I’m not sure, but I’m thinking that you might not be able to trust everything you see on the internet. I think some of it might be false. No, I’m not talking about the Russians messing around with elections again, but I think there just might be a foreign power looking to disrupt my happy love life.
You see, lately I have been getting a lot of e-mails from girls who want to date me. At first, I was thinking it was understandable. After all, I am the incredible Mr. Ohh!. Just the name has been making beautiful women swoon for years. But then the messages from a single girl stopped and now I am getting pleas from whole nations of beautiful women who are looking for me and only me. The Russians were first, promising to make my nights warmer. I ignored them. I live on a budget, and having some woman turning up the thermostat every time I’m not looking is one thing I don’t need.
Then I started hearing from the Latin American Lovelies. They were interesting, but with all the garbage congress is bringing up about immigration I wasn’t going to risk it. Imagine if you were snuggling on the sofa and ICE agents burst in and blocked the TV. I mean, there just wouldn’t be enough popcorn for everybody, and don’t get me started about the shortage of soda.
Before those ladies stopped sending me stuff, the Polynesians and other Asians started in enticing me with their ancient secrets. I admit I was getting a little skeptical. Then I got a note from three-hundred Chinese women and I knew they were all lies. Think about it. Since the one-child policy, there are only six-hundred eligible women in China, and six-billion men. Hey, I’m good, but I don’t think half of the women of a country across the world are hot for my bod, when the odds in their own land is ten to one in their favor.
Another clue of the falseness should have been the fact that all those beauties wanted to show me their naked bodies. And while I have nothing against naked women… way too often. Oh, um, what I mean is, it was a little overwhelming. I mean, think about a thousand naked beauties parading themselves in an endless line. OK, now stop thinking about it you perverts. Just for that I’m changing the subject.
The thing is, all those notes from all those women weren’t really serious. They all were just ads for dating sites. They all wanted me to subscribe to these sites, and for just one huge introductory fee, and years of smaller monthly payments, they would connect me with one or more of the bevy of beauties they represented. I was a bit shocked, because I am happily married. Then I read the small print which indicated that if I were married, they would set me up with a discreet affair. Consequently, I have to confess. I really don’t know if all those pretty girls want my bod or not. Those girls who are looking for me are really looking for anybody with the right amount of cash.
Your right I should have known something was up. After all, I have heard of computer dating. I had seen much more direct ads for years. At first, I ignored all these. I mean, who wants to date a computer? Although, those Artificial Intelligence folks keep talking about companion robots who will do everything for you. Now that’s pretty cool. I’ve always wanted a robot that could feed my hamster, drive to the store, pick my nose, and help me cheat on my taxes in one easy step. Sadly, when I called those folks, they told me their robots don’t do any of those things. Their robots do everything a man wants, when he wants it. I just hung up. I’m a man and it wouldn’t do anything I wanted. And why do those ads always emphasize the word ‘everything’? I guess computer dating isn’t for me.
You see, I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to dating. I grew up in a time when girls rejected you right to your face. It was a much easier and less expensive time. You see, in my day, men and women went out with friends. If a guy saw a girl he wanted to meet he just got drunk to raise his courage, went over and introduced himself, said some stupid embarrassing pick-up line, and got kicked in the nether regions. Afterward he would limp back to his friends and order another drink. Meanwhile his good-looking friend would go over to apologize, and ended up dating for six months and married within a year. Easy-Peasy.
Nowadays the whole process has been reduced to some elaborate video game. You subscribe to an app. When you bring it up, the app shows you all the girls in the vicinity who also have the service. You pick one and swipe your phone. She gets a message and decides if she wants to meet you. Next, you spend the rest of the evening looking for each other because neither of you used your actual picture when you downloaded the app. This process is called hooking-up.
Of course, there are still the old scientific websites which use personality tests to determine the two partners compatibility and then make an introduction. The commercials for these sites brag about how many successful marriages they have matched up. There is one caveat though. This assumes both parties are telling the truth. Before I was married, I actually tried one of these sites. First was the fact the lady used a high-school photo when she was forty-six. Her favorite quality in a man was the fact he was breathing. I guess asthmatics need not apply. Next, she said she loved movies. They were Sophies Choice, and Terms Of Endearment. She hated every movie other than those two. She must have had a thing for seeing people die and crying about it all the way home. She liked music, specifically Sitar music. No sitar, don’t play it. The funny thing is, when we met, she said she couldn’t understand why she was still single. The date went south very quickly. I probably shouldn’t have told her why.
Anyway, that’s all behind me now. I am a happily married man with no need for such frivolity. Yes, the ads still try to fill my inbox, but they go immediately to the spam folder. From there I move the pictures to the secret folder no one knows about. Don’t you dare tell anyone!!