A while back I was looking for a new position. No! Not that kind of position! I was looking for a new job. Now, don’t you feel bad, for having such dirty thoughts? Anyway, once you’ve cleansed your mind you’ll probably be thinking, “C’mon Mr. Ohh!. A multi-talented person such as yourself must have people throwing money at you.” Well yes, this could have been the case, but I shun such things so I can remain humble. (In other words, I WISH.)
Either way, I have to admit things have changed a bit since I last hit the streets about fifteen years ago. The first amazing change is, you don’t apply for a job anymore. You select a company. If truth be told, I don’t give a crap about which company hires me, just hire me, pay me big bucks, and I’ll be loyal. Promise. But you can’t even look for a job until you make a selection. The way you make said section is, you go to the company’s website and set up an employment account. You can’t even look at the job board until you have one. I went to a large company’s site in my area, created an account, with a unique password of course. This took ten minutes. Then, and only then, was I able to go to the job board and see there was nothing for me. I did this for six companies, and yes, I committed the ultimate cardinal sin. I wrote the passwords down.
I understand the security concerns. If my dog ever gets hold of this sheet, he could conceivably put me in for hundreds of jobs I’m not qualified for. OH, the horror. Some selection computer might, even at this very moment, be laughing at me, while at the same time be tossing my resume’ into the recycle bin. Egad, this knowledge might actually make me lose sleep for ten seconds. In other words, I’m not too concerned.
What I am concerned about is the next step in the process, the dreaded Personality Test. You know the one I’m talking about. They ask you, if you would be tempted to steal if someone handed you a million dollars in cash. What kind of idiot wrote a question like that? Of course, you would be tempted. That doesn’t mean you would take it, but everyone is tempted. This is a clear case of a prospective employer asking you to lie. So, if lying is one of your core strengths, this is the question for you. On another part of the test, they want you to compare stupid stuff like: Which is worse, stealing a pen purchased by the company, or sitting through your boss’s kid’s elementary school band concert. Both are not right. But you are faced with a moral dilemma deciding the answer. And you can’t move on until you choose.
By the way, this test is usually conducted by a hired firm, which means another log-in and one more password that you’re not allowed to write down. Currently, the list I haven’t written, (Wink), doesn’t have thirty-seven passwords on it.
There is a way around this. Sort of. You can sign up with a job-hunt website. The thing is, these sites link to all the other job websites. So, you can search one site, then select a job and be asked to log into a second site, which in turn takes you to the company site for another log-in. Three passwords, one job. Just don’t forget, you will probably will have to log into a Personality Test as well. The thing is, with all of this run-around, you really don’t know where you heard about the job, and that’s the first question they’ll ask you in the phone interview.
While we are on the subject of the phone interview, I have a quick question. How many e-mails does it take to make a phone call? The answer is a minimum of three with an unknown maximum. You see, if a prospective employer wants you to have a phone interview, they have to send you an e-mail asking if you’re available. You respond with a second, stating your availability. The caller then sends a third to tell you when they will call. By the way, this will be a lie. If you consider my experience, they will call between a half-hour to two hours late, but that’s just me. Sorry about the interruption, but the point is this was three e-mails. This assumes you don’t have any conflicts. Conflicts will increase the number of e-mails exponentially. Why can’t anybody just call? It’s not like you have anything to do. I mean you don’t have a job or anything. That’s why you need a phone interview. Also, if you’re drunk that day and don’t answer the phone, the interviewer will leave a message. You can call back when you sober up. Worst possible case: two communications instead of four. I should get an award for my efficiency.
The goal of a phone interview is to determine a candidate’s worthiness for a real interview with HR, which in turn is to determine your worthiness to actually talk to someone who can hire you. So, really the only thing you want to do in each is to get to the next step. Trust me, bribery doesn’t help. Neither do jokes, compliments and promises of marriage. This is due to the fact the interviewer is reading all the questions off a paper and writing down the answers verbatim. Someone else evaluates you. I guess you could answer, “My greatest fault is that I tend to bribe anyone who can advance my career. It might work, but the potential for it to backfire is enormous. Imagine getting the job and a year from now being offered an evaluation. They’re going to know this answer and expect something, year after year, after year. You won’t be able to keep it up. This is just one of those mistakes that will follow you forever.”
Anyway, I was lucky with my search and secured a position in just four months, of sixty-hour search weeks. It was such a relief to get a job. It really freed up a bunch of my time. In case you’re wondering if I can give you a few pointers in your endeavors, the answer is no. I truly have no idea how I got hired. I just got a call from out of the blue. I guess I could ask my uncle, after all he owns the company. Maybe my interviewing skills aren’t what they should be, but family is family.
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