What we didn’t want

You know what I like about computers? Nothing!! And the real problem is they’re everywhere. You can’t go to your own kitchen without being followed by a computer. I just got a new toaster and there’s a freaking computer in it. I don’t know why? It’s not like the computer can go to the cupboard, get the bread, load it, and bring it to me on a plate. Actually, I wouldn’t want it to. I just bet it couldn’t keep the crumbs out of the jelly.

No. What the computer does is send an alert to my phone when the toast is done. Whatever happened to standing in the kitchen for three minutes? Do they really think I’m so busy, I can’t stop back, and check the toaster? Admittedly, I’m nuts, but I’m not that stupid. I’m old enough to understand that if you put bread in the toaster, in a few short minutes you’ll have toast. Heck, by the time I’ve spilled boiling hot coffee on the counter, burned my hand cleaning it up, and cursed the world for my mistake, the toast is done. I never even made it out of the kitchen.

Of course, to use this modern feature you must have the toaster ap installed on your phone. Do they think I’m glued to my phone. Sure, I did glue my fingers together when Super Gluing that cup once. But I never let that glue near my phone. Chances are that phone’s still on the nightstand where I’ll forget about it until I’m late and am screaming about not being able to find it. Mornings are hell around my house before caffeine.

What we got

Then again, some idiot took a whole lot of time creating that ap. Not only will it annoy you when the toast is done. It allows you to set the amount of toasting, with separate settings for bread, bagels, toaster pastries, and one more for in case you can’t burn your food to charcoal on any of the others. Which I’m sure you can.

What ever happened to turning the little dial with numbers? That was easy. If it was overdone at six, I turned it to four and all was well. Now I have to look at various shade of brown, which mean nothing, and have to decide. Also instead of ten numbers, I now have a hundred-fifty. Way too many for a guy who’s half asleep without his morning stimulants.

The real sad part is the blasted thing doesn’t have a manual mode. I can’t turn off all the crap and just toast some bread. The online manual says I can, but that requires downloading the ap, disabling nine features separately, and sacrificing a goat. I followed the directions four times and I still can’t do it. I even watched a video on my laptop, but that was no help. The camera was too far away from the pentacle drawn on the floor. Besides, the smoke from the candles and incense fogged up the picture.    

What some Idiot thought we wanted

Naturally, the marketing geeks don’t mention any of those things on the outside of the box. The only thing there is, an announcement that you can have warm toast right when you get up. That’s in big bright letters all over the packaging. There are two issues with this; First, if you take bread out of the bag at ten pm, by morning it’s already dry as a dessert. Second, you can never predict which minute you’ll get to the toaster. The coffee may be hot in the automatic pot, but the toast is ice-cold and dry as a bone by the time you get there.

Then again if I choose to get my toast at a restaurant, the computers are still there. The servers come right to your table with one, to take your order. No more writing things down on a pad. What could be wrong with that, you ask? I’ll tell you. Yes, things are more accurate with the devices. However, when it comes to splitting the bill between you and your three friends, accuracy is the enemy.

No more getting extra sour cream and having the server forget to put it on the bill. No more showing up at shift-change and getting a price break, because the waitress wants to go home after you’ve been sitting for over an hour. And especially, no more can you slink by ordering a little extra, and having the check split four ways. They know exactly what you ordered and you have to pay correctly. Don’t they understand, it’s these little cheats that made America the great country it is. Then again, it’s also what made inflation what it is, but we’re not talking about that.

What could Be sillier

And, it’s not just food where strange computers show up. My brother recently bought a reclining chair, with no reclining controls. You have to get the ap and the controls are electronic. Now, I’ve sat in that chair. It’s very comfortable, but there’s a problem. What if the electronics break? What if I’m stuck in the reclined position and can’t put my feet down, because of those faulty electronics and my toast burns?

I guess I could go to the Door Dash ap, request some food, and have the driver help me out of the chair. I guaranty they’d get five stars, and a review like; “Great driver. The food was nice and hot. Also, he saved my life by getting my but out of the evil chair trying to eat me.” Then again, if the chair has that sophisticated electronic brain, maybe it could call Door Dash and order a person to eat. Either way, I won’t be sitting in it again. I also gave my brother a big stick, in case he has to beat it back someday.

What about a hero

Of course there’s always Lester Greenbaum. Yes, it’s a funny name, but he’s a funny guy. Lester is the anti-computer. When Lester’s around computers just go on the fritz. He’s the kind of guy that always gets his money’s worth when buying extended warranties. He’s had twenty-seven phones over the years, but paid for only one. Want to test the quality of any electronic device? Call Lester. It will malfunction while he’s walking up the steps to your porch. He’s that good, or bad, whatever.

I’m not real great friends with Les, but I love taking him to lunch. Three times out of ten the ordering system will go on the fritz while he’s there. All of a sudden, the wait staff can’t make their touch-screens work. Actually, I have no idea if I’ve paid less or even more because of the unexplained outages he’s caused. But It’s always entertaining watching the staff trying to fix them.

What hero?

I will admit while Les’s bad luck is a source of laughter, it scares me sometimes. I occasionally have to travel with him. When I do, I never take an airplane. It might be a crazy superstition, but it’s a safe one.

No one knows why things go kafratz when Les is around. Then again, I don’t know why toasters, and recliners need computers. So, it all works out.