Yes, But Is It REALLY That Good??

Boy, that must be some good coffee! I really don’t know. The reason is simple. I can’t get near the place. You see I sometimes take my kids to school at seven o’clock. When I do, I pass three fast food places and a doughnut shop. The thing is, there are at least three hundred cars in the drive through lines at all four places. How great must that stuff be for someone to wait in a line like that?? The answer is: not very.

I mean doughnuts are pretty darn good. That being said, they’re not good enough for me to wait in a line for half an hour. And those fast food breakfasts are average at best. Yet every morning the dawn patrol is stuck there in a line thirty cars deep. I mean it. That line backs up out from the window, goes around the building, continues into the street, and ends up somewhere between here and Kalamazoo, Michigan. And there are still dummies getting in the end of it.

I know some of these folks. They’re the ones who come into work ten minutes late, with a ‘to go’ cup full of coffee, complaining about traffic. However, when they talk to their supervisor, they have such great stories. “You see, I was behind this pink Volvo with a ‘Baby On Board’ sign in the back window. Just then the median strip burst into flames. The Volvo driver accelerated to get past the danger when it hit a bump in the road. Having enough speed to get airborne it flew toward the inferno in the middle of the highway. I had to do something. So, I pulled over and put on the fireproof suit I keep in the trunk. The heat was incredible, but with my excellent eyesight, now you know why I eat so many carrots at lunch, I was able to locate the distressed vehicle and get everyone to safety. The driver was so shook-up she needed a moment to clear her head. Thinking only of her sanity, I took her to the McBurger’s place, and in her gratitude, she bought me a cup of coffee. I tried to refuse her seventeen times but, in the end, had to accept, otherwise I would have been really late for work.” Once excused from the boss’s office, they’re back on the floor complaining about traffic. I guess if you’re going to tell a lie, it may as well be a whopper.

The thing is you can never tell them sensible stuff like: why don’t you try leaving ten minutes earlier? Or maybe you should just skip the coffee and be on time.  No, those words have no meaning to those line-lubbers who are addicted to the ‘Drive-Thru’ Theirs is a potent drug. The allure is just too much for them and they can’t help themselves.  Time for an intervention? It just won’t work. I have personal experience in this matter.

You see, about a year ago my car broke down and I had to catch a ride with a coworker. I never suspected he was a Drive-Thru Junkie. He looked normal to me. Well, he picked me up and causally queried if I was hungry. Not understanding the magnitude of the question, I gave a noncommittal nod. “Great,” he beamed. “I’ll buy you a cup of coffee.” About ten seconds later we pulled up behind a parked car. I wondered why we stopped because there seemed to be nothing nearby. Just then, to my extreme surprise, the car in front of us started and moved ten feet. We moved as well and that’s when I knew the trouble I was in. You see, about five-hundred yards ahead was a Mc- Burger’s and we were in the ‘Drive-Thru’ line.

Then the complaining started. He screamed about the slowness of the line, the idiots in the other cars, and he used especially colorful language when referring to the employees. I suggested we skip the line and just get some coffee at the gas station around the corner. He screamed indicating how stupid I was. The gas station would take us five minutes out of our way. That’s when I learned it is far better to languish for half an hour than take a five-minute side trip. Silly me!

In time, he slowed his grumbling to a low boil. I, in turn, decided it was better to keep quiet. That is, I said nothing until there was no longer any possibility of us being at work on time. Coincidentally, this was also the moment we hit the driveway. I asked what he wanted. He told me and before he could say anything else, I jumped out of the car and went inside. To my shock and surprise the place was virtually empty. No line. Just two old guys sitting at a table solving all the world’s problems, and some haggard looking woman sipping coffee. I’m not sure if she was trying to wake up enough to get to work, or stay awake long enough to get home from a busy night.

Either way, I walked up to the counter and ordered our stuff from a very bored teenage girl who breathed a sigh of relief just to have someone speak to her. In less than a minute she had our sandwiches and coffees. She thanked me for giving her simple life a bit of purpose. When the tears of joy started flowing, I saw she needed a moment and I walked out the door.

By this time, my friend had made it to the far end of the restaurant, about three cars away from the ordering station. I got back in only to discover how hopeless of a Drive-Thru Junkie he was. I showed him the bag and cups but he refused to accept that they existed. He complained the stuff I had just couldn’t be right because I hadn’t waited long enough. I eventually convinced him to taste the coffee and muffin sandwich. His eyes glowed for a second, and I really thought his brain would engage long enough for us to get out of that line, and get moving. Sadly, it was too much for him. He quivered for a long moment trying to figure things out, then downed the hot coffee in one gulp. He then writhed in pain for three full minutes, his mouth burned from the hot liquid. Then he suddenly smiled. Speaking in a high raspy voice he thanked me. Told me how delicious it was. Then moved the car forward in line, indicating the cup was empty and he needed another one. I gave up and accepted the fact I would be late for work.

Do you understand how terrible of a disease this is? And it affects thousands of poor souls every morning, as well as lunchtime. Something must be done for these afflicted people. There needs to be a research foundation, and it needs your help. Please send your entire life savings to me. I will make sure this horror is investigated. (I will also make doubly sure the obtained results are vague and that I require much more cash for a long time to come) Thank You for your support.

Hey everyone. Thanks for reading Mr. Ohhs! Sideways view. I hope you’re having as much fun as I am. If you like it, I bet a friend of yours will like it too. Share it on Facebook or send them this link They’ll love you for it and might even return all the stuff they borrowed. Hey It Could Happen! (if you don’t have any friends, I’ll step up for the low low price of just $5/week)

If you have comments, want to discuss the Dunkin’ vs Starbucks controversy, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at I’d love to hear from you


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