Start with a song

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling why. Santa Claus is coming to town. We’ve all heard this holiday tune about a million times. In reality I haven’t got a clue if you’ve heard it or not. I just thought this was a good way to start my post. Actually, the song itself has very little to do with what I’m going to talk about. So, if you haven’t heard it, just pretend you have, and I’ll get on with it.

I brought up the song because it’s about Santa Claus. Around this time, Santa is everywhere. Thing is, he is shrouded in mystery. How do the reindeer fly? Why does he live at the north pole? How does he know who’s naughty? How does he get his fat butt down a chimney after eating a billion cookies? These questions and many others surround the big man causing sleepless nights for children, and strangely afflicted adults, everywhere.

They roam around my mind as well, and I will now state proudly that I’m not going to address any of them. You might be happy about this, Or, you might cry, “Mr. Ohh! please…” Either way I’m going to leave this all a mystery. Why? Because that’s what I’m here to discuss; The Other Mysteries Surrounding Christmas.

Yeaa I hear you

Take holiday carols for instance. I recently saw a list of the top twenty-five Christmas songs of all time. Believe it or not eleven of them were, Do You Hear What I Hear, sung by eleven different artists. Agreed this song is beautiful and very apropos for the season. The mystery comes when you ask the question, “How can one song be eleven songs?” It doesn’t make sense. It’s eleven versions of the same song. But not according to the list.

While we’re on the subject; Why did a hundred-seventeen different artists record this one song over the years? Normally these are very talented people. They’ve written millions of tunes. Then suddenly November shows up and creativity goes flying out the window. Everybody just sings the same stuff. At first, I thought it might be brain-freeze but most of them live in California where the weather never changes. Like Sants it’s another Christmas mystery.

Well crack my nuts

Then there’s The Nutcracker. It’s a beautiful ballet. The mystery comes with the fact that millions of folks who normally don’t give a fig about ballet, suddenly have to see it. My brother makes it a point to go twice every year. First with his wife then a second time with a bunch of work friends who’ve made it a tradition. This is fine except for the fact that he admits openly he hates ballet.

You have to understand this, so I repeat, he pays over two-hundred-dollars to do something twice that he didn’t want to do in the first place. His wife is even nuttier. I asked her last June, if she wanted a couple of tickets to Swan Lake, that I’d gotten for free. She said, “No thanks, I’m not really a big fan.” So, here’s two people who aren’t fans of an art form, who go see something they don’t like every year. It’s a true Christmas mystery.

And why a nutcracker for crying out loud. Uncle Drosselmeyer could have given that girl anything. Why would he decide to give her a nutcracker. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m glad Tchaikovsky didn’t decide to give the girl a spatula. It’s much more useful, but it would have made a much weirder ballet.  Especially when a drawer full of kitchen utensils has to fight for the girl’s honor against all the bad food from the fridge. But I think I’m getting off topic. Either way, we’re stuck with a mystery, and a bunch of useless nutcrackers cluttering up the place.

That’s minty fresh

Then there’s peppermint. I have nothing against it. I actually have peppermint tea in my cupboard right now. But, why is it associated with Christmas? The plant itself is a weed, and usually dies back around October. By Christmas it’s dead and brown and has no smell at all. Yet, at holiday time it’s suddenly recolored as red and white, and beaten into our heads as the only holiday flavor worth mentioning.

This doesn’t make sense. Peppermint is available year-round. It’s not like fruit cake, or panettone, or kransakake that’s only made once a year. No. You can buy peppermint every day. It comes in candies, gum, oils and even body lotions. I’m not sure why anyone would want to smell like that, but they can do it in August as well as during the holiday.

Then there’s the color. Around the holidays Peppermint is red and white striped. But if you’re buying gum, red means cinnamon. Peppermint gum is in a green package. Also, most of the year peppermint candy is white, with maybe a splash of red as an afterthought. Not in December. Suddenly everything’s striped like a barber pole. Why? It’s a mystery.

Back to the future

Here’s another mystery to unravel. Did you know that marketing execs can time travel at this time of the year. I wouldn’t have thought it possible but the proof is in print for all to see. It’s kind of a difficult concept so let me explain it this way. When stores have an Easter sale, it happens on or around Easter. The day after Easter suddenly it’s a spring sale. The same is true with back to school. Once the kids are back the sale goes away. But Christmas is different.

It’s still a week before the holiday and I’ve seen about a half dozen stores displaying their, After Christmas Sales. How can this be? I’ve double-checked the calendar several times and it’s not after the holiday, it’s still before. Yet their sales have traveled through time and space to show us all a glimpse of the future. Frankly I’m not very impressed with their version of the future. I expected more flying cars, but this is beside the point.

Seriously, how can you have an after-holiday sale when it’s obviously still before? Does this mean I have to wait to get the advertised prices? If I go into their store, will it be six days from now when I come out? Will Lassie ever come home? Oh wait, that’s really not important to the topic. Ignore the last question. But the others are completely valid. I really need some answers before I go shopping. 

Listen, I’ve seen enough science-fiction to know time-travel never ends well. I could walk into the store, think I was only there for a moment, and I find out I was in there for a week. Worse yet, they never say if the advertised sale is after the current Christmas? What if it’s after Christmas 2029? By then my wife could have cashed in on my insurance, moved to Barbados, and hooked up with some young cabana boy named Raul. You just never know!

And a very Happy Holiday to all

Well, I don’t have all the answers. But I can wish you all a very Merry Christmas. And if you want it to be mysterious…

Come to my house and meet my Aunt Muriel!!