The simple beginnings

Once upon a time there was a poor blogger named Mr. Ohh!. Now Mr. Ohh! had an almost perfect wife while he was, sadly, just another idiot. Well, it seemed the wife’s special birthday was coming up and Mr. Ohh! wanted to surprise her with something fantastic. The thing is he had no money. In reality he hadn’t seen any money in the almost thirty years he’d been married.

The problem

You see Mr. Ohh! was very bad with money. He was in debt, well past his eyeballs, when he got married. The wife was very good with money. When they married, she took care of all the finances, and in just two short years the debt was gone. Soon after the wife gave him some money, and found herself part owner in a business which recycled nylon stockings from celebrity nude models turning them into coffee filters. As you may have guessed, this was not a thriving concern, and soon failed. It was decided that Mr. Ohh! should not be in charge of the cash flow. He was allowed to bring home the cheque but after that he was never to touch anything financial again.

Even later, when the wife was in the hospital baring children, and it became Mr. Ohh!’s responsibility to go to the bank, cash the cheque and go food shopping, he couldn’t handle it. She came home with a new baby to a house equipped with three new refrigerators filled with beer and chicken wings. She asked what the baby would eat? He smiled and produced a container of finely pulverized Dorito crumbs mixed with watered-down Irish whiskey. He was proud because he remembered to dilute the whiskey, as babies could never handle it full strength. Well, as soon as she was better, she had that man placed on to direct deposit so fast!

The conflict

All this is why Mr. Ohh! had no money to purchase his beautiful wife the perfect present for her special birthday. He was very sad. In fact, he was so sad that one day he missed his exit coming home from work, wound up driving all the way to the end of the freeway, and found himself at the lake. Since he didn’t have to be home at any special time, Mr. Ohh! decided to take a walk along the rocks in the hopes of some inspiration to dealing with his problem.

As he walked along he heard a high-pitched voice saying, “Help Me!” Mr. Ohh! looked around and saw no one. Then he heard it again. “Help Me!” Mr. Ohh! turned back to his car vowing to speak to the very nice Dr. Rose, because he was hearing the voices again. Then he noticed a rainbow sparkle out on the rocks. He was seeing things too. Boy, were they going to have to up his meds, or what? Then the voice called out a third time. “Oy! Earth to the idiot on the beach. What does a guy have to do to get a little assistance around these parts?” Well now, that was strange. The voices had asked him to do some odd things over the years, but never to offer aid to a shiny thing thirty yards out in the lake. He decided to investigate. If for no other reason, than to give a little more information to Dr. Rose.

The obligitory magic part

When Mr. Ohh! got to the spot he was amazed. There it was, tangled in a fishing line, a multi-colored unicorn fish. As he arrived the fish spoke in a voice like a song. “Free me from the bonds, and I will solve your greatest problem.”

Like most people, Mr. Ohh! had money issues, and was in serious need of a vacation, or a new car. In fact, if his wife had been there, she could have probably negotiated peace in the Middle East, Ivy League college scholarships for her three children, and still gotten her and her husband generous and very comfortable retirements. However, Mr. Ohh! had been pondering his wife’s birthday, so he freed the magic fish and only asked for a few helpful suggestions. What a stupid idiot!

The fish seemed to see he was cheating Mr. Ohh! so he agreed that the next three times Mr. Ohh! came to this spot, the fish would appear and help him again. The first thing the fish said was, “A women loves flowers. I shall send you a special rose bush which will bloom in many colors. Plant it in your garden.” With that the fish jumped and swam away.

The wishes

When Mr. Ohh! got home the bush was in the garage just like the fish said. The next morning, he tried to plant it. First he sprained his ankle digging the hole, then when he picked up the bush the thorns stuck and scratched his arms all to heck. As his arms started to swell he dropped the bush upside down into the hole, destroying all the lovely blooms. He finally realized, he was allergic to the thorns as his whole body broke out into a rash. Luckily he was able to call an ambulance, and he spent the next two days in the hospital.

The next night Mr. Ohh! went back to find the magic fish who was exactly where he said he would be. The fish apologized for the thorns and said, “Women love Chocolate. I shall send to you a cauldron of the sweetest confection you will ever try. Do with I as you will.” Mr. Ohh! went home and ‘lo there it was. He found molds and berries to make a glorious feast for his bride. However, when Mr. Ohh! returned to the garage, he couldn’t resist sticking his finger into the liquid to taste it. It was boiling hot. His finger burned, and he started jumping all around the garage. Tripping over a bicycle he wound up falling into the pot. Happily, by this time the ambulance just made regular rounds to Mr. Ohh!’s home. They rescued him, and he spent more hospital time. The greatest humiliation was; His wife laughed saying she didn’t want a chocolate covered Mr. Ohh!.

The denouement

 As he lay in his bed Mr. Ohh! realized it wasn’t the gift so much as it was the effort it took to get it. Pretty smart thoughts from an idiot if you ask me, but hey who am I to judge. Mr. Ohh! went to see the fish one more time. Not quite as smart but again who am I? He decided make his wife a beautiful dinner. It was a magic-rainbow-unicorn-fish filet done up in lemon butter. It was the best birthday gift ever.

And the morals

The moral of the story is; Expensive gifts are overrated. Give of yourself, and invest your cash with me. I’m actually thinking of trying that coffee filter idea, but for beer and wine instead.

The second moral is; How much do you have to smoke or drink to believe a fish can talk? Let alone give you ideas about your wife’s birthday? You folks are very gullible. Don’t believe everything you read.

Lastly, and most important; Even fools might do one smart thing, like get revenge for instance.