There are things better than Facebook

Oh boy, is Mark Zuckerberg in trouble, or what? The founder and CEO of Facebook is truly in the hot seat this week. Well, he might’ve felt the heat a bit more if he didn’t require a cushion so that he could put his head above the table, but that’s another story. Either way, he was testifying to a committee about issues surrounding his creation. Now the issues they were talking about were really not as important as the incredible amount of publicity that Mark got from just being there. Whenever I think about that I am truly, truly amazed. It boggles my mind that in this day and age the simple idea of setting up people talking to each other, finding old friends, and being able to take pictures of your food, could make someone billions and billions of dollars.

I mean, in the old days when our parents were growing up it, would take weeks to show people pictures of your food. Seriously, to do that you would have to first find your camera, which was probably in that junk drawer, and probably didn’t have film. After loading your instamatic and taking the said photo, you had to take another eleven pictures, you probably didn’t want but you wanted to use up the film. Take the film to a processing lab, wait one week, and pick up and pay for said pictures. Most of these were blurry and had to be thrown away.

Then you would have to throw a party, to gather all your friends together. After all this you could show them the picture of your meal. Sounds kinda cheesy to me, and the expense would be enormous. Every restaurant entrée you wanted to share would cost you a fortune in taco chips and cheese dip. However, on the upside, you would certainly be hosting a lot more parties.

Another thing about the Zuckerberg creation that I find hard to believe is the amount of status and cash that can be made from a simple idea. While computers are amazing, the fact that they reach the world so quickly is mind-boggling. Think about butter for a second. Don’t go running to Google Play, it’s not an app. Come on, you remember butter. It’s that stuff you spread on your toast each morning, that isn’t jelly, peanut butter, schmear, honey, jam, lox, or low-fat imitation tasteless spread. On second thought, with all those other options, I can see why you might have forgotten about butter. Well, let me remind you.

Butter is a dairy product made from cream. The thing is, butter was created before computers existed. Approximately five thousand years before computers existed. Because of which, there were no marketing people or advertisers around at its inception. So, nobody honestly knows who created butter. Consequently, nobody made billions of dollars creating it. And I’m sure it was a more complicated to come up with than say, creating a program so that people could hook up with old school chums they want to make fun of because they got fat, or lost their hair.

I mean really, how did somebody think to take goat or cow’s milk, let it sit for a short time, skim off the cream that’s on top, then shake it around for 2 to 4 hours until it becomes a solid? I’m sure he or she was drunk. Then again, they might’ve just been trying to avoid their loudmouth spouse. I can see the scene now:

UG: Honey come in here!

MEK: Sorry, I milking the cows.

(About two minutes later)

UG: Honey, I want my breakfast!

MEK: Sorry, I have to skim this cream off the top of the milk.

(About two hours later)

UG: ARRGHHH I’m starving to death.

MEK: Don’t worry, I’ll be in right after I jostled the cream around for several more hours. The result will be definitely worth the wait. It’ll be bad for your cholesterol, but you can’t have everything.

About two days later there was UG’s funeral. The poor sap starved to death while MEK was making butter. I guess the moral of the story is don’t piss off your spouse when there’s no such thing as microwave dinners.

Now, I bet you’re thinking, “Wow, all this stuff is fascinating.” But I actually hope you’re thinking, “That’s all well and fine, but butter was always very simple, it never had the controversy that Facebook has faced over the years.” (This thought leads us better into the rest of the story) Au contraire, I say. In the 60s, 70s and early 80s butter became extremely controversial. Everyone thought that a natural product made from cream and virtually nothing else was terrible for you. In response to that great hullabaloo the infamous THEY created margarine. This fake butter, (which tastes nothing like butter, by the way), is created in a laboratory by bubbling hydrogen through vegetable oil. An extremely scientific process which produces a product that has approximately the same consistency as butter, but quadruple the poisons. You gotta love science for looking out for us the way they do.

Now comes the real comparison, Mark Z has apologized for all his alleged mistakes, and promised to change Facebook forever. Butter, on the other hand, never went away even as margarine was killing the population in the name of heart health. And MEK never had to apologize in front of a congressional committee, either (if such committees existed at the time). When the margarine controversy was found to be a lie, butter arose in its original form, never changing and still all natural. MEK’s creation has withstood the test of time. (You should be hearing cheering in the background.)

After all this has been said, we must consider what would have happened if MEK had created butter in this day and age. It would have been marketed, packaged, and sold to the masses making a large profit for its creator. Well that didn’t happen. However, this amazing thing did. I have done my genealogy, shook my family tree, and this interesting bit of fruit fell out. I found I am the last direct descendent of MEK! Therefore, I claim the right to the licensing of all butter. Now people have been using butter for about five thousand years. I am not a greedy person, so I only claim one quarter of a cent for every pound of butter that has ever been sold throughout history. That will probably be very hard to figure out. Therefore, in the efforts of keeping peace and avoiding the disruption of civilization as we know it, I have generously agreed to accept the low sum of one trillion dollars cash. I have submitted my request to the dairy industry and as of this writing, I am still waiting for payment. Please remit as soon as possible. Thank you.

If you have comments, want to discuss the value of granola as a currency, or want me to take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at I’d love to hear from you!

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