Boy, have I had an eventful week. Also, I have to re-evaluate my opinions about all those conspiracy theorists. There are things going on and I have stumbled upon the greatest among them, so here is my story as best I can remember after the debriefing.

Some days ago, I was walking through the park by my house. Not thinking of anything special, just casually looking around. Suddenly, I noticed a patch of powder-blue fluff in the field across the way. I knew it was private property, but curiosity got the better of me and I went to investigate. What I found was a young woman lying there stunned wearing an evening gown. It was quite surreal.

Never let it be said that Mr. Ohh! would let a damsel in distress go unsaved. Nay, I say. I went over to the woman and checked out the situation. I was able to get her to sit up but she was almost unconscious. To revive her, I gave her a sip of my special energy drink; Four 5-Hour energy shots mixed into a canteen filled with equal parts of Red Bull, Mountain Dew, Tabasco Sauce, and just enough creme de menthe for just the right taste. Of course, it woke her up but she was disoriented as to where she was. At first, I thought, she took too big a drink, that stuff is amazing, but then I noticed she was wearing a sash reading, “Miss World Beauty 1948”

Thinking the sash was a Halloween costume of some kind and dismissing it, I helped her to my car and took her to a restaurant. Seriously, this girl looked like she hadn’t eaten in a month. Well once we got there, she went in to the restroom to clean up and I sat at the table. When she came to the table, I noticed it. She was gorgeous. Not just regular gorgeous, but brains fall out on the floor, and I can only utter nonsense, gorgeous. That’s when I remembered the sash, and noticed her hairdo. It too was from the forties. Quickly I went straight to Google, looking for pictures. Then I found them. This woman in front of me was Miss World Beauty Of 1948.

When I mentioned it to her, the fog seemed to clear a bit, and she denied everything with a wave, still couldn’t give me a reason she was in middle of the field like that. My interest was piqued, so I pulled out all the stops and ordered something chocolate, knowing she could never resist it. When the dessert arrived, I mentioned she could only have some if she came clean and told me everything she knew. The ploy worked and her answers chilled me to the bone, although in retrospect that could have been the ice cream. Either way, she told me she was the advertised beauty queen. She thought this was 1949 and she had just finished a world charity tour. Then I asked about the field and dress again. All she knew for sure was there was a strange cave and she felt like she was drugged. The next thing she remembered was when I found her.

Hmm, I thought. There were a few caves around the place where I found her, but they were on private property. I looked up the owner and the property was owned by a holding company, which in turn was owned by a series of shadow companies, and ultimately a cosmetics firm. Very interesting. Breaking several laws, we went back to where I found her, and I followed my new friend back to the cave she said she came out of. Using my phone as a flashlight, we went in. After exploring for several minutes, we came upon two steel doors.

I could find no way to open them, but a curious look came over her face and she barely touched the metal with her index finger. The doors flew open. Inside there were lines and lines of cots. Each had a devastatingly beautiful woman sleeping on it. Some had sashes like my friend, but most were wearing ordinary clothes from various different decades. In only a few short minutes, I found the cot containing Marilyn Monroe! All the beautiful women from history were here, in this room!

There was also a side room containing several strange machines. I could understand none of it, but my friend was able to translate many of the strange characters for me. It seems that aliens from space had invaded our planet just after WWI. They genetically created a race of the most beautiful women to ever walk the planet. So, I thought, I was correct. High school beauties did come from outer space. No wonder I couldn’t seem to communicate with them way back then. But this is beside the point.

Upon listening further, I learned the alien’s diabolical plan. They made these lovelies to create discord among us humans. Supposedly seeing these girls was to create a sense of inadequacy within the population. We would set them up as an architype, and we silly humans would forget all our intelligent thinking while we tried to achieve this impossible standard. This would make us pliable and self-centered in the battle to come.

There was also something about installing idiots as various world leaders. I didn’t pay attention to that. I was too busy divining a solution. Never let it be said Mr. Ohh! wasn’t willing to put his life on the line for his planet. I pushed the big-red-button, labeled Don’t Push This. Immediately all the beauties awoke and came to me wondering if there was a job to be done.

I led them out of the cave and back to my mother’s house. No one, not even mutant alien beauties, can resist mom’s pan-fried chicken. With only a few bites all the ladies wept at the sin of trying to help the aliens. As a bonus no one can stay skinny after a few bites of mom’s coleslaw. In only a few short hours the genetically modified cuties were starting to look like the rest of us, with thicker thighs, rosier cheeks, and a more ample posterior.

They all apologized again for the damage they had caused, and slowly started to disperse. A lot of them vowed to go on TV and become gurus for more salt in the diet, and the benefits of a lazy lifestyle. Noticing all the beer in the fridge was gone, I knew I had done my job well.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. You see, right at that moment four blue guys, who were three-foot tall showed up. They cursed me for ruining their plans. As they aimed a sinister-looking device at me I started hearing a horrendous noise. It was an insistent beep beep beep that grew louder every second or two. My whole being rejected the sound but it was unrelenting and kept getting louder. Hundreds of thoughts swirled in my brain, and then darkness.

 I awoke in my bed with the alarm going off. I switched it off. The aliens had destroyed all the evidence I uncovered, and all the beauties I had freed were nowhere to be found.

I am even now forgetting the details. But I know it all happened. I saved the world.

Or not.

You can decide for yourself.