It’s all Greek to me

In Greek Mythology there was this cool dude named Jason. Now, Jason was the heir to some throne or another, but his father was imprisoned and killed just for being the heir to some throne or another. Back then that kind of thing happened a lot. Frankly, I’m glad I’m not heir to anything, but I’m getting off topic.

Anyway, the goddess Hera, who didn’t like the guy who was doing all that imprisoning stuff, sent Chiron, a centaur, to teach Jason all kinds of hero stuff. It never says why it had to be a horse-dude who did the training. I would’ve preferred someone who looked more like Rhonda Rousey, the great MMA fighter. I mean, what can a dude learn from a horse? But frankly, women had fewer rights five-thousand-years ago. So, they went with the horse guy.

Either way, Jason built a great ship, did lots of heroic stuff, and reclaimed his rightful throne. Yea!! This is not my point. I’m sad to say it took me so many words to avoid making my point, but there you have it. However, I can say tell you my secondary point, which is; Jason is considered to be the world’s first hero. Funny, I’m still talking and I haven’t made my primary point yet. Let’s get to it Mr. Ohh! That last bit was directed from me to me.

Bear with me for another moment while I get back to Jason. You see, after Jason did all his heroic stuff his wife, Medea, cast a ‘Bad Luck’ spell on him. He eventually lost his kingdom in an extreme high-stakes poker game, where he was holding three aces. Became poor, and so boring, even grandkids wouldn’t sit and listen to his heroic stories. Eventually as a broken old man, he was walking on the beach, where his once mighty ship fell apart, and crushed him. That’s my point! He died!

In the Greek myths heroes did great stuff, then went to the great beyond. Even Perseus, son of Zeus, and slayer of Medusa, eventually stopped doing heroic stuff. In Perseus’s case there is some confusion as to how he passed on; Some say he took his own life by looking at Medusa’s severed head. He might have been killed by a vengeful son of the king he killed. Or he might have just jumped in to the sky one day and turned into stars. Who knows? Who cares? The point is, he retired.

Super Long

Fast forward to today. A hero is forever. We have six-million television channels and movie studios all over the world. Yet we’re making Superman movies eighty-six years into it. Nine separate people have played The Man of Steel on radio television and the movies. Most of them are retired, but old ‘Blue Tights’ lives on.

Spiderman’s even worse. He’s supposed to be around eighteen. Eventually, he gets a bit too experienced, so the comic books just bleep over to another dimension, and rebuild him from the ground up. I have heard his origin story so many times I’m having nightmares, and cold-sweats. Although, that could be my daughter learning to drive, but I don’t want to think about that. So, let’s just go with the Spiderman thing.

Spider What??

The latest iteration is some weird thing called ‘The Spider-Verse’. Would someone tell me what they were drinking that day? Because I want some! Apparently, there is a spider hero in every universe out there. There is even a Porky-Pig Spiderman, in his universe. But tha tha tha that’s not all folks. There are women, men, old, young, black, white, purple and electric spider-people.  Not all of them were the cool tights. One wears a black overcoat and fedora made out of shadows. How he sewed a shadow into clothing, I have no idea. But I do know this krap did not exist before marijuana was legal. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

The reason I bring all this up is, I was talking to a publisher for my book, this past month. They were only mildly interested. Ohh well. The problem was, the biggest question she had was, “How many sequels do you think it’ll have?” I answered truthfully. “I never thought of any sequels. I ended the story here.” You could hear that woman hang up the phone in the next county. I guess that was the wrong answer.

Very bookish

I’m sorry, but I grew up on Heinlein, Asimov, and Bradbury. Those guys never wrote a sequel, or at least, never wrote intending to write a sequel. Also, their books were about three-hundred pages and they told great stories. These days, for some unknown reason, publishers want thousand-page tomes, with seven sequels. You can’t keep a character that long. They get stale.

I was reading one of those books. Instead of a good riveting story, I got three love stories, a heart-breaking journey of someone’s hamster’s terminal disease, a cross country map described in great detail, and the beginning of a tale about an alien invasion to be continued in the third book. The second book was reserved for the hamster’s funeral, and the introduction of a mysterious stranger. No thank you.

A sequel is fine if you have enough story, but frankly most of the time you don’t. Most good novelists can get away with a trilogy. Three and out. After that you’re repeating yourself. Sorry it’s boring.

About 5 too many

I just saw the newest Indiana Jones movie. That’s number five. I can sum it up in one word, “Don’t.” There was none of the magic of the original. Plus, he’s an old man, not a swashbuckling rogue. They made no bones about it. It starts out, “Hi, I’m an old man.” No kidding, Sherlock.

It’s time for Indiana Jones to die. Let’s remember him as the cool guy not the broken-down loser. What are they thinking? It’s not like they did it to make money. It lost one-hundred-thirty-four-million in one weekend. That’s more money than it took to make the first movie, and that one’s still raking in royalties to this day.

Or fifty too many

While we’re at it, I wonder if there’s anyone else, we can kill? Batman, Superman, my brother? Ohh, sorry. But he keeps coming back all the time as well. The real stupid one is Jessica Fletcher. She’s supposed to be a writer who solves mysteries. There are fifty-six books in this series written by five different authors. None of them Jessica Fletcher. Apparently, she’s not a very good writer if she can’t write her own stories. Everyone she meets dies. Why not her?

Now, I’m no Hollywood producer or Publisher but I’m noticing a trend. To heck with new protagonists. Just rerun names people know. Heck, I hear they’re rerunning another version of Sherlock Holmes.

Of course, you can’t just redo stuff. You have to add an artsy reality. When they did Riverdale, they turned Archie Comics into Count Dracul’s Transylvania. Sure, dark reality is cool, but you can’t mess with Jughead.

Maybe I’m living in the past. From now on, I’m picking one post to just repeat over and over every week. I’ll be as popular as Hollywood and all the new books.