Questions that don’t need answers

The question has often been asked; “What Kind of idiot do you think I am??” This question fascinates me, because it implies there are multiple kinds of idiots. In my humble opinion there is only one kind. An idiot is an idiot. i.e. Someone who does idiotic things. Little things, big things they’re all simply idiots.

I will admit there are ranks of idiots, and I’m proud to say that’s where the IIP comes into play. Those famed initials should strike fear into the hearts of idiots everywhere. Sadly, they don’t. Why?? Because the people who should be fearful are… well, idiots.

Folowing the idiots

Now, you folks unquestionably are not idiots. How do I know this? Simple, you follow Mr. Ohh!. I do my best to keep you informed about all the idiotic things going on out there. However, like those cops who eventually break the law with the intention of bringing law-breakers to justice, I must identify myself as an idiot. But stand tall, remember I’m doing this for you.

The initials IIP stand for; The Idiotic Idiot Patrol. This is a united group of idiots, sworn to play all their idiotic pranks only to other idiots. And I’m proud to say, I’m one of the founding fathers. For non-idiots like yourselves, this concept might be hard to grasp. So let me give you an example.

It’s just an example

Say you driving down the highway, and the speed limit is X. Most folks will be traveling at X+5, and happily move over to let faster traffic pass. This is intelligent behavior, because it maximizes your speed, and minimizes the risk of being arrested, or attacked by dinosaurs. Hey I saw Jurassic Park. T-Rexs always go for the vehicle drawing the most attention to themselves.

Now, stupid idiots drive at a higher rate of speed. Say, X+15 or 20. As they blow past, the smart folks shake their heads, call them maniacs, then continue playing the boring license-plate game. Intelligent and normal.

I, on the other hand, drive at a constant X+10. Yes, those smarties frown at me as I pass, but never ger too excited. I do it slowly. However, my silly behavior drives the reckless ones mad. You see, as I consistently pass the slower folks, I become a terrible annoyance to the faster ones. I can’t move to the slower lane, because I’m moving so much faster than they are. I end up with a parade of angry simpletons who are forced to slow down for me.

I wish I could pass out flags, so we’d be truly colorful. On the other hand, their red angry faces, white knuckles, and blue neck veins do add a patriotic feel. Admittedly, this is a stupid thing to do. But my idiocy is only rude to the idiots. It’s targeted, and never directed at the innocent.

I sailing away

I’ve heard there are roads in Europe which have no speed limits. How is that any fun? Without a rule, how do you know if you’re breaking it? Additionally, I’ve been led to believe, folks are courteous, and move over when a faster car approaches. That’s just rude! In a very non-rude kind of way. That settles it. I’m never going there.

You might think; It stupid of me to abandon a whole continent due to a few roads, and it is. But think about it. My arrogance is only harming me. A simple case of idiocy annoying an idiot. The IIP would be proud.

Don’t worry, It’s handled

IIP canvases the entire world looking to annoy other idiots into repenting their idiotic ways. At least I think they do. I mean, it’s what their supposed to do, but one can never know for sure. They’re idiots as well. Communication is not a highly developed skill in us. Because of this sometimes you can’t tell the IIP from their intended victims.

Take my neighbor across the street, Neal; He gets annoyed with my family because my son parks his car in the street near his house. You see, each home owner is only supposed to have two cars and my son’s makes three. His next-door-neighbor has four cars, but also brews some mighty fine beer, and doesn’t mind sharing. Consequently, no one messes with Ben.

Or maybe not

Anyway, Neal, scowls at me every time he sees me. Frankly, I don’t think he’d crack a smile if the Swedish Bikini Team stopped over, carrying steaks, and football tickets. But this is beside the point. I, being an IIP operative, always greet him with a big annoying grin, and never forget to say, “Have a great day.” Do you see the problem here? Here’s two confirmed idiots doing everything they can to annoy the snot out of the other.

It’s totally possible he’s been recruited into the IIP, and doesn’t know I’m one of its commanders. Then again, he could be just a seriously, top-level ass, and I should be promoted for treating him the way I do. Hmm, how does the leader of an organization get promoted? And to what? Now, there is a stupid question worthy of my demented brain. I’ll have to work on it. Or forget about it completely. One of the two.

Buit seriously folks

Sadly, however, the IIP is currently facing a crisis of a magnitude it has never before seen. With everyone carrying handheld computers in their pockets, and AI making so many decisions, it’s getting harder and harder to determine if we should intervene with our lunacy. Remember, we seek only to harm the dunces, and leave others unscathed.

Happily, I’ve come up with a simple test to make the determination. If you see a person staring down at their phone, and look up just in time to avoid walking into a pole, that’s a true idiot. Of course, if they smash into the pole that’s an idiot as well. The determining factor comes when they actually place the phone into their pocket. This is how you know there’s hope. Probably not much, but some.

And the hits just keep on coming

Another issue is, so many idiots are untouchable behind technology. Take ads on your device for instance. The game you’re playing is free, but it’s interrupted every thirty seconds by ads for other games. You’re already playing their game. To me the programmers are saying, “This game sucks! Try something else!!”

Here’s another one of my favorites; The constant ads screaming, “You can make a bazillion bucks playing solitaire.” Listen, if this were true, and folks could make cash playing games, they wouldn’t have to advertise it so heavily. Something’s going on.

Conspiracy theory

Here’s what I think; There’s a secret organization out there trying to turn the smart folks into idiots, making them stare at their phones all day trying to make fifty cents. This is what the IIP is fighting against. Well, that and having a bit of fun at the expense of others. But this is beside the point.

The point is, we need your help. The IIP is disorganized and underfunded. Hey, we’re idiots too you know. So, open your wallets and send me all the cash inside.

 I understand, you probably won’t do this.

But I’m sure you know some idiots.

There’s a lot of them out there!!