Well, don’t I feel proud. I know all of you are thinking, Hey, what’s he got to be proud of? Well, I’ll tell you. I have finally achieved the notoriety I deserve. Ever since I was a teenager, just like all other teenagers, I knew that I was the center of the Universe. And just like all other teenagers, I grew up. As I grew up I learned, perhaps I wasn’t the center of the Universe. Oh, I was dismayed, hurt, baffled, generally upset with the world, and joined the wretched in my meager existence.
However, lately I have become quite elated. Contrary to the opinion of every current teenager, I, yes me, am the center of the Universe. (Insert an orchestral fanfare) There I said it. I can no longer deny it. I must face up to the duties and obligations of being the true and honest center of the Universe. Sounds really awesome, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s not all that and a bag of chips. You see, one would think being the center of the Universe would be a breathtakingly overwhelming thing. Something like a powerful wizard who came with unlimited power, and I could control the orbits of the planets, or perhaps right all the wrongs in the world, maybe even to the ultimate miracle that has plagued mankind for centuries and actually balance my checkbook. But no.
Now I know some of you are asking yourselves, “How can this be?” Others of you are stating, “You certainly must be mistaken. It must be grand to be the center of the Universe.” Still others are repeating, “Did he really say he could balance a checkbook? WOW!” You see, the truth isn’t quite that great. It seems that while I am the center of the Universe and all of its attention is focused on me, the Universe really doesn’t like me very much. So instead of being this all-powerful being, I’m kinda like the whipping boy.
Now, you all probably want verification of these statements. I can provide mountains of proof without even digging deep into the vast theatrical performance which I call my life. Why just today, I was in a hurry to get somewhere, but the Universe decided that I was going to be late and frustrated. Consequently, the Universe made sure every traffic light turned red just as I approached it. The Universe also specified there would be a cop at every intersection to ensure I did not run said red light and waited as long as possible. Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment. Knowing the Universe’s affinity for red traffic lights, I left very early so I would not have to concern myself with time. The Universe, as always carefully weaving its infinite satire, laughed in my face and made every light green. Yes, I was over half an hour early, and had to wait. The Universe, however, made sure I did not wait comfortably. It provided several crying babies, an old man with a flatulence problem, and several news magazines from 1984 to keep me company. Now wasn’t that nice of the Universe? Seeing to my overall discomfort in that way. I guess I should be proud.
Some of you I’m sure are shouting, “Hey, that kind of stuff happens to me too.” You’re probably also wondering if maybe you aren’t the center of the Universe instead of me. Oh, but I wish you were. You see the last two days have been a mere droplet of the mocking levity the Universe throws at me all the time. Two weeks ago, (this story is true I assure you, and yes, I can provide proof), the door handle of my car broke. Now, it had been cracked for some time, so this event did not surprise me, although it did pick an extremely inconvenient time to break. Thanks Universe. I, for my part, dutifully called the mechanic, who asked me to bring it in right away, so he could order the parts. Efficiently, I drove to the shop, he quoted me a price, ordered the parts and I drove home. However, much to my shock and disappointment, the Universe did not find this inconvenient enough for me. So, as I was about halfway home from the mechanic, a great cavernous pothole opened directly in front of me. Yes, I hit it. And yes, it blew out my right front tire. Luckily, I was able to limp the car home with no damage to the rim. Only to call a tow truck, so it could take the car back to the very mechanic that I was at just ten minutes before. They were also only too happy to charge me one hundred dollars for the service. Can’t you just hear the Universe, and his buddy Carl Cosmos, laughing the rings off Saturn?
I realize my strange fate may be mysterious to those of you who believe in evolution and not an all-powerful Supreme Being, who happens, at this time, to be picking on me. You are saying, as with evolution, these are just random events which, given the power of DNA will eventually create a better human being out of the muck which we call civilization. Years ago, I might have agreed with these statements. But now, with these events and many others like them. I realize, the Greater Infinity is out to get me. I have taken great steps to fortify my home in case the Cosmos comes knocking again. I have called The Great Buddha Home Protection Service, paid them an exorbitant fee, and installed the Nirvana 9000 protection plan, complete with motion detectors. I even paid for the extended contract to cover my family and me while we are in our cars. Take that great Zeus, I’d like to see you smite me now. On second thought, no I wouldn’t.
If you have comments, want to discuss how Superman could whip Batman’s butt in a New York minute, or want me to take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at email@example.com I’d love to hear from you!