged him thirty in the coin of the realm, and he was on his way.

Sadly, as with most hasty decisions, he was wrong, so it was back to the home store for a round seat. Upon, returning to his dwelling he entered the diseased Cavern of Tightness, oft called the toilet corner. He was ill prepared for this dangerous endeavor. Barely escaping with his life, he learned two things; First, the bolts were covered in rust. They would require magic to be removed, and second, he had naught the weapon for this job. Plyers weren’t gonna cut it!

 ♫ Now I am no Oracle This isn’t happy or nice, but it’s never a project ‘til you’ve been to home store thrice. Sing hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny nor. What can I say? Most times it’s four. ♪♪

The market and cavern

Mr. Ohh! had to travel to a great market to get the things he needed. First, he slipped into a purveyor of potions to find something to beat the rust beast. There he found a magic called Penta-rating Oil. This was supposed to dispel rust from surfaces and into cracks. An amazing brew he had never heard of. Yes, he left the place with his purse lighter, but if this worked, he would be elevated to a plus-three wizard. Next to the blacksmith for a truly odd weapon, a five-eighths open-end box wrench, with a ratchet head. Such a thing could only come from the dwarf forges in the caverns below the foreboding stone mountains. Yet, here one was, still encased in plastic, having never been named. He purchased it from the merchant, held it aloft, and called it, “Mine.” The name being accepted by the weapon, Mr. Ohh! returned to the Cavern of Tightness.

Upon the return to the cavern, he had a new level of excitement. He entered, and sprayed the potion liberally, and waited, twenty minutes, as per instructions. This was powerful magic. So powerful in fact, the first bolt sheared off, and the seat no longer stayed put. There was no way to break the second nut, because the seat kept moving. Mr. Ohh! started using the ancient tongue, screaming words whose meanings made sailors blush. A local queen found him, and kicked him ferociously for using such foul language in front of the small folk. Finally, after a long and furious battle between Mr. Ohh! and the wild Toilet Seat, in which much blood spilt, and a finger broken, he wedged the seat into the wall.  Releasing a mighty howl of courage, Mine, the mighty wrench, broke the hold of the second nut and victory, was assured. Thus, the cracked seat lay dead on the floor, never to harm again. Mr. Ohh! stood upon the vanquished foe, raised the wrench in the air, and screamed triumphant.

But there is never true success

The new seat, tamer than its predecessor, had but a single flaw. The evil manufacturers neglected to mention the fiber nuts hadn’t been threaded. Try threading one on a plastic bolt, hidden under a toilet, in a dark tight cavern, with a broken finger. Highly difficult, if not impossible. Then try to remove the not threaded, ninety-percent on, plastic nut to figure out what’s wrong. Less difficult, but not easy.

♫ And that is my tale of the brave Mr. Ohh! A tale of sadness, a tale of woe. He bled, he was broken, but achieved his desires, At least he didn’t set nothing on fire. Sing caloo and callay and caloo and callay, I hope you all laughed, and are willing to pay. ♪♪